Keep Holding On

Chapter Five

Taking as deep a breath as I can, I grip my book bag and walk into school. I feel every pair of eyes on me, all silently wondering if it’s really true, if Gemma actually saw the positive pregnancy test. I keep my head down and walk as fast as I can towards my locker.

“So, I’m pretty sure that Gemma told…” I hear from beside me. I look up and laugh when I see Haley’s perplexed face.

“Yeah, ya think?” I ask, shaking my head in amusement. Surprisingly, even though I hate the way people stare at me, I don’t care that people know and are judging me for it. I’m not a w***e, I didn’t set out to get pregnant. The people who I care about know what happened and are going to be there for me, and that’s all I need to know. Nothing else matters.

From behind me, I hear “So, I heard the little w***e got pregnant.” I spin and glare at Alexia, who’s looking directly at me, but talking to somebody else.

“Seriously?!” I exclaim, rolling my eyes. I can’t believe I called that my friend only a month ago. I always knew she could be a b***h, but I never expected her to be one to me.

“Um, I was talking about you, not to you.” She says, smirking at me.

I give her a fake smile and flip her off before grabbing my books and walking away with Haley by my side. “I swear, after the amount of guys she’s slept with, you’d think she’d leave me alone.” I sigh. Alexia isn’t exactly known for keeping her legs closed.

“Yeah, well as long as the rumors aren’t about her, she’s perfectly fine.” She shrugs, as though it’s perfectly logical. Sadly, in our school it is. For some reason, people just flock to Alexia, like she’s our queen or something. It’s sad to me, but something that I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with.

“Whatever, let’s just forget about her. There are bigger fish to fry.” I say with a sense of false confidence.

***

By lunch time any sense of confidence, fake or not, is gone. In each class, there have been people calling me a w***e and I hear snickering everywhere I go. “Oh God.” I say, feeling my lower lip tremble as I take in the new decorations on my locker. Some sweet person took time out of their day to tape pregnancy tests on my locker. Along with the tests, there are notes from different people telling me how much of a slut I am and calling me a w***e… people are so kind. Is it weird that even my thoughts are sarcastic?

“s**t, come on Elle, don’t look at this anymore.” Haley says, coming up and pushing me towards the lunch room. I shrug her off, “I’m not hungry.” I tell her with a frown as I walk away towards the front office.

From the look on the secretary’s face, I can tell that she already knows about my situation. “Oh, Eloise, how are you dear?” She asks in the fakest nice voice I’ve ever heard. She’s very clearly judging me, even though she’s trying not to show it.

I give her a fake smile back and say, “Well I’m okay, but as it turns out some people seemed to forget that they could talk to me personally and wrote some messages on my locker. Is there any way we could get those taken off?”

Her eyes widen, “People wrote on your locker?” I nod. “Well what did they write?”

“Things like ‘slut’, ‘w***e’, I think one of them was ‘go die in a hole you hooker’… But I can’t be sure on that one.” I respond as though it’s not an issue at all.

It’s almost comical to watch her face contort from shock and horror to completely uncomfortable by the subject matter. “I’ll tell Principal Cooper that you’re looking for her.” She responds in a conspiratorial whisper.

I smirk, “That’d be super, thanks.” Rolling my eyes, I move towards the wooden chairs that are set in a line beneath a large window that allows the office personnel so see in the halls. Five minutes later, Mrs. Cooper comes out and urges me to walk with her, patting my shoulder with her hand.

“I heard what’s happened, is there anything I can do for you?” She asks softly as we make our way towards my locker.

I shake my head, “Not really. People aren’t responding any differently to the news than I expected them to. All I want is for the messages to be gone.”

“We can do that. First I need to take pictures of it for evidence should it happen again.” She says, pulling a small digital camera from her pocket. I nod and point to my locker when we reach it. I watch as her eyes turn hard, taking in everything. I notice one or two new messages for me and I wrap my arms around myself.

“I’ll take care of this, Elle, go ahead to lunch.” She whispers softly before nudging me towards the cafeteria. I thank her and walk away, not really wanting to go into a huge room filled with the people who are judging me so severely. As I enter, the entire room goes silent and all eyes are on me. I gulp and rush towards Haley, who’s waving so I can find her. As I sit, everybody at the table leaves abruptly, sinking the knife in deeper. I would never treat anybody like this.

“You know, I can handle rumors, but vandalism and all the staring? I never expected this much hate.” I tell Haley, who looks sympathetic.

“I’m sorry, Elle, I know this is really hard on you.”

I give her a half smile and take the uneaten bag of ships she offers me.

***

“How was school today?” Mom asks curiously as soon as I enter the door. For one moment, I consider lying, telling her that it was amazing and nobody suspected a thing. Instead, I go for the truth.

“Everybody is talking about me. Some people decided to write dirty words on my locker. They called me a w***e and slut. One person called me a hooker, since that was one of the rumors going around when people found out I lost my virginity.” I say.

“What? How did people know that?” She asks, shocked.

I gulp, “I told Haley and Alexia ended up overhearing. She announced it to a few people and pretty soon it was all over.”

Mom’s face turns to one of rage, “How could they do something like that?! I hate teenage girls, they’re all so sweet on the outside but completely ugly on the inside. I’m going to call your principal and have her deal with this.” She says, rushing over to the phone. I grab her arm to stop her, “No, it’s okay. I already got Mrs. Cooper on it.” I say quickly. Getting Mom on the phone to the school is the last thing I want. One time, Mom called one of my teachers and made her cry. I don’t even remember why, but I learned my lesson not to complain to her anymore.

“Are you sure? Because I’ll do it.” She says adamantly.

I grin, “I’m sure, Mom. Thank you for the offer though.”

“Well, on the plus side, it’s Friday now, so you’ll have a couple days of peace now.” Mom says, ever the optimist.

“That’s right.” I realize, having forgot what day it is. This makes everything so much better. “I think I’m going to head up to my room and read for a while or something.” I tell her before running up the steps. I usually only read when I’m bored. I’ve never had a hard life, so when people would say they read to escape their reality, I never connected until now. At the moment, I’d give anything not to be pregnant.

After what feels like five minutes, Mom’s knocking on my door telling me that it’s already dinner time. I reluctantly set the book down and go downstairs. Dad’s already at the table and smiles when he sees me. “Hey honey, how was school today?” He asks.

I shrug, “Not too great, but it’s the weekend now, so I’m putting it behind me.” I respond.

His eyebrows wrinkle together, “What happened?”

I look up at him, “Dad, I’m the pregnant girl. What do you think happened?” I ask with a sad grin.

He frowns and Mom nudges me. “There’s more to it than that though, isn’t there Ellie?” She sends me a pointed look.

I sigh, “Some kids wrote on my locker calling me a bunch of names and taped pregnancy tests to it.”

Mom gasps, “You didn’t tell me that part!”

I shrug, “Well it didn’t seem important.”

“The hell it’s not. That’s harassment, Elle.” Dad says. He’s a lawyer, he’s supposed to go straight to thoughts of suing people.

“It’s not a big deal, really. I went to the office and asked Mrs. Cooper to handle it. If it gets any worse, I’ll tell you.” They both nod, seemingly pleased by this.

“So,” Mom begins, “We wanted to talk to you about your options. Do you know what you’re going to do?”

I frown, “What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, there’s always adoption and, if you feel like it’s the right decision for you, abortion. We would never judge you on that, you know that already though. Or you could keep it. It’s all up to you, we just want to make sure you understand each option.” She explains.

My eyes widen, I thought they realize I was keeping it. “It wasn’t really an option for me. I could never abort the baby. I mean, I don’t judge people who’ve done it, but it’s just too sad for me. If I knew for sure that the baby would have an incredible life, I’d consider adoption, but nothing is 100% with that, and if she’s going to have a crappy life, I’m going to make sure I’m there for her the entire way.”

“She?” Dad asks with an amused look.

I blush, “It’s just a feeling.”

Mom smiles knowingly, “I had that feeling with both you and your sister.”

I grin and rub my stomach. Even though there’s no bump, I feel closer to the baby when I do it, “Good, because I have no idea what I’d do with a boy.” They both laugh. We all know that I’ve never been into sports or anything not girly in my entire life. I’ve always been pretty feminine. “But really, no matter what comes out, I just want it to be healthy.” And it’s the truth. Whether or not I’m hoping for a specific gender is beside the point.

Mom coos a bit and grips my hand with hers. Apparently what I said made her happy. “I can’t believe I get to be a grandma. Sure, I was hoping it wouldn’t be for another few years, but I’m still happy about it.”

I smile brightly. That’s the best thing she could ever say to me. “I know you guys think it’s silly for me to keep saying this, but I’m so glad that you don’t hate me. I love you guys so much and the last thing I’d ever want is for you to be unable to look at me the same way.”

“Well, had you been any different, we might. You’re a mature young woman now, Elle. I hope we brought you up to have a good head on your shoulders so you can raise this baby right.” Dad says, looking almost proud in a weird way. I know that most parents would be freaking out right about now, and that mine probably should, but they’ve never been that way. They’ve always been the ‘let them roller skate without pads and when they fall they’ll learn not to do it again’ type of people.

Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be the same way with my child. I’m probably going to be a nagging overhearing mother and people are always going to have to tell me to chill out. I can’t imagine just watching my kid fall and letting them learn their own lessons.

“I hope so. There are so many things that I still need to figure out, but I feel like if I worry about them all right now, I’ll get too worried and be a complete nervous wreck by the end of the eight months.” I’ve been known to panic under pressure.

“Alright, well once you feel ready to discuss certain things, let us know and we can talk about them.” Mom says supportively. I nod thankfully, glad that I don’t need to begin thinking about details until later.

***

My phone beeps Sunday afternoon, letting me know that I have a text. Haley’s name and picture appear on the screen above ‘Can I come over?’

‘Sure’ I reply, not feeling the need to say more if I’m about to see her anyways. About five minutes later, Haley’s voice rings through the house announcing her presence. By the time I get downstairs, I can hear her making small talk with my parents.

“Hey.” I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her upstairs with me. She laughs and stumbles along. “So, how’s your weekend been?” I ask as we sit on my bed.

She looks really nervous and upset as she says, “Not as well as I’d hoped.”

I frown, “What’s wrong?”

“My mom found out about you being pregnant and told me I can’t hang out with you anymore. This totally sucks. I mean, I’m sixteen, almost seventeen. Shouldn’t be able to pick out my own friends?” She looks at me with the saddest face I’ve ever seen on her. I instantly pull her into a hug.

“Hales, this blows.” I sniffle.

She nods, “Apparently Alexia told her mom what a bad influence you are on me, so Mrs. Jenkins told my mom what she said. She wouldn’t even let me explain and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t willing to just shout that I’ve had way more s*x than you. I’m pretty sure she’d kill me or lock me in the cellar for the rest of my life.”

I chuckle, thinking about how true that is. Ms. Burton isn’t necessarily strict, she can just be overbearing sometimes. She worries about Haley since she’s her only child, and as a single mother Haley’s all she has left. “I understand. At least we have school though, right?” I offer.

She shakes her head, clearly upset, “Mom’s using Alexia like a freaking guard dog. She’s going to report to her if she sees us together. I’m working on getting that one removed though, so hopefully it won’t last long.”

I feel an awful pain in my chest. Haley has been my best friend through thick and thin, yet I can’t even blame her for this. If my child grows up and their friend gets pregnant at sixteen or seventeen, I’d have some serious thoughts about limiting their time together. I doubt I’d actually do it, but I’d think about it. “This sucks.” I whimper, trying not to cry. The past few days have been a constant sob fest and I was hoping this weekend would be a break.

“Yeah it does. But you know that if you ever really need me, I’ll take whatever punishment my mom dishes out to be here for you.” She whispers, looking at me sincerely. I nod and pull her into a hug again.

“Well I’ve gotta go, she gave me half an hour to come tell you in person.” She sighs, standing up.

I nod and walk downstairs with her, “Love you.” I say, feeling like I’m saying goodbye.

“Bye.” She cries before leaving.

Mom’s hand touches my shoulder as she says, “That sounded like a sorrowful goodbye.”

I nod and turn, “Ms. Burton doesn’t want Haley hanging out with me anymore.” I tell her, crossing my arms to hug myself.

Mom frowns and rolls her eyes, “Trinity always did treat that girl like she was made of glass.”

I nod, “I’m just not sure that I can make it through the school year without her by my side.”

Mom frowns and watches as I make my way back upstairs for the rest of the night.