His beloved witch

Chapter 31: The illusion of control - Part II

-Marcela-

The face concealer worked beautifully. No one noticed the bruise on my face.

“How was your weekend, Lady Marcela?” Olena asked me when I arrived at the room we share in the palace.

Olena Grimaldi is the lady who follows me around here. It is so evident that they are tracking my movements. Are they serious? Ladies sharing rooms in the palace, as if there are not enough rooms!

“It was good. My mother will send me a diamond bracelet tomorrow.” I bragged.

“That is nice.” She said with a gentle smile.

What is wrong with this lady? Why did she not say something nasty to me?

Since Olena is the only daughter of Baron Grimaldi, she must have learned to be a humbler lady considering her position on the social ladder. My father is a Duque; thus, he has a higher status and more income than her father.

“The main designer of My Fairy Godmother boutique will come to take my measurements for new dresses. Can you believe it? My mother told me yesterday.” It makes me feel good to have things others can only dream about.

“My fiancé also ordered a dress from a famous designer for me. Is it for the event of the year, right?”

“What do you mean?” I can buy expensive dresses just out of a whim, without any event or occasion.

“Obviously, Tricia’s sixteen birthday party!”

“Oh! Yes, I almost forgot it. Probably because Tricia’s party is no longer that event.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because the mating ceremony of our King and his Queen will be the event of the year; do you not think so?”

“Oh! You are right, but Tricia’s party will still be a big event. The King will make a big announcement that day.”

“How do you know? And what is this announcement about?”

“My mother told me about it, but I do not have the details. We will know by then.”

Olena does not seem fit to be the one spying on me. Maybe Baron Grimaldi is part of Andre’s closest circle or her fiancé.

“Who is your fiancé?” I need to confirm who she is engaged to. The time for the official claims has not started yet.

Perhaps she is trying to make me trust her and spill what I know. Since I know nothing, there is nothing to tell… Although, that might be her case, too. Regardless, I better keep my guard up.

“Salomon Ventimiglia!”

He is the younger son of the Marquis of Ventimiglia. He will not inherit the title, but his older brother is, yet Salomon is famous. A famous womanizer! I have never met in person, but it is known in our circle.

Would he truly change his ways for her? And Olena is too young to tame him. She must be eighteen or something. Oh, Goddess, I feel so old, and she is already engaged!

Salomon was left out from any high position in the current government, just like my brother. I would have thought he resented Andre. But maybe he promised him something for his support, or to his family.

Who is Andre's ally on Olena's side? Her father or him? This information might be useful for my stupid brother.

“Congratulations, Lady Olena.”

“Thank you! Oh, we should hurry up, Queen Blanche has set a schedule of activities for the week.” I arrived late, so I missed breakfast with the others and news like that.

“Was she not at the edge of death three days ago?” I said, taking the clothes Olena offered me to change.

“She is in great shape now and with a lot of plans. I really like our Queen!”

"I can see that." I rolled my eyes, turning my face away from Olena so she could not see it.

We found Blanche with the other ladies in her garden. Everyone was seated on small mats and exercise clothing. Now I understand why Olena made me wear sports clothes.

Blanche could have used this opportunity to embarrass me and exclude me from the activity. Instead, she made sure I showed up on time and was ready for it with Olena.

Is Blanche kind, stupid, or arrogant?

The witch greeted us politely, and her eyes widened in shock when she saw us. My mother said the concealer was made by fairies. Witches would not see it. It looks flawless! And it should last twelve hours without a retouch.

 “We are waiting for Lydia, girls. Please, pick where to sit.” She told us.

So, it is true. Cara is helping Lydia to get in.

Lydia showed up after Olena and I took our seats. She curtsied, but with a long face. I almost rolled my eyes at her. It is evident she hates Blanche.

  "Every morning, we will do this after breakfast," Blanche informed us.

She sat straight on the mat and asked us to do the same. Then she placed her hands on her lap, one on top of the other one, with her palms up.

Blanche ordered us to breathe in and out and focus on our breathing. The music played was relaxing and married well with the peacefulness of the garden.

“Our breathing?” Lydia asked, interrupting the silence. We all glared at her but Blanche.

“Yes. This exercise will help you as it helped me. It still does whenever I feel… anxious.”

Blanche asked us to close our eyes, still focusing on our breathing. Inhale, exhale… counting one, two, three breaths.

There were no sounds around beyond our breathing, accompanied by soothing instrumental music.

Despite the environment, I felt my head filled with thoughts and emotions. Thoughts of what my life has become, of what my brother is trying to do, the danger my mother and I are in for helping him… my father, and his lack of affection for me and my mother… Goddess, if only I were born a male, I would protect my mother…

How can I do better to survive? Who can I trust? What can I do?

“Listen to my voice,” Blanche told us softly, “Empty your mind of thoughts, free your heart of the weight you are carrying…”

Easy to say when you are mated to the King of Lycans, I thought bitterly.

“Your thoughts are neither good nor bad… just don't hold on to them. Focus on your breathing. Just your breathing now.”

Inhale, exhale… counting one, two, three breaths.

I tried to... but the pain in my heart was there, along with this bitterness and this anger against Andre.

I could only wonder about the kind of life he should have given me as Queen.

However, if not given willingly by him, I do not want it. My pride does not allow me to, but my mother…

“Your thoughts are like waves in the sea. They come and go...” Her voice was hypnotic. “Let them pass by your side. They cannot hold you, they cannot control you…”

I am always in control! I am a noble Lady Lycan.

“Acknowledge your emotions and let them go…” My emotions, she said! Oh, Goddess! I feel this anger and this resentment in my chest every time I look at Blanche. “Focus on your breathing.”

Then she was silent.

I had my eyes closed, trying to control myself from crying. What does she know? Why is she asking us to do this?

“If your thoughts or emotions distract you, return to focus on your breathing, on our beating heart.”

Breathing…

Calm down, I told myself. But I could not… My Lycan was also angry. She was so frustrated! However, truthfully, none of those feelings were against Blanche. This was not about Andre or Blanche. And I knew it.

More minutes passed, and I tried, really tried, to let go and just focus on my breathing, emptying my head and heart as she said, letting them go... I could not do it. My Lycan distracted me constantly.

   "Open your eyes," Blanche told us. "How do you feel?” She asked with a soft smile.

   “This was a great experience!” Lorenza said with honesty. I hate her officially.

“It is so relaxing!” Rita and Saida yelled together. Fakes!

They just want to look good in front of Blanche. I doubt they did better than I did. Huh! Never mind them, I stayed silent while Lydia was with her long face!

    “I did not even realize how much time passed.” Olena did not raise her eyes when she said it. I think I saw a tear in her left eye.

I could not achieve the goal of this exercise, but did Blanche say, what was the goal? It was not clear now that I think about it.

Blanche looked at all of us and tilted her head to one side.

“It is alright if you could not remove all noise in your head, or if your emotions had gotten in the way during the exercise. Your Lycans might have given you a hard time since you are always in control of them, forbidding them to emerge.”

Oh, so I did not fail at whatever this exercise was. Wait a second, how does she know?

“The mind can be trained.” She explained. "You can see this exercise like the gym of your minds. If you practice like when you learn to use a musical instrument, you will learn to master it.”

“What is the benefit, Queen Blanche?” Lorenza asked eagerly. Was she not the spy from her family? The Saboya family is supposed to be in the same boat as mine… preparing for treason. Why is she so openly nice to Blanche? Is she such a good actress?

“The mind is wild and rushes us into thoughts masked with emotions that take us away from our present. What if this? What if that? And we go crazy about inexistent situations. This exercise will help you manage and reduce your anxiety, calm your mind, sense your Lycan better... and maybe even see things from a different perspective...”

Perspective? All that just because of breathing? She is delusional.

“It should help you communicate with your Lycan, potentially build a bridge for it.”

She is crazy.

Lycans should suppress their animal side. Blanche does not know what she is talking about.

Why is everyone looking at her with admiration? Only Lydia matches my expression, and that is not good. I changed my face as others thanked her.

"You must think that I am crazy and that I do not know what it is like for you Lycans, and you are right." I am perplexed. "I have not experienced in my flesh the same way as you have, but I have seen a lot in this life and lived many, many years before you and your parents all did… Believe me, Children of the Moon and Children of Nature have something in common…"

She created some suspense before resume speaking.

“Love.”

That is plain stupid.

“We all want to love and be loved in return. But that cannot happen unless we love ourselves first. And we cannot love ourselves if we do not learn to accept each and every part of ourselves. And that is not an easy task… It requires some practice.”

I did not know what to think or what to say anymore.

The day of our Queen officially began. We should visit the rural area and deliver provisions for the winter with her. The forecast said a storm is coming.

Blanche did not want to use a limousine to go there. Instead, she wanted to jump inside of the cabin of the truck. Why would she do that? I do not understand her.

Adela showed up, probably alerted by the surrounding guards, and convinced Blanche to take an armored SUV with tinted windows. Reluctantly, she agreed but took Olena and me in the SUV with her guards before Adela could complain.

Again… why is Blanche acting this way? What does she want?

Inside the SUV, Olena opened the conversation, telling us about her parents and how she was glad to be engaged to Salomon since they were already old.

“How old are you, my Queen?”

Blanche smiled.

     “Why do you ask, Olena?”

“I am curious about how you became so wise.”

The witch giggled, amused.

“I am not wise. Age and wisdom are not synonyms, young one.”

     “Then, how? I feel your words have wisdom.”

Blanche showed a pearly white smile at both of us. And I recoiled in my seat, a little embarrassed. I really do not want to be here.

      “I am not wise. I still make stupid mistakes for someone of my experience. And probably it is because age is just a number. You can accrue many years of life, and still know nothing, repeating your same mistakes over and again…” Blanche explained, and then she looked outside.

“But I read, I love reading...”

"What does reading have anything to do with it?" I surprised myself by asking her.

“I will tell you a story I read once when I was just a little girl. Since I was young, I did not understand the meaning, and when I read as a young female, it taught me a valuable lesson.”

“Please, tell us the story, my Queen!” Olena begged. Blanche smiled at us.

“Once upon a time, there was a girl who found a toad in a fountain in her town. The toad told her, he was a handsome prince and that if she took him in, loved him, and took care of him, he would make her his princess.”

I know that story!

“Yes, and then she kissed him with love in her heart, and he turned into a handsome prince, and they lived happily ever after!” Olena also knows it. End of the story!

Blanche laughed.

“No. That is not what happened. The girl took the toad to her home. But he was not only ugly on the outside… he was mean to her. He took her bed and ate her food. He demanded love and kisses, but it was never enough. He always wanted more from her.”

“But he becomes a prince, right?” Olena asked.

“The time passed, and he still was a toad. The girl went to a witch to ask for a way to turn him into the promised prince who would make her his princess one day.”

“Did the witch help?”

I want to smack Olena’s head, she should shut up and listen!

“The witch told her the toad was just a toad. There was no trace of magic in him.”

“Oh! How disappointing!”

“Yeah, the girl wanted to kick the toad away for lying to her. But the toad said the witch was a liar. And the spell did not break because she did not truly love him.”

Everyone knows that witches will tell you what you want to hear. But wait…

“What did she do?” I asked.

“She believed him. The girl thought that her toad was an enchanted prince, and one day he would become a nice and loving prince, who would adore her and only her. So, every time he said a hurtful thing, every time he mistreated her or took her for granted, she told herself to wait for a little more… Perhaps, it was her who did not love him enough.”

“The girl grew into a woman and visited more witches during those years. She spent her money and time on the toad, hoping to make him a prince, one day. She thought that she deserved a reward for investing so much in the toad, so a miracle would happen, and her evil toad would become a loving, handsome prince…”

     “I am afraid to ask, but then what happened?” Olena blushed.

"The toad was just a toad," Blanche explained. "Unfortunately, she could not let him go. She grew old and withered despite the abusive behavior of the toad. The fear that another woman would harvest her work kept her from leaving him.”

That is a sad story. I think the fairies have better ones.

“What did that story teach us?” Blanche asked.

“To never pick up a talking toad," I replied. It is obvious.

Blanche laughed, and I could not help to laugh with her.

“To let go the toad?”

"Based on your own situation, it can have a different meaning. So, yes… it means to let go of that thing or a person who is hurting us. But it also means listening to others. Or to not love others more than you love yourself. Or do not let others control your actions or bend your will with promises, as they can be fake…”

Or the price could be too high.

“Regardless, in all those scenarios, the decision is yours because the consequences are yours to bear. And as you can see, you do not need to experience it in your flesh to understand the warning."

She is wrong. But I guess I am wrong, too. Because any decision has consequences on ourselves and others, the same way the decisions of others impact us… Therefore, control is just an illusion to comfort us.