Get the Guy Box Set

A-dork-able Every New Year’s Day, I make the resolution to be less of a dork. You’d think after ten years of this, I’d have succeeded, and maybe—just maybe—some guy would look my way and see me as dating material instead of the occasional tryst. But each attempt to transform myself into some suave man-about-town just made things worse, not better. Like the most recent office costume party on New Year’s Eve where I’d been dressed as a Wookie, gotten drunk because no one wanted to talk to the big hairy geek, and thrown up all over my boss, Mr. Watkins—I’d removed the head from my outfit as it had been stifling and keeping me from the alcohol. Bad idea, in hindsight. My attempts to apologize to the man who signed my paychecks had been slurred, smelly, and a bit handsy. Well, Watkins was hot and I was inebriated and desperately horny—can you blame me? His husband had not been amused. It was a wonder I’d not been fired. Naturally, I had to pay a ridiculous fee for soiling the costume, too. My coworkers still talked about the “incident.” I was surprised someone hadn’t made a meme out of it. Oh, wait… Anyway, as far as humiliation and awkward encounters went, that one took the cake. I decided then and there that resolutions were crap and I was better off without them. I would embrace my dorkness and to hell with everyone else. And, no, that wasn’t another resolution. It was simply an affirmative statement of action that…oh, to hell with it. My roommate and best friend Anderson Mercury—supposedly straight, great abs, sleeps with chicks and watches gay porn because “it rocks,” he says—was always telling me there was nothing wrong with the way I was, and I should be myself—with an updated wardrobe—and to hell with the world. Maybe he was right. And maybe I should tell him he was actually bi-curious and to stop kidding himself. That not-a-resolution of mine lasted about three weeks until I met the new guy in Finance and immediately wanted to have his babies, along with every other male and female in the company, no matter their relationship status.