Beauty from Ashes

CHAPTER 35

CHAPTER 35

He proposed to me ten or fifteen minutes later. It wasn’t all that steamy or romantic, but I guess that’s not what either of us needed at the time. My tears had stopped, and we were just talking. I don’t even think we were cuddling or anything at that point. Jake’s got his faults, but he’s a really good listener. He’d have to be after growing up with someone like Patricia. Back when she was raising her twins like a boss, I’m sure Jake couldn’t get a word in edgewise against her. Come to think of it, he still can’t today.

Anyway, that morning he wanted to know exactly what I was feeling. I swear, if that boy applied himself, he could become a stinking shrink or something.

“Did you think I was walking out for good?” he asked. Because, of course, he assumed all those tears were about him.

I should warn you that this isn’t going to be the most romantic of stories. But I loved Jake. Messed up as I was, I loved him. And he was right. I was scared of being abandoned. You think about my past — what happened with my birth mom, all those foster homes — and maybe you’ll cut me a little slack. So maybe I’ve got a small chip on my shoulder. Who doesn’t?

“I don’t think I can do this without you,” I told him. Like I was a stinking princess locked away in the dungeon, unable to lift a finger to save myself.

“Do what without me?” he asked. As if he couldn’t fill in the blanks. I think he just wanted to keep me talking. I’m not sure. Isn’t that what a shrink would do?

“I don’t know. Everything.” I wasn’t going to spell it all out for him. Not because it felt like I’d just eaten a whole slice of humble pie and it was turning into little dry cement crumbles in my mouth. But because all of the scenarios were so horrible. Why didn’t I want to be left alone? Because Natalie might die. She might have to stay in the NICU for months. She might catch an infection. She might end up on a ventilator again, and I’d have to decide to pull the plug or not.

That’s why I didn’t want him returning to Orchard Grove.

He put his arm around me and said, “I’m not leaving you. We’re in this together.”

When I lived with Sandy, she started taking me to this counselor dude, some Christian therapist who went to her husband’s church. I don’t even remember his name. I only saw him a handful of times. But he told me something that I haven’t forgotten. We were talking one afternoon — he had this office where everything smelled like leather — and he said my problem was I sabotaged my relationships. Instead of letting people hurt me, I was trying to regain some sense of control and destroying relationships on my own terms before others had the chance to abandon me.

It made sense. It’s that control I’m always looking for. Did I tell you that after that guy assaulted me when I still worked at the convenience store, I actually went on a date or two with him? Not my brightest moment, but I think it’s the same idea. Once you agree to go out with someone, everything that comes after is on your terms, not his. You’re not powerless anymore.

Man, I hate to feel powerless. I think that’s why I came so close to telling Jake about what I’d done. I knew he was going to leave, but if I destroyed our relationship before his foot was out the door, our massive falling out would be in my hands.

But I didn’t want to be like that anymore. It was a miracle that Jake was still with me, that we were still a couple. And if we ever broke up, there’s no way I could find someone else who would see Natalie as anything more than a vegetable. So when all of a sudden I heard Jake mention marriage, I said yes. I was sick of sabotaging myself. I was sick of ruining the best things that ever happened to me. I was terrified of being left alone, and if Jake and I got married, I wouldn’t have to worry so much.

Besides, if he ever discovers what I did, it will be that much harder for him to leave.