Have You Wonder

Beat Your Heart

"I'm sorry, I couldn't protect you that night, Enzey."

And that somehow brings me butterflies. I can see through his eyes how frustrated he was and he sincerely means what he says.

I've got a lot of why's that pop into my mind as soon as I hear him say those words but I chose to keep it to myself.

Why would you be sorry for something beyond your control?

Why would you apologize for someone else's fault?

Why would you want to protect me, Luke? Why?

I don't know what to say. I don't want to say it's okay because I'm not. I'm still in the process of overcoming that traumatic experience. The fear I felt that night, the feeling of being helpless wherein you couldn't think of anyone that you could call even in your subconscious to save you from that terrifying experience. It will never be okay. It was not a nightmare that I could just shrug off as soon as I wake up. Because every time I'll close my eyes, that fear will haunt me down.

"If only I didn't hesitate to wait for you and have the courage to ask if I could drive you home that night, that couldn't happen." He added with devastation.

I just couldn't stand this conversation, it makes me feel weird. I don't get it. Is he confessing his feelings for me in the middle of traffic?

"I-I... I'm sorry. That was so random but I just... I was so mad at myself the moment I heard about it. It's...just frustrating." He rubbed his face vigorously and I just couldn't find the right words to say.

I am not used to this kind of conversation. I am kinda baffled having someone confess his feelings in person.

I tried to look at him but I immediately take back my gaze when our eyes met. I just...I don't know what to do. It feels weird but feels good at the same time. I didn't think that there will be a guy who will have the guts to confess his feelings straight to my face.

"I...Uhm...don't know what's going on Architect. Why would you feel so protective of me? I mean, we are not even that close?" I hesitantly queried, trying to figure out what's in his head and making sure that I am just not jumping to a conclusion.

"It is what it is, Enzey~ Please don't make me spell it out. I've gulped a lot of courage to tell you all this. I was never like this. I never confessed to anyone but you." He mumbled.

I looked at him and he was acting shy like a child. How can he be so cute and hot at the same time?

"And how do you expect me to react after you showered me with your confessions defenselessly?" I complained while looking away and staring outside the window.

I can feel the blood rushing onto my cheeks. Who wouldn't blush from all this confession?

We barely knew each other and I am not ready for this kind of situation. I'm still in the process of fixing myself. And I don't want anybody to get ruined in the process of fixing myself.

"This may sound surreal but I fell for you the moment your head leaned on my shoulder. I felt like an angel just landed onto me." He said.

"Oh come on... don't tell me you believe in this overrated thought of love at first sight?!" I scorned but I was dumbfounded by his response.

"I didn't... until I met you that day."

I bite my lips as I stop myself from smiling. He was obviously flattering me with his playful words but I just can't help it. He's irresistibly adorable. I mean, a lot of girls would die to hear all his confessions but it's just that, I'm not yet ready to jump into another relationship that will make me feel scared and weak. Not now when I'm starting to recover from that pit of pain.

"I am not expecting you to say anything bout this. I want you to take your time before you could tell me your thoughts about this. I just want you to know that I just seized the moment and took the chance to tell you my real intentions." He glanced at me with his serious look and I just couldn't stand looking straight into his eyes for more than two seconds.

=======

I'm finally home and was lying on my bed. I miss my bed, my sanctuary. I almost fell asleep when my phone suddenly rings. It's a video call from Victoria and Charlotte.

"Girl, how are you? I heard what happened to you last night. Are you okay?" Victoria queried worriedly.

"I feel better though my body feels like still in shock," I explained.

And the story goes on. I've told them everything about the incident and they were relieved that I made it home without being obvious that I've been through a traumatic experience.

"And I've heard that he... took care of you." Victoria looked at me and Charlotte tried to avoid my gaze as I looked at her in disbelief. I told her to keep it between us but she just couldn't zip her mouth.

"He did." I sighed as I feel bad that it happened that way.

"Of all people, why does it have to be Kree who would save you from that terrifying experience?" Victoria exclaimed but I know she means more than what she said.

"It's just a mere coincidence, not a fate like you were thinking of. Besides, it seems like Kree and Mara are in a very strong and happy relationship. Let's just let them be." I asserted.

"If that's what you want, then you should go and find your own source of happiness. Stop making us worried about how are you doing because seven years ago, the Enzey we used to know feels like never gets her way back to her old self... bubbly, funny, happy." She commented.

"I am. I still am. It's just that I don't give it too much. Because the last time I was so happy, I shed lots of tears afterward. Iove has been through it and I don't want to feel it again. Never." I asserted.

"Enzey, that was seven years. Seven years have passed so stop beating your heart like it made a grave mistake for loving Kree so much. Maybe you and he was never meant to be but you should still give your heart the chance to beat for someone it wants to." Charlotte advised.

"You're beautiful inside-out and I know there are a lot who was dying to love you more than you will love them. All you need is to give it a try. Staying in your comfort zone will never get you out of that painful past. What you need is a fresh new start that will bury your past like it never happened." Victoria and her words of wisdom.

But what they said was right. I'll never be happy like the old me if I'll keep reminiscing and being feared for my painful past. I am recovering and I've been doing great. All I need is to trust myself so I can learn to put my trust in someone again. There's no need to rush but maybe I can start taking one step at a time.

"You know we are always by your side. We will always be on your side, whoever you chose to love. Even if it'll never be Kree. All we want is for you to be genuinely happy." Victoria looked at me sincerely.

"I know." It's all I could mumble.

That reminded me of Luke. What if Luke is God's answer to my prayer? I always pray at night that please send me the right person who will never let me go and who will always choose me each day. And when He was about to give me what I've been praying for, please send him most unexpectedly.

Maybe the answer was always right on the tip of my nose but I didn't notice it because I was busy blurring my sight with my tears. Maybe we were set to meet in a most random place at the most random time so I won't feel hesitant the moment He gave me the hint. Maybe I was just too busy digging myself into the pit of pain when I always had by my side the guy who will offer me the hand to get out of it.

There's no need to rush, no need to jump into something you are not sure yet. Maybe all I just have to do right now is notice. Notice him and let my heartbeat to whoever it wants to beat for.

"Remember the guy from the bus I've been talking about and the guy from the bar when I was so wasted?" The two looked at me, intrigued by what I'm about to say.

"Yeah. The pillow guy." Charlotte and her weird nickname-giving.

"We...actually meet again." I hesitantly shared, studying their facial reaction.

Victoria covered her mouth from so much surprise and Charlott looked at me with her eyes wide open from disbelief.

"Oh...my...gally! Where? How?" Charlotte asked inquisitively.

"He was actually a newly-hired architect in our company and he was assigned for the renovation of our office," I stated and they were both shocked about that.

"Oh my! Goosebumps! For real! Hundreds of applicants must be aiming to land a job in your company and there must be a very slim chance that your office needs the Architect for the renovation. That's insane!" Victoria exclaimed.

"I know, right."

"Enzey, I don't know if Fate or coincidence has to do with this but based on the statistics, it was absolutely mind-blowing. Girl, if you will not gonna give it a try then I might as well send you out of my friend list." Charlotte enthusiastically stated.

"If you let this go without even trying, you're incurable."

I chuckled at their comments.

I know girls. I'll be more cautious but I'll let him express his intentions. No more blocked rejections, just giving chances. My heart may be closed for the longest time but I think it's about time to let them at least knock on it.

Eventually, my heart will automatically open and let someone comes in without any hesitations. In time.