Ride the Sunset

Disappointed

Jacob

As Corey and I left the hospital, I couldn’t help but feel another wave of disappointment and a tiny bit of envy. I wanted what Erik had with Naomi. I wanted a lifetime partner. I wanted a beautiful house, and I wanted children. I tried to listen to Corey as he gushed on about how cute the twins were, and I offered all of the appropriate hums as I thought about Alastair. The man checked every box I had. He was kind, generous, sweet, sexy, and everything in between. He was established, he owned his own business, and he was family-orientated. Alastair was everything I ever could have wanted, and I wanted him more than anything. But I couldn’t have him. I sighed softly as I stared out of the window.

“Dude, you aren’t here with me, are you?” Corey questioned. It was the concern in his voice that snapped me out of my thoughts. I glanced over at him, and another sigh escaped. “Is it Alastair?”

“Why can’t I just put my fears aside and go for it?” I asked softly. Corey had become the closest friend I’ve ever had in my entire life. The man had weaseled his way not only into my life but into my heart.

“Because said fears are legit,” he said just as softly. Corey knew everything there was to know about me, my past, and my fears. A drunken night out, and I had revealed far more than I had ever been willing. Corey had cornered me once I was sober, and I caved. Carrying the burden I did alone sucked. Having Corey on my side had been a relief.

“Fact,” I agreed. Corey didn’t have the past that I did. He didn’t have the same fears and he most certainly didn’t have the same responsibilities that weighed me down. But Daniel had messed him up big time, and my best friend couldn’t bring himself to trust anyone. I didn’t blame him.

“Look, you know what my advice is,” Corey continued, and I nodded. “If you don’t want him to know, then you can’t have him,”

“I know,”

“I, personally, think you should just tell him, Jacob,” he went on. “I know you think it’s this big thing, and it is, but…Alastair isn’t like other people,”

“No, I know,” I said in agreement. “I know he will be supportive, but he shouldn’t have to be. This is my burden,” Corey shot me a warning look and I chuckled bitterly. “Fine, it’s my responsibility,”

“It is. One hundred percent. But Jacob, he will be supportive,” he argued. I knew he was right. I had no doubt in my mind that if Alastair knew the truth, he would be my biggest supporter. He would help me. He would be my partner. Of that, I had no doubt. However, I felt as if that ship had sailed. Too much time had passed and if I had to tell him the truth, he would probably be angry with me for not just telling him. Corey pulled into my driveway and came to a stop. “You either need to grab onto him with both hands or let him go,”

“I know,” I quietly agreed. “I just don’t know if I can,”

“Then you have your answer,” he said as he unlocked the doors. “I’ll see you tomorrow,”

“See you tomorrow,” I echoed as I climbed out of the car and shut the door. I stood in the driveway and watched him back out before he headed home. I stood outside watching until he disappeared before I forced myself to go inside. I had a mountain of house chores to do, but it was far too late, and I wasn’t in the mood. Once inside, I considered eating something, but just the thought of making food for one turned my stomach. So, I did the next best thing and placed an order for a large veggie pizza. I took a shower and changed into a pair of worn sweatpants and a sweater before I settled on the couch to binge-watch my all-time favorite TV show. When the pizza arrived, I settled back on the couch and polished off the entire thing while I lost myself in the story. However, I couldn’t quite shut off my mind. Eventually, I switched off the TV, cleaned up my mess, and made sure everything was locked up before I headed to bed.

Alastair: I shouldn’t even bother with this, but I noticed you seemed a bit down. Is everything ok?

I read and re-read Alastair’s message and my heart felt like it would explode. The man had accepted my decision, but he was still a friend. He still cared, despite our obvious connection. I thought about how to answer. Once again, Alastair had opened the door for me to be honest with him. Once again, he had put himself out there. And once again, I was going to shut him out.

Jacob: No, everything is not ok. But I’m fine, thank you.

I sent the text and waited as I cuddled down under the blanket. My message immediately showed as read. I watched those three little dots bounce as he typed out his response. As I waited, it felt like he was typing me a short story. When the dots disappeared, I sighed. This wasn’t new to me. This is what we did. I could see him either chilling on his couch or in his bed as he typed out his response. Only to delete it and send something else entirely.

Alastair: Ok, have a good night, Jacob.

Five words. He had definitely deleted his first response and another wave of disappointment rushed over me.

Jacob: Good night, Alastair.

I hit send and set my alarm before I put my phone down. I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes. I heard the sound of Alastair’s response, but I couldn’t bring myself to read his good night message.