TRUST IN LOVE (Lovemark #2)

19. Farrow-2

My ribs tightened painfully around my chest, constricting my lungs. Her sweet words caused the ache to grow, until every muscle in my frame pulled taut, threatening to shatter me into a million pieces.

In an effort to hold it all together, I tugged her fractionally closer, and yet she still seemed to slip further and further away.

Too far away.

I needed her closer.

My brow furrowed. I was following my contradictory path of needs and desires again, wasn’t I? Dammit, what the devil was wrong with me?

Did I want my father’s love and acknowledgement, or did I want to be as far away from such a monster as I could get? Did I want Nicolette to go for her own safety or did I want her to stay because I couldn’t part with her? Could I not just settle on one desire and stick with it? Because, seriously, one moment I was trying to shove Nicolette at the mages, yet now I was back to concealing truths just to keep her.

Why did I always desire two such opposite goals?

Though to be quite honest, I really didn’t want any of the goals I worked so hard to obtain, probably because what I wanted most was an impossibility on all fronts, and I was left torn in two, my actions always sending me in conflicting directions.

With the king, I did want him to be my father, but a real father, a father of integrity, that I could find honor and pride in. But he could never be that man. He was evil, straight to the core, so I had alternated between loving and hating him, frustrated because I knew I could never get what I needed most.

But it was time to lay that to rest. The king was no longer my concern. He’d crossed the line with Sable. Imprisoning her wasn’t something I could forgive.

And with Nicolette. Dammit, with Nicolette, I’d ruined anything we could ever have by beginning our association with a lie—a lie I’d covered with more lies, and then more lies on top of that. I could never be fully honest and open with her without losing her, and I could never fully have her without showing her all that I was.

I blinked, a little startled. I'd actually figured out the conundrum to all my issues. Huh. Strange. I’d been warring with myself for years over the opposing pulls I always experienced when it came to the king. But after mere days in Nicolette’s company, my problems became as clear as the sky on a cloudless day.

Now, if only I could figure out how to handle my new dilemma: Nicolette.

Glancing over, I studied the creature beside me while we approached the cook’s wagon. A beam of morning sunlight was breaking through the trees and falling on her hair. Amused that it’d found the worthiest creature in the entire forest to gift with its brilliant illumination, I reached up to capture a piece of her dark locks and idly ran it between my fingers.

No matter what happened next, I had her here and now, a beautiful woman who claimed she’d do anything for me. Even if it was a temporary illusion, what man wouldn’t appreciate the bounties of such a moment?

She looked at me. Her lips had been pinched in displeasure and eyes narrowed with irritation. She was far from happy with me. But all that softened whenever she took in my expression.

As if realizing what I needed most, she clucked her tongue. “I know, darling. I know.” Leaning in to rest her head on my shoulder, she slid her arms around my waist. “But it’ll get better, I swear. Everything will work out okay.”

For half a second, I almost believed her.

Reaching the end of the line at the cook’s wagon, we waited behind a dozen others for our turn to collect a plate.

As Nicolette pressed closer to me, I kissed her hair. “My skepticism aside,” I said. “I must say, I greatly admire all this faith you put into a single tattoo. When you believe in something, you believe with your whole heart, don’t you?”

“Yes.” She gazed at me a moment before adding, “And I believe in you.”

Those five words. They almost felled me. I wanted to hold on to her forever. But I also wanted to push her away and tell her how wrong she was to put any faith in me. I was going to betray her. I’d been betraying her since the moment I’d come for her in Donnelly. It didn’t matter if I no longer planned to deliver her to the king; I’d lied to her about all of it.

I lied to her still.

I was the last person she should believe in.

Pure acid seemed to spread through my veins. The self-revulsion rose, and all the while, I sank closer to her, seeking the comfort and release only she could give.

Someone needed to save her from me. But who?

I glanced up as we reached the front of the line.

The serving woman blindly handed Nicolette a filled plate and cup of steaming liquid. Then she picked up the next to hand to me, only to lift her face and meet my stare directly, as if singling me out.

“For you, my lord.”

Before I could even mumble an awkward thank you, the woman went back to passing out breakfast to others, neither speaking to nor looking at anyone else.

I shuddered, not certain why such a small encounter left me rattled. Maybe because the only other person to ever call me my lord had been the soothsayer, Roloff, after he’d discovered who I was. Or maybe because she’d spoken to me and looked me in the eye when she hadn’t done so for anyone else.

Telling myself I was paranoid, I shrugged it off as nothing, even as I glanced back over my shoulder at her. I frowned, watching her pass out more trays, and then I shook my head, turning away again.

Suddenly, I couldn’t help but wonder who, from all these people, now thought of me as the Bastard Betrayer.

“This seems like a good place to eat, don’t you think?”

“Hmm?” I focused on Nicolette, realizing she’d paused in a sunny patch by a pair of tree stumps. “Oh.” I cleared my throat. “Yes, that’s fine. Whatever you like.”

She sat, and I settled myself, facing her as I placed my plate on my lap. After taking a long gulp of the brew, I sighed. But mmm, hot cinnamon cider. It was spiced and strong with just the kick I needed to stop my mind from spiraling like it had been these past few minutes.

“These people have been quite welcoming, you know,” Nicolette observed thoughtfully.

I grunted without replying.

“Especially upon learning I’m royalty from an enemy land,” she went on, keeping her voice low as she glanced around to make sure I was the only ears hearing her. “Is it bad if all their kindness makes me uneasily suspicious?”

I smiled at her. “I’d say it makes you smart, princess. For I feel exactly the same way.”

“Really?” She smiled, comforted. “Thank you. I’m much relieved to hear that.”

The glance we shared lingered a moment longer. Then, we both returned our attention to our plates and finished our breakfast.

Mydera approached just as I was biting into the last slice of hot bread I had left.

“Good news. You’re all set and ready to depart, my little lovers,” she announced with a proud smile, holding up the sack I’d brought to her earlier. When the golden wrist guards inside clinked together, I shot Nicolette a worried look, hoping she didn’t figure out what contents it held. But she merely tipped her head curiously, her gaze telling me she couldn’t suss out the mystery.

I nodded to Mydera and took the bag.

“We have your horses packed and waiting in the clearing just over there,” she told me.

“Thank you,” I said. “No matter your motives, we appreciate your help and generosity.”

Her eyes glittered with amusement, but she inclined her head graciously before she turned to address Nicolette who was handing her empty breakfast tray over to a waiting servant and pushing to her feet.

“I echo Farrow’s sentiment,” Nicolette said. “Thank you for taking us under your care. It was a recuperation I greatly needed.”

She opened her arms to the tall woman, and Mydera obligingly leaned down to hug her.

“It was our pleasure, princess. You’re the first royalty we’ve ever had in our ranks. It was an enlightening experience, one we’d like to repeat. And I hope my assistance in your endeavor to win over your true love goes accordingly.”

“Your…?” Nicolette’s brow knit in confusion. “Your assistance?” she echoed slowly. “But I didn’t get any—”

Mydera had already turned away, facing me, however. “Enjoy your apple juice, boy.”

My eyes met hers over the tipped bottom of the cup I still held to my mouth as I swallowed the last drop.

With a wink, the giant mage strolled away.

But what—?

I didn’t even get a full moment to wonder what any of that had meant before Nicolette was gasping, “Oh my God,” and lunging toward me to smack the cup from my hand.

My fingers were still raised in shock as the empty container went flying off, only to land somewhere in a pile of damp, molding leaves. I blinked slowly at the fallen mug, then turned to gape up at the woman gawking back at me.

“What the hell?” I said.

She merely reached for my arm and hauled me upright, causing the plate on my lap to upend and topple toward the ground. “I think that b***h put something in your drink. Do you feel okay?”

“Of course. I—whoa.” I clutched her arm as dizziness swamped me. My vision blurred and the world seemed to tilt one way before spilling the other.

“Farrow?” Nicolette shrieked in my ear. It sounded very loud and very shrill.

I winced at the volume and lifted a hand. Why was everything so f*****g loud? “I’m fine,” I assured her, still trying to squint my surroundings back into focus. “Just stood up too fast. Though…” I swung out my arm slowly, like a blind man feeling out his way. “Everything’s still awfully blurry.” With unspeakably amplified sound.

“Mydera had something put in your drink,” Nicolette told me, sounding certain this time. “Here.” She gripped my arm hard. “Follow my lead. We’re leaving. Now.”

I couldn’t think up a single reason to disobey, so I clutched her arm and walked wherever she directed, surprisingly not too concerned about the fact that my vision had suddenly failed me.

Hmm. Curious that.

Next to me, Nicolette growled savage curses, all of them aimed at Mydera. “I’d hunt her down right now and demand an anecdote. But the foul woman would probably only give us something worse. Dammit, I can’t believe she betrayed us like this. Here are the horses, my love. How’re you feeling?”

“I feel fine,” I answered, completely unconcerned. Honestly, I couldn’t remember feeling better. Energy flowed through my veins, making me want to move and experience every drop life had to offer. But even as I spoke, my hand went to my constricting collar, only to find the top two buttons already undone. “Say, isn’t it remarkably warm this morning?”

“No,” Nicolette snapped. “It’s decidedly chillier than it’s been during our entire trip. Take hold of Mint. Do you think you can put your foot in the stirrup, grab hold of the horn, and hoist yourself up without assistance?”

Straightening with indignation, I cast an offended scowl in her general direction. “Of course,” I said, only to pause and remember— “Hey, where’s my sack?”

I began to search my surroundings, even though all I could make out was blurry colors of light and dark.