Freeing Katie

Ch. 10 Opening Up the Past

KATIE POV

The end of summer is approaching.  School starts back up in two weeks, and Taylor invited Brenna and I for a sleepover at her house because she’s going out of town next week. 

We’ve been hanging out with a couple of other girls from school over the summer, but us three just click more, and I know that we are on the road to being in each other’s lives for a long time, no matter the obstacles life has.   In a span of a few months, we’ve already embraced each other’s flaws, supported Taylor when her mom began dating another man (her parents have only been divorced for two months), and helped Brenna prepare for her first date with Nate, which ended with a successful second, third, and forth date.

Those may be small things to others, but I know that we have each others backs without judgement, and I couldn’t have asked for better friends.

“So spill it girl….. Have you and Chase… ya know….”  Brenna then uses her pointer finger, sliding it through the circle shape of her other hand. 

Scratch that…. I should find new friends.  I knew I should have never told them about me falling asleep next to drunk Chase a few weeks ago. 

After I throw a chip at her, Taylor adds her two cents with laughter.  “You were practically in his lap during the movies last week.”

I scoff.  “That was for like one scene… and you know I hate horror movies with possessed children!”

At the girls ‘whatevers’, I shake my head.  I have noticed Chase in more ways other than friendship lately.  I’m just… really comfortable with him, and he makes me feel normal.  Even though he relentlessly flirts, it’s never out of malice or negative intent.  He’s just… Chase.  And I did have him pegged for a player, but honestly, he doesn’t hook up as much as I thought.  The two parties that I have been to over the summer were small, and though he does give kisses freely, I see him turn down more offers than he accepts.

“Can I ask you something, Katie?” Brenna hesitates.  When I nod, she looks shy.   Taylor looks curiously at her as well.  “How did you know when it was the right time to have s*x?  Taylor regrets her first time because that sleazy jock pressured her- no offense.”

“None taken,” Taylor shrugs.

“And I know Nate wants to wait until he finds ‘the one’… I mean.. we’re not even exclusive yet… but anyways, was your first time okay?  Who was he?  Did it hurt?  Does it get better?  My mom---”

As Brenna rambles on, I basically forget how to breathe.  How do I explain all this to them?  The last two sessions that I’ve had with Dr. Kelly, we’ve talked about the close relationships I’ve been developing and how I should start being honest about what’s happened with me.  She said it will always be a part of my life and I can either ‘normalize’ the conversation, or always treat it as a hinderance- something to hide forever and always cause me pain.

I want to move on from the past, so I take a shuddering breath after Brenna finishes, and bring my knees to my chest.  I can feel my hands shaking, not knowing how they are going to react.  I look between the girls and I can see that they are starting to look concerned.  The blood is already draining from my face so I know I look like I’m about to freak out.  “This is hard for me to get out…,” I say softly.  I close my eyes and take another breath, then open them back up, giving them a tight smile.  “You know how we moved here in the middle of the year?”

They both nod, not knowing where I’m going with this.

“We were trying to get away from all the memories… all the faces.”  I realize that my eyes are burning, threatening to shed tears, but I half laugh, taking a hand to rub that away.  “Jason’s dad was a horrible man.  He abused me and my brother, and sometimes my mom.  It wasn’t until I was eleven that he started finding other ways to make me scared…”  I turn to look at the wall instead of their faces.  “It was simple touches here or there at first, then turned into groping.  I just thought if I ignored him, it would stop….”

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and those same crestfallen faces of my peers and the adults back from my other town are shared by my friends.  “You don’t have to tell us…”

I throw out a mocking laugh.  “I don’t want to bum our night down, but my counselor wants me to try to open up- ‘part of the healing process’,” I say with air quotes.  They both nod and sit closer to me.  Taylor grabs my hand and squeezes for support and Brenna puts her hand on top of Taylor’s, and I gather the strength to finish.  “He r***d me just after I turned twelve.  I thought it was a one time thing, but then the holidays came around.  Mom was forced to work double and triple shifts, so he had more alone time to do it.  For over six months, I kept it a secret out of fear, but one night, I… I just couldn’t stop screaming when trying to get away from him, and the cops showed up at our door.”  I take a shaky breath.  “The neighbors called in a complaint and they arrested him after seeing the evidence of physical and s****l abuse.  They rushed me and my brother to the hospital, and that’s where my mom found out the truth.”

I turn to see that Taylor has tears going down her cheeks, and Brenna’s eyes are red like mine.  I give their hands another squeeze.    

“We were a broken family for a long time.  I was constantly having nightmares and holding in blame.  I began cutting myself not long after the whole incident.  Mom was frantic, not knowing how to help me, and Jason was just too young to understand why we were all like this.  I even went into an in-patient facility for ‘troubled’ teens.   About a year after that, we met Dr. Kelly.  She specializes in s****l abuse and trauma cases.  It started out with family counseling, which helped us out a lot, and I still see her for individual sessions.  We were from a small town, so everyone knew what happened in our house, so there was no getting away from our demons, even after Jason’s dad was imprisoned.  Once mom got a great offer with her job, we sailed ship, and now…. here we are.”

I know it was the short version of the truth, but they don’t need to know the gritty details.  A weight has been lifted and I’m relieved that they now knew.  Like Dr. Kelly says- my trauma is part of me, and the girls accepted me, even after knowing my flaws.

When all that information was digested, they began to ask about my scars, and with trembling hands, I showed the damage I did to my body, and the scars that Jason’s dad left on my back.  We all broke into tears when I explained how I dress to cover up and how I feel tainted, ugly, and not normal when I have to make excuses on why I do or don’t do things like everyone else.  They scolded my negativity and gave me so much encouragement to help me through whatever issues I have going on.

We stayed up the rest of the night focusing on positive things and trying to brighten up the situation.  Their faces were back to normal and we began to laugh as if I didn’t bring the party down.  They accepted the information and moved past it. 

By the next morning, I felt as if the bond of our friendship was strengthened ten fold, and I felt so much lighter in my heart. 

The first thing I did when I got home was give my mom a hug.  She was shocked at my randomness at first, then, after I told her what happened, she had her own tears to shed.  She sat me on the couch and just held me, telling me how proud she was of me.

Many times over the years we’ve been in this position- me always telling her I’m sorry, and her always begging for forgiveness.  We’re finally at a place where we can let go of the hurt and start enjoying what the future can hold for us.