My Auburn Witch (18+)

Chapter 6: Stuck In The Past

Ash P.O.V

What can heartbreak do to a person? Starve? Incapacitate? Drive them to complete insanity? Now imagine losing your soulmate. The one person that tied you to the damn planet in the first place. Your reason for existing. Samantha was that for me; my destined mate. She was born to be mine completely, and she accepted me wholeheartedly, flaws and all.

I guess I was too shocked at first to really register what had happened. The war against Elijah and his pack of filthy mutts was a blur to me; possibly because my mind was torn apart. But as days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, I realised that my Sam was never coming home. It shattered me. Every morning, I would wake broken and would spend my day trying to piece myself back together while raising such a small pup, and by nightfall, I would be at best, half the man I knew myself to be. Then the cycle would begin again the next day. After a while, I lost myself without her, not even my duty as Beta kept me on the straight and narrow.

But, I still had a piece of her in Esme. She was the only one that gave me hope of a better future. While she was small, and I was in amidst my grief, Victor and Elizabeth helped in any way they could to support me, but I was a crazed dog. I would disappear for weeks on end with no warning. Irresponsible and reckless, I know, but I was only 21. A young man with no idea how to be a father. Victor threatened me time and time again, that if I didn’t change, he would place my little mouse in the care of another, but Liz stood by me and my actions. She knew I would pull through it in my own time, and she was right. By the time Elizabeth fell pregnant with Penelope, I was just starting to come out of the gloom. 4 years it took me, of torture and misery to finally notice a way out and to see a light. I could only thank my daughter for forgiving me for being such a terrible father. I wasn’t the only one that lost someone that day so many years ago. She lost her mother, and I shouldn’t have forgotten about that.

I sat there holding that book for hours. The velvet under my fingertips had me thinking of her soft skin, and I loathed the thought. I felt like I was constantly betraying Sam by thinking things I simply could not control. The scent was so different from Samantha’s; I missed it. I could daydream hearing her singing in the kitchen, or laughing from a room down the hall in our home, but I could never see her, or talk to her. My hallucinations were growing more frequent every week.

“What am I going to do?” I whispered to myself in despair. I knew I didn’t have to accept this new mate. It was my decision alone; so, what was stopping me? Liz knew where she worked and I saw her on the street earlier today. If I wanted to, I could have just walked over, rejected her and be freed to morn my love for the rest of my days.

‘You don’t want to feel this way forever, that is why.’ Mane spoke up, as usual, knowing my inner turmoil.

‘And what about Sam?’

‘Dude…’ his pause told me more than his words could. She was gone, and she wasn’t coming home. ‘we have been alone now for 7 years. Sam wouldn’t want us to be unhappy, and the Goddess clearly agrees, otherwise, this other mate would not exist.’

‘Why do I have another mate in the first place? She would have been born to be mine. That means Samantha would have always died.’

‘Then, use that to forgive yourself. It wouldn’t have mattered if you stood by her side from dawn to dusk, she would have been taken from us no matter what we did.’

The truth always hurt.

“Daddy?” Esme’s squeak came from the open door as she peered around to look at me.

“What is it, little mouse? It’s late.”

“Can you tell me a story?”

“I’ve already told you one tonight.”

“No, one about mummy?” I let out a long breath, and forced a smile onto my lips. Placing the velvet book upon my bedsheets, I rose and picked up my pup, carrying her on my hip back to her pink bedroom. Laying her down within the duvet and tucking her in tightly, I sat beside her.

“So, a story about mummy. Let’s see.” I tried to recall all the stories Esme already knew; there were many. “Have I told you about the time mummy, Uncle Victor and I went to the lake?”

“Lots of times.” Her cheeky smile warmed me.

“Hmmm, ok.” Then I knew, “what about the time mummy told daddy about you?”

“No, I don’t know that one.” I smiled, and almost chuckled recalling my outrageous reaction.

“Well….” I spun her the tale, about how mummy was scared to tell daddy about her pregnancy. I told her how frightened daddy was that he would let her down, and how Uncle Victor helped me to understand that it would be ok. I explained how mummy was glowing as she grew larger and rounder, as she grew inside her tummy, and how daddy loved to feel her kick at night.

It was nice to recall the memories again and share them with our daughter. My fingers reached out to stroke the skin on Esme’s hand. Part me; part her.

“Will I ever have a brother or sister?” My eyebrows shot up. I had never even thought about loving another, let alone…

“I-I honestly don’t know, sweetheart. A lot has to happen to make a sibling.” She looked disappointed, and it crushed me. “Maybe, one day.” I didn’t believe it myself, but it made her smile as she snuggled deeper into her bedding.

“I hope it’s a boy.” A brother. I hadn’t realised my daughter felt this way. It seemed everyone wanted to move forward. It was me who was stuck in the past somewhere.

“Goodnight, mouse.” I planted a light kiss on her temple, and turned off her bedside lamp before venturing out the door.

“You’re going to meet her, aren’t you?” Elizabeth’s voice came through the mind-link, toying with me.

“What makes you say that?” I wondered back up the hallway to my own room, opening the door to see the book once again, on the bed.

“I just know. I’ll take you on Monday.”

‘Great….’