LOVE PROBABLY

3.

Finally home. It’s freezing cold in the house. October is a tough month. I raise the temperature of the boiler and light a fire, for the atmosphere. I’m not usually so cold but now, I’m probably brooding on something.

The fire crackles, the logs blaze and the flying ashes remind me of Mom. This is where the letter comes back to me.

I sit comfortably in my chair to discover the contents. My finger runs over the little pink envelope, caressing my first name. Besides being cold, I’m afraid. Small cold sweats make me shiver. What does it contain?

Panicked, I put it down for a moment, the time to swallow my dose of chocolate which, I hope, will give me courage and warm my heart, and especially my stomach. I make quick work of the cake, so to speak. The cream is delicious and thick; the chocolate coating is slightly crunchy and tasty. Yum, how long has it been since I had something so good?

“Come on, Madeline, stop putting off the moment. It’s time to find out what your mother has to say to you!” I say out loud to give myself courage.

Yes, I often talk to myself, it will take some getting used to.

This time I’m there. I open the small envelope carefully. I don’t want to tear anything in a hurry. I want to take my time and savour mom’s words. The writing is fragile, as surely her state of health at the time she wrote these lines. It’s dated June. It has therefore been more than five months since she wrote this note. My pulse races from the first words:

“My girl,

By the time you read this letter, I’ll no longer be of this world and Andrew Chambers (our notary) will surely have completed his task. You’re holding this piece of paper and you’re asking yourself questions.

I don’t know where to start. I’m so behind in everything I have to tell you. Madeline, my child, perhaps I should start by asking for your forgiveness?”

My heart quivers. Tears threaten. I grab the paper towel roll as a handkerchief and hug it tight against my chest as if it were a comfort blanket. The letter quivers between my fingers. I take a deep breath and resume my reading.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sure I was a bad mother and ruined your life. More than this illness, it’s the guilt that gnaws at me inside. Regrets. Remorse.

When your father died, the woman I was left with him. It’s not just the woman, the mother has also disappeared. Oh, how bad I feel to see this so many years later. And you, instead of running away, of living your life, you stayed by my side, faithful, an adorable little girl at first, then an uneventful teenager, then the beautiful woman you have become.”

My mother found me beautiful. She never told me. The tears now flow uninterrupted. Some of them fall on the paper, making small halos. I take a good sniff, wipe my face with the roll of paper and continue my discoveries.

“You sacrificed your life to stay close to the one who has so often ignored you. I hope that in time you will forgive me. I can almost feel your anger and pain. I know you, you know. More than you think. Don’t forget that it was I who gave you life. I’m sorry for not opening up to you. We are women, we would have understood each other.

Madeline, my only child. I want to give you a task. Don’t make that face…”

How could she know that I would frown at this exact moment? She’s right, she knows me better than anyone. So, let’s see... What is this task? I resume.

“Don’t make that face! This time it’s not a chore. As you read this letter, you are the proud owner of an apartment in London. I should have told you about it, but maybe I was afraid that you would decide to leave me sooner. I only thought of myself. I have been selfish. I’m sorry for that. Now that you are free from me, I want you to pack your bags and leave the village, go up to London and really LIVE! Do you understand that? You will see, London is magical.

In the chest of drawers in my bedroom, in the first drawer, you will find a folder. It’s for you. Your life begins now. As if you had just been born.

My apologies to you again, my daughter. I never knew how to prove my love to you but it beats in my heart, I swear it to you. It’s just that I couldn’t let it go. Unless it’s my blood pressure that’s racing. Anyway, don’t make the same mistake I did. Love relentlessly! Make lots of children and spoil them with love and hugs. Do it with me in mind. Explode this love held in you! Mine died when your father left. I didn’t know how to give it to you. Sorry again, child.

In a few weeks, or maybe months, if the illness is mild, I won’t be here. But know that I will watch over you wherever you are and whatever you do.

I love you, my daughter. I have always loved you.

Enjoy life, we only have one!

Sorry for my silences.

Your mother who loves you.

P.S. You see those spots, here and there? These are my tears. I couldn’t hold them back while writing you these few lines.

It’s 4 a.m. My whole body hurts and I hear your peaceful breathing in the next room. If I was someone else, I would probably have come to hug you, but I’m just me and I don’t have the courage. It’s such a shame. I hug you strongly. Farewell, my child.