These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER SIX

“Love is so short, forgetting is so long.”

-Pablo Neruda

I PLACED THE BOX that contained small succulents on the kitchen counter that was from Carson, my oldest sister. Before Chloe and I parted, she mentioned to me that Carson wanted to give me this, for a small housewarming gift that she thought I must have even after all the events that stirred us all. We have a huge age gap and I haven’t spoken to her that much; she never showed that much emotions as well, with that; I am quite uncertain of the underlying reasons why she did this. It is as though I have been soaked in pain and vindictiveness for a long period of time that an act of kindness feels so strange to me. I peered on the window as the image of the pale sky welcomed me; it looked excessively tranquil as if it did not rage yesterday. I sighed and just took a seat on the stool in the kitchen. I still feel too overwhelmed but I want to try, seven days will not torment that much I think but even though I try to cling onto that thought, I eventually remember how days feel like centuries to me. I lost trust in myself that I can eventually get by.

“You should learn how to close your door,” A familiar voice broke the silence. The sound of his voice made my insides tremble as I heard the door close; I turned my head to see Trevor holding a box and setting it immediately on the floor.

 “What are you doing here?” I asked, feeling uneasy due to his presence.  I stood up and took small steps towards him.

“I just want to return your things.  All of them are here; so you wouldn’t ask me again from time to time.” His eyes looked so blank, as if it weren’t hiding anything else from me.

“That’s all?”

“Why? Is there something else you want to hear from me?”  I looked at him and I was already collapsing inside; I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to hear from him and even if there are words I wanted to hear from him, I cannot force him to tell me those. Love is already drained from his eyes. Deep inside me, I was hoping that he would be able to fathom that I don’t want him to go yet, and for this to end.

“Can we talk for a bit?” I had the courage to ask him and I was glad enough that he didn’t immediately shove me off.  “Sure,” He nodded as we both took a seat on the couch; I can feel that he is only doing this to compromise and for us to have a clean end. A long moment of silence devoured the both of us, no other words just my stealthy glance on him as he was just staring on his hands upon nothingness, upon exhaustion. The view of him still gives me the same exhilaration as before even amidst chaos, to me he had always been a small glint of light but now it felt like the light is slowly decaying, remaining as embers in my mind.

“Are you leaving today?” I asked him.

“Tomorrow morning, I still have to settle a couple of things later before I leave.” He was moving away to Switzerland for college like what he have always dreamed, he received a scholarship grant from a university which entirely made his family proud of him.

“I’m proud of you,” I said. He forced a smile as he nodded.

“Thank you,” The small talk was killing me already. It feels as though tremendous walls are built in great height making it impossible for me to cross the threshold. Witnessing how much things have changed torments me, how everything became so incomparable than how we both began, erupting with love, hopes and dreams. But now, it’s all nothing.

“Trevor?” Even saying his name felt painful for me as if I was walking on eggshells but  the shells felt like rusty iron nails piercing my feet.

“Yeah?”

I looked at my lap instead of looking at him. Shame was eating me alive.  “I’m sorry,”

“Why are you saying sorry?” Because it always felt like everything is my fault and I know no other ways to compensate for the damage that has been happening longer that I can ever remember. It always seemed like I am the one held accountable for everything and I don’t know how to lessen the intensity of the chaos. It’s too much for me.

“We both didn’t want things to end up this way,”

“I just don’t want to end whatever we have yet,” I said even when I knew I shouldn’t be saying this. Every drop of hope abandoned him already.  

“Neither do I, but I am burnt out, Charlie.”

“It’s not easy for me, please.”  My words were suddenly hasty, coming from mere desperation. I was already beginning to loathe myself for being this needy with my spilling willingness to beg for him to stay just for us to have this although it is utterly selfish that I am pressing for something he no longer wants.

“I just lost my mother a month ago and I felt like I lost my family too-“

“You are not the only one who’s having a hard time here Charlie; it’s not easy for me too. I mean if you could have had better decisions then maybe things wouldn’t be this f****d up.” He spat those words as if he was dying to tell it to me for so long, he looked so done. Defeat washed over me like a tidal wave. 

“What did I even do wrong?”

“Your family didn’t like me at all and even if I was there, I know they were just putting some- stupid f*****g mask, I don’t even know why. And we both know how my mom and dad loved you as if they were your own child. They want a good future for me, and I can’t take someone with me who’s not even gonna go to college; who doesn’t even have a job and I don’t want to explain the whole thing to my family and friends. It’s about time that I’ll pursue other things without you.”

“But this is only for temporary,”

“Only for temporary? Charlie, you told me everything about your parents, your sisters, your grievances towards them. How they blame you for the death of your mother, and how they somehow made a point.  I don’t think this will be temporary Charlie.” He pressed, but he was trying to keep self-control.

 “You only just want to run away from me, don’t you?”

“Maybe if you’ll understand it better that way, then yes I do.”  Tears cascaded on my face as I attempted to gather up myself and to keep composure. I no longer want to show any sign of weakness and acceptance that all of these are rooted from my liability, but I couldn’t hold myself together, I’m just human; we cannot carry so much.

Trevor looked at me with an unexpected flash of regret on his eyes, but I tried not to hold onto it; I just allowed my tears to flow with the pulsating ache on my chest begging to be placated. In this way, perhaps everything that I feel will run down the drain. He suddenly wrapped his arms around me and on a split second, I got intoxicated upon his touch. I cried harder as thoughts in my head rushed, placing the death of me in a haste; images flashed inside my mind how each time I melted and did my never ending laps of self depreciation, he was with me; even through small triumphs, and major disappointments, he did not abandon me. The world surely was vile, but he was the one I anchored up to, perhaps it’s time to let him rest, let him go and allow him to start a new chapter of his life that will no longer involve me, even when I don’t want to. This is the only way.

“I’m sorry Charlie; this is too much for me too.” He soothed while my head is still buried on his chest. His palm was softly running on my arm, seemingly calming my storms and worsening it at the same time.

“Trevor,” With the courage that was left in me, I looked up to him.

“What is it?” He expelled a deep breath,

“Please tell me one last time that you love me, even when you no longer mean it.”

 “You’re already in so much pain,” Tears filled his eyes, I understand it very well. He is tired too.

“Please,”

“I love you Charlie, I hope you’ll be okay,” He kissed my forehead causing me to further shiver. He allowed his arms to rest onto mine for a while and I did not waste a single minute through committing this to my memory, for the last time. I could feel how much I still want to give him all that is left within me, but I have nothing against someone who has fought for so long, someone who was already battered with exhaustion. Not even the right love can tantamount the determination of someone who wants to desert a situation and a person that no longer serve him. I know that in my head, but my heart doesn’t want to accept it but I’ll find a way and I must find a way by myself now.

“I have to go now, Charlie,” He wiped my tears gently with his thumb as he entangled his arms off me. He expelled a deep breath before looking at me longingly, for the last goddamn time.

He whispered “Please be okay,”