Missing Pages

Letters and Feelings

Chapter 1 - Ageha 

I still remember clearly that my mother always had the habit of writing a letter to my father at least once a week, although he would rarely answer her back, she never got discouraged about that...

A smile was always on her face at all times when she wrote to him as she told me stories about when they met or when I was born, but... There was one day that such emotions disappeared from my mother when a letter from my father arrived.  

... The simple piece of paper, which was always awaited, became unpleasantly opened on that day, and the words on it faded with the falling tears...

My childish mind never understood what happened between my parents, who even living far away from each other, always seemed to have a good relationship, or at least I believed they had...

After that, years flowed like a river, and, even if the letters were no longer sent, they were yet written to the same receiver by my mother, who treated him as an unreachable hero in the bedtime stories she would always tell me.

... Even though my father was just a simple Human being like us...

But why would I be thinking about it at the moment? Well, anyone would ask me that right now, and the answer was easier than to say that one plus one was two, the letter of that sad afternoon of years ago was now in my hands with thousands of others which seemed to be written by him to her...

Pages stained in yellow by time in the little wooden box that held them all together in a simple gesture of longing for a time that would never come back.

The first ones... Proclaimed the strong passion they felt for each other and wouldn't lose to any other couple from romantic books, but the last ones...  Theses... I didn't the courage to read since almost all the papers were stained with tears marks, and it cut my heart from just imagining the reason behind it.

... But even so, there was one which was an exception.

The last letter she received, the one from that day.

The few words I could read from my father were cold and tough before he told her that it would be better for them no longer be together, ending the relationship a distance they had, saying it would be better for everyone, especially me.

... I couldn't understand how it could get me involved too if I couldn't even remember him. And the few things I knew about him were from the stories my mother always tried to tell me whenever possible, saying that maybe it would help me to remind something from my childhood.

... Even if it never happened...

However, it was hard not to agree that she was right about one thing, the color of his eyes was the same as mine, a greenish hazel that highlighted the old Asian man face that was so unfamiliar to me, even though I've seen him several times in old photos, seeing him in person for the first was so different.

... And the occasion didn't make it any easier either too...

He was waiting for my answer about what he had just proposed, or rather, what I would like to do about what he had just read to me... The handwritten words from my mother asking him for that, made it even harder to me say no, to say that I would be fine on my own... Even if I wasn't sure that was true.

The last few months had been hard on her side before the last goodbye which still wetting my eyes, and I didn't even know if one day I would be able to forget these painful moments, so... Maybe live with other people would be good for me now, instead of continuing in this old apartment, full of good and bad memories.

"So, what do you think?" He asked me once more, making my eyes return to the papers in my hands... An old one that made her cry and a new one that was written through the tears.

"... Ok, I will live with you, if that was her last wish..." I answered him indifferently, and those were the only emotions I could feel then about everything, including him.

As I mentioned, my father wasn't someone I could remember about, his existence was like a blank board in my life, and for the past twenty years, I never saw him since my mother and I moved back to Japan when I had five years old.  

Maybe if I were someone else, I would hate him, especially now, the terrible time he decided to reappear in my life, yet...

I felt nothing about that man.

He could be my dad, but I didn't remind any time we spent together and the old stories... To me, they were just that, old stories told by someone who wanted me to believe that my life was like that in the past.

A life that I couldn't remember, and it gave me headaches every time I tried to think about, after all... Somehow... I knew I had forgotten something important amidst those memories, something important about who I was or supposed to be.

... Which no one wanted to tell me about...

Maybe living with him, I would finally remember something... Maybe I would understand for once why they had decided to live apart... If it had been my fault, or if it was just their love that had faded away in the end.

... Maybe in there, I would finally find the answers I looked for...

"Do you need help when you move there? I can come -" He started to tell me, but I soon interrupted him.

"No, you don't have to. Thank you." The smile that showed in his face with my 'yes' was gone now. "I won't take many things, so I can probably take everything by myself... You... You said my room is already tidy with all the stuff in place, right?"

"Yes! Your old room is already clean and tidy, you could move in even today if you wanted." Smiling again, he mentioned excitedly.

"Ok... So what do you think about next week?" Maybe this would be enough time if I wanted to change my mind. "In that way, I can finish all my work calmly this week."

"That will be perfect!" He spoke cheerfully before hugging me to my surprise. "I'm so glad we will live together again, Ageha."

Just a subtle smile on my lips as I hoped I had made the right decision about... This.