The devil Alpha

The loneliness

*Lucian*

"Expected to be collecting from you sooner," Jack says as he welcomes me into our establishment that evening.

"I went away for a bit."

Three days to be exact. The worst part is when I return from the brink of despair, when the liquor has served its purpose and its effect begins fading. My head hurts, my stomach roils, and I feel like bloody hell. It’s a strange thing for a man such as me, a man who’s done the things I have done, to be hit with a bit of conscience. It’s always worse at night, when I face my own demons alone. All that will change once I marry Frannie. She will distract me from my somber musings. She will bring light into my darkness. She will be my salvation.

"Into a bottle?" Jack asks.

"I don’t see that it’s any of your concern." I mumble.

Jack shrugs. "It’s not. I just wondered if I should send another case of my finest whiskey round to your residence."

I hate admitting my weakness, even to Jack. "Yes, see to it. Tonight if possible."

"Consider it done." He says.

I’m well aware of Jack studying me. I also know my friend won’t ask what has prompted my latest fall, so I’m surprised when I hear myself blurt, "I had a visit from Miss Evangeline."

Jack furrows his brow. "Miss Evangeline?"

"Daughter to the Alpha of Greywind." I explain.

One of Jack’s eyebrows shoots up. "My, my. Aren’t we keeping distinguished company of a sudden?"

"She wanted me to kill someone." I tell him.

His other brow shoots up. "Who’s the unlucky bloke?"

"She wouldn’t say." I admit.

"I assume you declined to do her bidding." He says.

I nod, "You assume correctly."

"Were you bothered that she had little doubt you could carry out her request?" He asks.

I’m bothered by the fact that she thinks I would carry it out. With no explanation, no justification as though I’m a man accustomed to washing blood off my hands. But I’m not going to confess all that to Jack so I hold my silence.

Jack slaps me on the shoulder. "Don’t be troubled, my friend. They are no better than we are; the only difference is we know it, recognize our faults, and readily admit to having them."

"I’m supposed to be one of them, Jack." But I have never felt comfortable around them, never felt as though I belonged.

"But we both know you’re not." He says.

Jack is the only one who knows the truth of my deceptions, knows I had pretended to recall what the old Alpha wanted me to.

"No, I’m not." I admit.

"Don’t know why you feel so damned guilty about it." He says.

I sigh, "I grew fond of the old Alpha. It didn’t seem quite right to deceive him."

The old Alpha had loved me because he had thought I was his grandson. It’s one thing to fool someone into giving me a coin so my stomach wouldn’t ache when I went to sleep that night. It’s not quite as easy to swallow the notion that I had tricked someone into giving me his heart.

"You made him happy, Luc. It’s not often that we are able to do something that causes a person to die as the old Alpha did, content and satisfied, knowing that his pack was safe in your hands and believing that in your hands it rightfully belonged. Draw some comfort in that."

I try. I really do. “I’m taking Frannie out for a while.”

Jack grins cockily, but then everything about him is cocky and self-assured. He had even swaggered when we were in prison, as though it were all a grand joke, when I had never been more terrified in my entire life.

“Finally going to do it, huh?” Jack asks.

“I think you have made enough money off me.” I mumble.

He grins, “I will never have enough, but you’re right. I’m tired of collecting on this wager. It’s grown boring. Go make her… and yourself… happy.”

That’s my plan as I stride through the establishment, briefly acknowledging those of my acquaintance, until I make my way to the back where I know I will find Frannie. She does her good works during the daylight hours, but at night she sees to Jack’s books. She’s sitting at the desk, with her hair pinned up in a no-nonsense type of bun.

She wears her usual non-enticing clothing and yet I’m enticed, as always.

“Good evening, Frannie.” I say softly.

She glances up, without being startled this time. I have no doubt caught her before she’s immersed herself fully in the numbers.

“I expected you to come by sooner for an accounting of how I spent your donation.” She says.

“I was occupied with other business. Besides, I told you that you didn’t owe me an accounting. I was wondering, however, if you might be willing to take a ride with me in the coach.” I say.

She looks confused, “Whatever for?”

“I just thought it would be nice to get away from Jack’s books for a while. There’s no fog yet and the city at night can be quite breathtaking. I would like to share it with you.” I tell her.

“You sound so mysterious.” She mumbles.

I force a smile, “We have not had much time together of late, and I always enjoy your company, as you well know.”

“I could show you the children’s home. The building is almost completed.” She says excitedly.

“I would like that.” I tell her truthfully.

As she stands, she gives me the same sweet smile that always warms me. I snatch her shawl from the hat rack near the door and drape it around her shoulders. Then I extend my arm. Shyly, she places her hand on my forearm. Neither of us speaks a word until we reach my coach and the servant opens the door. She halts as I’m assisting her inside. Her smile is bright, she looks back over her shoulder at me. “It’s filled with flowers.”

“Yes, I thought they would bring you pleasure.” I say softly.

“They must have cost you a fortune.” She mumbles.

I hear the gentle scolding in her voice. She doesn’t believe in frivolous spending, and her attitude only serves to diminish my pleasure at giving her a gift.

“I can well afford it, Frannie.” I tell her.

“You’re far too generous, Luc.” She tells me.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m generous enough. She climbs inside, and I follow, sitting opposite her, the fragrance of the flowers almost nauseating. An abundance of bouquets are arranged on either side of her. I will have my servant carry them to her living quarters when we return.

As the coach rolls along the street, the dim light of the lantern inside allows me to have a shadowy view of her. I always take such delight in watching her, and the confines of the conveyance create an intimacy that I would not have been able to achieve while she sits at her desk with her ledgers before her. Leaning forward, I take her bare hands in mine. While I know it’s improper for my bare skin to touch hers, it somehow seems appropriate at this moment. I have memorized Shakespeare’s twenty-ninth sonnet to recite to her, but I suddenly feel that I should rely on my own words, as inadequate as they might be. “Frannie, I adore you. I always have. Will you honor me by becoming my Luna?”

Her smile withers, her fingers tighten around mine. She shakes her head jerkily. “Luc, I can’t,” she whispers hoarsely, and I hear the terror in her voice.

I close my hands more firmly around hers. “Frannie…”

“Luc, please…”

“Frannie, allow me to finish.” I say imploringly.

She nods.

“I know your only experience…” how to say it without terrifying her more? “…with a man was nothing short of brutal, but I assure you that in my bed you will find nothing except tenderness. I will be as gentle as a man can possibly be. I will never force you, nor will I rush you. I will wait until you’re ready. It will be good between us, Frannie. I swear to you.”

I see tears brimming in her eyes. “Please don’t cry, sweetheart.”

She lifts my hands and presses her lips to my knuckles. “I know you would never harm me, Luc, but you are an Alpha and I…” she releases a bitter laugh, “… I don’t even know my real name. Do you think there is actually a family somewhere in Blackrock city named Tempest who has no idea what happened to their daughter? I’m Frannie Tempest because that is how Feagan referred to me. ‘Frannie, you are a small tempest.’ And so when your grandfather asked me my name, I said Frannie Tempest. I was a child. What did I know?”

“I don’t care about your origins,” I say roughly.

“You know who your family is. I have no idea, and a she-wolf who becomes a Luna should know.”

I could confess to her that I don’t know who my family is any more than she does hers, but to know of my deceit wouldn’t endear me to her. If anything it could cause me to lose her completely. While she’s always known I harbored doubts about the old Alpha, she has never known that my doubts were justified, that I had done all in my power to convince the old Alpha I was his grandson. She has never known that I had lied, deceived, tricked the old Alpha into seeing what he wanted to see. Death waiting in the shadows was a powerful motivator, but even then I don’t think she wouls forgive me for taking so much that didn’t belong to me. But I’m spoiled now from having. I don’t want to give it back. I won’t give it back.

“Frannie, don’t think of yourself as becoming a Luna. Think of yourself as becoming my mate. That is all that matters to me.” I tell her.

“How can you say that, Luc? Good Goddess, you sit in the House of Alphas. The responsibility that comes with your position is overwhelming. And it falls to the Luna to know all manner of etiquette and rules. When we have people over for dinner…”

I shake my head, “We won’t have dinners.”

“And when I’m presented to the Lycan queen? Do you know how I am to dress? Do you know what behavior I must and must not exhibit?” She asks.

“You could learn. The old Alpha gave you lessons. He hired tutors.” I mumble.

She shakes her head, “They taught me to read, write, cipher, and speak properly. But dear Goddess, Luc, your grandfather never expected me to become a Luna. He saw that I was taught to serve, not to be served.”

I am searching for words.

“Please don’t ask this of me. I owe you everything. You saved my life.” Tears roll along her cheeks. “But please don’t ask this of me. Please don’t ask me to step into your world. The very thought of it terrifies me. It would be such a lonely place.” She begs.

The very reason I want her there. Because I’m so damned lonely. There are times when I think I will die of loneliness, times when I can imagine no worse hell than to be caught between two worlds. To live in one, but belong in the other.

“Frannie…”

“Please, Luc, I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t marry you. I simply can’t. It will destroy me.” She tells me.

I look at her. “You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“But I’m not as strong as you. I could never do the things you have done.” She says.

Sometimes, I think that I would have been better off letting them drop the noose around my neck.

“Is there nothing I can say to sway you?” I ask.

Slowly she shakes her head.

With a sigh, I release her hands, lean back, and gaze out the window. The fog is rolling in. It somehow seems symbolic. “I hope you don’t mind if I would rather not go see your children’s home right now.”

“I’m so frightfully sorry…” She starts.

“Don’t, Frannie, don’t keep apologizing. It only makes matters worse.” I tell her.

“I do love you, you know,” she says softly.

Which only serves to make everything all the more unbearable.