It was never easy to admit to my mistakes especially when it comes down to disappointing my parents. Knowing that they always believed in me. Lying to my parents made me feel sick to my stomach. They were always the ones who stood by me. Let me be whoever I want to be.
Talking to my mother about what was going on between Mark and me, felt good even though it wasn’t something I was proud of. We discussed my options of what I’ll be getting out of the divorce. Mark wanted nothing from me and he also gave me nothing because I had no job. All the hard-earned money I’ve made over a couple of years were mine. He thought I was getting nothing compared to him if he only knew.
My mom and I had a quick lunch before heading over to the boutique where she was borrowing our dresses for tomorrow. Dad was home when we arrived. He was snuggling with their new puppy that they got a few days ago and I couldn’t get rid of the image of the big bad man snuggling with a small fluff ball of love. Nothing around the house changed much, not even the view of the ocean. Including my bedroom. Everything was exactly how I left it. Walls covered in pictures of my friends and me. My medals and trophies still locked up in the display case. Also, the photo of me and Jason still sticking to my mirror.
I placed my bags down to take the picture in my hand. I stopped counting the times I wanted to burn this picture. I hoped that he would one day come back. It was the last picture taken of us. We were at the rock climbing centre, where we liked to hang out. Every bad day, he would take me and we would spend hours rock-climbing. He even once took me for outdoor rock climbing. One day we came across a waterfall and we used to spend a lot of time there before life took the steering wheel back in their hands and took control of our lives.
I stared at the photo of us and I couldn’t stop wishing that things didn’t turn badly between us. I remember how I was screaming at him. Yelling at him to go and never come back. That’s exactly what he did. He was gone the next day and I haven’t seen him since. No phone call. No contact.
I placed the photo back and headed back down to the kitchen to help my mother with dinner. Dad was talking about his new fighter, Adam. He was complaining about his attitude and how he thought that Adam wasn’t ready for his first fight. I haven’t told him about Mark and me. Mom was leaving it all up to me to tell him. I know they have a steady relationship and doesn’t hide a thing from each other. She trusted me to tell my father at my own pace. Dad is not like mom; he doesn’t express his anger as she does. One never knows what he is thinking but I know he was going to be unsettled. We always had a strong relationship and he was honest with me. Told me that he thinks I’m making a mistake by getting married to Mark at such a young age but he still left it up to me.
Mom had my back whenever I was in trouble. She knew Mark was bad for me but she let me also make my own decisions. “Does Adam belong to any fight club?” My mom asked my dad. She bumped my shoulder when she noticed that I zoomed out from their conversation. “He did. He recently moved to EFC.” My dad explained looking at me with a quirked eyebrow.
He knows something is up. Mom and I have been dancing around the topic of Mark and where he was. Dad was cleverer than that to fall for our lies. He didn’t press me for details but I know he was dying to know the truth.
After helping my mom clean up the table, I offered to take my parent’s new puppy for a walk before her bedtime. She joined my dad watching last night’s replays when I left. The night breeze tickled my senses but it was comforting. I forgot how it felt to live close to a beach, where no one stands in front of a gate waiting for you to leave the house to bombard you with billions of questions and taking pictures of you.
Even with darkness all around, I could see the outlines of the ocean and the quiet beach. Memories of me running up and down, playing with my parents and Jason played in the back of my mind. I gazed at the ocean. I was hoping to find a way just like my mom to clear my head and got back to the bed. But the more I looked at the ocean, the more I thought about Jason.
My secrecy started ten years ago when I lost my innocence to my best friend. One never forgets your first kiss, just like it happened yesterday and one never forgets the night you lost your innocence. Not one of us was intoxicated with alcohol or anything stronger than our feelings. The hesitation of a touch. A brush of two naked bodies. And lips entangled. A night of passion that I can’t forget about even for a fifteen-year-old girl. My first night with Mark wasn’t even memorable as my first and only night with Jason. Not even our so-called honeymoon. Jason gave me something that Mark never did.
And maybe, somehow, I was secretly clinging to that night, that I forgot how to love someone else besides, Jason.
Maybe this was my fault after all because I couldn’t let go of the past. I was clinging to a fantasy that ended ten years ago. Why should I even cry when I was the problem all along? I couldn’t fully give my heart to Mark because someone already has it.
He joined the Navy. A boy who used to have a golden right foot and who was meant to play soccer joined the Navy. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. He received scholarships all over the world from different institutes because of his incredible score in soccer but he rejected all of them. I couldn’t even ask him out about it because he left before I could find out. Lucy told me that he enlisted and the next week, he was gone.
I thought I knew him back then. The boy with a crooked smile. Short, light brown hair and honeycomb brown eyes that could see everything except that I loved him more than a friend. He was tall as a giant and no matter what, he smiled and laughed at your jokes. He always tried to cheer me up in bad situations.
Where did I go wrong? We were inseparable. I was at every single soccer game, in the front line, and always cheered the loudest. I even stole Lucy’s pom-poms to cheer for him. In one day, he was gone and what we had, didn’t exist. Tomorrow is Ryan and Rachel’s wedding and he will be there. I will see him for the first time in ten years. I was nervous, anxious, and excited at the same time. But then again…
I paused when I noticed someone seated hunched over on the beach. I thought about turning around and going back to the house when Shiba barked at the person. They looked up and for a beat of a moment, I thought my heart was going to stop. My jaw when slack when he stood up from the sand. He was as tall as ever. I looked at his broad shoulders, wondering where the hell they came from. I yelped when Shiba pulled the leash making me almost have a face plant. My heart was beating rapidly against my chest as he neared. He crouched down to pet Shiba, she nuzzled his hand and gave a whiny sound begging for him to continue.
I put on a poker face when he stood back up. My shoulders trembled underneath my top as our eyes locked. It has been ten years. His exterior might have changed but not his eyes. They were steady as they stared into my unsteady eyes. “Maxine.” My name rolled of his tongue, like smooth silk and I forgot how to breathe. His voice velvet and deep. There is only one man that can make the hairs on the back of neck stand up.
“Should I salute you or thank you for your service, sailor?” His dazzling smile caught me by surprise.
“Just a hello, will be fine.” He answered, his strong voice making everything inside of my tummy turn to mush.
“Hi, Jason.”