Hawk

12 - Nightmares

Brooke

My chest is heaving harshly. My head hurts like hell, and I’m being pinned down by my arms. However, it’s just Hawk. It’s not my father beating the hell out of me like in my dream.

That dream was so real. I could see and feel every little thing that was happening to me. I tried to fight back, but my father got the better of me, just like in real life. He kicked and punched me until I was black and blue. Then he stole my baby, and I ran and ran, trying to catch him. But no matter what I did, I could not reach him.

I wish I hadn’t let those thoughts into my head before I went to bed. The dream was so vivid; it frightened me like nothing ever had before. Not even when my father threatened to kill Hawk was I this afraid.

The moment he told me he’d be sending Gabriel away and I only had hours to spend with him, that frightened me like never before. Every second I held him was a second closer to losing him. If I hadn’t run away and walked so many miles to get to Snakes Henchmen clubhouse and Hawk, I wouldn’t have my baby boy right now, and God only knows where he’d be and if I would ever see him again.

I would never have stopped trying to find my son. However, the fact remains that Gabriel would have been adopted by someone who would have taken him far away from here. There is no way Hank would have allowed anyone in Tenessee to take my son. That monster would have sent my baby to another country, and there would have been nothing I could have done to bring him home.

I couldn’t have gone to the authorities because I wouldn’t have got away from the farm. My parents and brothers would have kept me a beaten-down prisoner. I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept me locked in a room without windows. Trust me, they have done it before.

I know I need help dealing with my thoughts and feelings. I am not ashamed to admit that, nor am I scared to ask for help. I will never be free of the past without help. Marnie taught me that asking for help is brave and never to believe it is weakness.

I will talk to Hawk about seeing a therapist. Deep inside of me, I want to get my confidence back. Regardless of how I was raised, I was confident away from that farm. I’m not so confident anymore.

How do I ever get back to being me?

“It’s okay, Brooke, you’re safe, baby, I’ve got you.” The tears pool around my temples. Hawk lets go of my arms and pulls me into his. I cling to him as he soothes my silly fears.

I’ll get over what my father did to me in time, but it’s still raw right now. Emotionally, I’m cracking. So much has happened in the past few days that it’s finally catching up with me.

Hawk strokes the back of my head. I’m safe in his arms; I know I am. He’d never let anything happen to Gabriel or me. He’d kill and die for us; I know this without a shadow of a doubt.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble against his chest.

“What happened, baby?”

“It was just a dream about Hank and everything he did to me, what he tried to do to Gabriel. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t leave when I did. I would never have known what happened to our baby boy, Dante.”

“Don’t, Brooke,” I lift away from him so that I can look at him. He strokes my face with the back of his hand. “You’re so strong, Brooke. You walked away from that place with Gabriel and came to find me. Even thinking I had moved on, you still came to find me, never once thinking about yourself. Every step you took was for Gabe and his safety. Do you have any idea how brave that was?”

How could my mother ever have asked me what I saw in this man?

Which she did once. She didn’t mean his color or the family he comes from; she meant in general. He’s a biker, after all. They’re bad people, she told me.

I told her the truth. Hawk is kind, understanding, sweet, and always puts me first. He told me that no matter how disrespectful my family was toward others, it didn’t mean I had to disrespect them in return. I told my mother how Hawk was the angel God sent to me. I fully believed that to be true. Because since the day I met him, he has been the only thing that made sense to me. Each smile he shoots my way makes my tummy flutter in the best way.

I could have sworn I saw a slight smirk on my mother’s face when I told her that. But it was so quick, I couldn’t have been sure, but for a second, I felt like she understood me. However, as quick as it came, the mood went. She slapped me to the ground and called me all sorts of vile names that she kept on calling me for months afterward. She even told me that I would end up like Marnie, a nobody who had to marry a man who lived to beat the hell out of her.

Yes, my parents knew how my sister’s husband treated her. It may not have been spoken about, but they knew, and they didn’t give a shi.t. Marnie’s husband is rich and sends money to my parents to help keep their farm going. As long as they get their money every month, they don’t give a damn what happens to their daughter.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to see my sister after this. There’s no way her husband will ever allow us to meet up now after I’ve left home for a man with a black momma. It was rare that we were allowed to see each other when I did live with my parents. Once my parents tell Paul what I’ve done, that I’ve had a baby with a man of color, the chances of me seeing Marnie again will be nonexistent because Marnie’s husband is as racist as my father.

“I don’t feel very brave, Hawk. I feel anything but right now.”

“Sweetheart, don’t do this to yourself. You are brave. You’re a wonderful mother. You're beautiful, and you are mine.”

I smile as he leans in and kisses me. “I love you, Dante.”

“I love you, too, beautiful.”

I look over his shoulder at the crib Emelda had Roman gone out and collected for Gabriel earlier on. However, my baby isn’t there.

“Where the hell is my baby?!” I jump out of bed in a panic, but Hawk grabs my arm and pulls me against him. “Let go of me! I have to find Gabe!”

“He’s with Grams, Brooke. He’s fine.” With his hand on the back of my head, he holds me to him, shushing me and telling me everything will be okay.

I need to snap out of this. I can’t let what might have happened keep ruling what’s going on in my life now. Gabriel and I are perfectly safe. I have left my bigoted family behind for Hawk’s family. I’m happy here. Gabriel will never know my family or their way of thinking. My son will know only this family of wonderful people who teach their children to love every person equally.

We’re going to be okay. I just have to remind myself of that every day until the day I no longer need reminding.

* * *

I stroke the back of my tiny boy’s head as he suckles on my breast. I’m sitting in the rocking chair beneath the window, rocking him gently as he feeds. Gabe looks so cute in his little feetie sleep-suit of baby blue and cotton mittens on his hands. He smells of talc, and I can’t stop smiling at him while tapping his little butt gently. His eyes are open and looking right at me. I know he can’t see anything but shapes and shadows right now, but I know he knows who I am.

He makes little-humming noises as he suckles, and I chuckle. I’ve never felt love like this before. I always knew that I’d love any child I might be blessed with, but I didn’t realize how complete I would feel.

Being here with Hawk, who right now is fast asleep on his back in the bed across the room, safe with Gabe in my arms, I know we’re going to be okay. That man will one day be my husband. He’s already the father of my child, and I remember all those months ago when we talked about marriage and children.

He still loves me and never really gave up hope that I would one day find my way back to him. I admit that I was losing faith there for a while, but I did it; I made it back to him with our son in my arms.

No one could possibly understand how much I love Hawk. Every part of me loves every part of him. There is nothing about him that I don’t like. Whatever kind of man he is when he’s not with me, when he’s with his club, is the man he has to be for that fact alone. However, when he’s with me, he is the man who makes me smile, laugh, feel safe, and want to be the best woman I can be for him.

He’s sweet, kind, caring... to me anyway, because I know he’d do anything for me. I don’t even have to ask him; I just know it.

“You see that man over there, Gabe?” I ask my newborn son after he’s finished feeding; I’ve tucked myself away and turned him in my arms to face his daddy. “That man is the best man I know. Your daddy loves you so much, and he will always protect you. Daddy is going to teach you so many things, Gabe. He’ll teach you how to play ball and ride a bike. He’ll read you stories at bedtime, kiss your head, and tell you how much he loves you. Your daddy will never let you down, and I know he’ll never push you to be someone you’re not. He’ll teach you respect because your daddy has that in spades.”

I know my baby is fast asleep right now, but I want to tell him this stuff. I will always tell him how special his daddy is and how lucky we are to have him.

“There are bad people in this world, Gabriel. Bad people who will do and say things that hurt badly. Mean people who will make comments about your grandparents. Your grandfather Jack is a very nice man, and he loves your grandma Taylor as I’ve never known a man to love a woman. She’s very beautiful, your grandma. She may have different colored skin from ours, but she’s perfect, Gabe. You’re going to love her so very much. Never let anybody make you feel ashamed of where you come from. Be proud of your family, Gabe, because they will always be proud of you.” I kiss his head and breathe him in.

Hawk and I are going to give our little boy the best life we possibly can. Yes, we will make mistakes, but then everyone does. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. However, this little man will know just how loved he is and how hard I fought to keep him.

Nothing else in the world matters to me but him... and his daddy, of course.