Dear John (on hold)

Be A Light

~ Coming Home ~

The day I get to come home. The day I get to leave this crazy place for a while. The day I get to see my best friend, that I haven't seen in forever, since I had joined the military. To make a better life for myself.

As I was packing up, a few of my men/women, my friends came walking up to me. I was gonna miss them for awhile.

"John, god I'm gonna miss you while your gone." Sara had said.

"Yea, man. Like I can't believe your going through this. After what they done to you." Kyle said.

"I know, but I get to see Jamie. She's my BFF and its been years since I've seen her." I told them as I zipped up my bag.

"Least bag the f**k out of her before you come back to us." Jerry said.

Everyone laughed and of course I shook my head at him. He was always rooting for Jamie and I together. I mean he wasn't the only one either. There were a few girls that was rooting for us but he was always bringing it up.

As our 1st Lt. had came into the bunkers, everyone was laughing while I was packing, until he had called attention.

"Attention, solders!" He ordered.

We all jumped up from what we were doing and went into attention. He walked over towards me and looked me in the eyes. Then brought his band out for me to shake.

"Your plane ride is here, Sgt. Smith." My 1st Lt. said.

"Yes, sir. And thank you." I told him.

"Your welcome, son. Go take care what you got to do and give me a call when your ready to come back." He said then started towards the door. "And son,"

"Yes, sir?"

"Go get that girl." He said then walked out.

Everyone laughed after our 1st Lt. walked out. I just shook my head at them all. I grabbed my duffle bag and either hugged or shooked everyone's hands goodbye. When I walked out of my bunker, a few of my other men and women were standing outside clapping their hands.

"Platoon, present arms!" 1st Lg had called.

The ones that were outside formed a line then raised their arms up and made me feel better than I was already feeling.

As I got on the plane, I turned around and present my arm to them all until the back had closed up. Once it closed, I sat down and buckled up for the flight.

~ 16 hour flight ~

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute just sit right there. In west Philadelphia born and raised on the playground was where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of the school.

As time came on, nothing to do. Father was bad, mother was trying, but me I was making it as good as I could. Once I became of age, I had joined to serve on the service. Mother begged and pleaded with me day after day, but I packed my suit case and me on my way. I put my Walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad. Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Iran living like? Hmmmmm this might be alright. But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois, all that. Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat? I don't think so. I'll see when I get there. I hope they're prepared for the man of Iran.

After so many years, doing what I love best. Something bad has to happen while I was gone. When I found out what it was, I had to go back to see for myself. So I packed my bags and hailed to the airport.

Well, the plane landed and when I came out

There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I ain't trying to get arrested yet, I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared.

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare. But I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, home to Bel Air'. I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo home smell ya later'. I looked at my kingdom and I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the man of Bel Air.

As I was a young one I did move a lot because of my ole' man of a father, getting new jobs, making him have to move place to place. But Bel Air was the place to be. Hell I've met my best friend there and her family that took me in when my own couldn't. As I stood there in the walk way, with my duffle bag in my hand over my shoulders, looking at the house that I have spent days at with a family that wasn't even mine to celebrate holidays and a place to stay when I was in town.

As I took a deep breath, I had walked to the door and knocked. It took a few minutes for someone to answer the door but once they did, I was glad who it was when they opened the door. Speak of the f*****g devil. Jamie.

"AHHHH!" She screamed then jumped onto my arms.

I dropped my bag and caught her just in time to hug her in my arms. We were like that for about 2 minutes when her parents came to the door to see what the yelling was about. When they saw us, well me, Jamie's mother started crying happy tears. When Jamie got down, it was her mothers turn to hug me as well. Then her father came over to put his hand on my shoulder.

"Welcome home, son." He had said.

"Thank you. Its good to be back for awhile." I had said.

Jamie grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house as her father grabbed my bag. We went into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"When I got your letter, I wasn't sure if you were really coming. Like; is he coming? They were mean to him. I mean, yea they were your family but your mother disowned you but,"

"Jamie, it doesn't change a thing. Yes, I came to see but also came home for you guys as well. Y'all are family as well." I had told her.

"Jamie, be a doll and set John's room up for him." Her father has told her.

"Sir, you don't have to do that. I can do it myself."

"Naw, son. I wanna have a few words with you." He had said.

I nodded and Jamie went upstairs to set my room up. As she was left the room and heard her upstairs, her parents looked at me.

"John, we know how much it means to us that your back. Jamie hasn't stopped talking about it. I get your serving to protect our country and all, but since y'all were kids, Jamie has had the highest crush on you." Maggie, Jamie's mother had said.

"Yes, indeed. I see you as my son as well and by you being here, I just hope this doesn't hurt Jamie too much." Joel, Jamie's father has said.

"Maggie Joel, Jamie is my best friend ever and I wouldn't do a damn thing to hurt her. But as myself with feelings, I don't know if they are the same as hers." I said.

"We get it. Just spend your time here while you can go see what y'all can do." Maggie said.

"If I want my daughter to be with a man, it's you. I know in my heart, she would be in the safest arms/place if y'all were together." Joel said. "Least I know, no we know," he said pointing to himself and his wife. "you could provide for her. Care and love her. Give her what she wants and needs."

I nodded at him and was about to say something when Jamie had came back down.

"Rooms done and ready." She had said.

"Thank you, Jamie." I said as I got up and grabbed my bag.

I went up to my room to settle down before going down the street to see my old house. My parents house.

~ Parent's house ~

After a few hours, I had went down, still in my uniform to take a walk down to my house to see what was all done. Jamie said in her letter, it was bad but I wanted to see for myself.

As I started to see the house come into view, I saw part of it was still nice looking. Like it didn't get damaged at all but once I really saw it and got in front of it, I saw how bad the damage was.

I fell down to my knees, felt hurt seeing my somewhat childhood home was partly gone.

As I was like that for who knows how long, I heard a man's voice call out to me but I ignore it. Until that man had came to me, touching me on the shoulder, making me flip him over my shoulders onto his back and at the same time, that man had his gun out, aiming it at me.

"John?!" The man had said as he put his gun away.

I gave him a confused look letting him go on speaking again.

"John, its Kyle. Your mother's younger brother." He has said.

I stood up and helped up as well. I dusted my legs off and fixed myself.

"Kyle? I don't know anyone of that name." I had said.

"Well you were young when the last time we've met. Plus your mother really didn't talk about her family much. After what our father had done to her." He had said.

I nodded at him. "Well excuse me." I had said as I went towards the house to take a good look of everything.

"I figured it was you that was here, when we got the call. I told my boss to let me deal with it." He had said.

I didn't say anything back, I just went inside and saw the walls all black from getting burned. The front room and kitchen was burnt to a crisp like the fire started in one of these two rooms. All the memories were gone in the living room, other than half a picture of me and my father and partly of my mother, she was burnt off. All you could see of her was her hands holding me in the air.

"How did it start?" I had asked as I folded the picture and put it in my pocket.

"They don't know yet. It could have been started from the stove or the fireplace the way it looks in these two rooms. Or it could have been a electrical fire from one of the plugs. The fire Marshall is still looking over all the pictures." Kyle told me.

I nodded then went towards the stairs. The first two steps looks like if I stepped on them I would go through them so I had skipped those steps and went upstairs. I went to my room and looked around. It all still looked the same when I left it. Pictures of Jamie and I playing when we were younger, pictures of us hanging out when we were in our teens and the best picture of all was when I had asked her to prom. I smiled at that picture.

Jamie was always my girl but as friends. But everyone thought we were a thang because we always hung out and it was hard for her to get a boyfriend half the time because of me. The same with me getting a girlfriend but I didn't want a girlfriend at the time. I was more into my schooling making sure I kept my grades up, done my football and basketball stuff.

I went to my closet and found a duffle bag and filled up all the pictures I had in my room and some of my clothes that still fit me. What I wanted I packed and what I didn't I left. Kyle left me alone the whole time I was packing and going around the house. He went downstairs to talk to his boss to let him know it was surly me. His boss was nice enough to let me alone to sorrow to what was left of my life; my parents life and so forth.

By the time I was done with it all, I went downstairs to go outside and saw Jamie in her car parked in the driveway talking to Kyle.

"Hey, I figured you would want me to help to gather some stuff." Jamie had said.

"Naw, I got what I wanted or needed. The rest and go to trash or donation." I said as I put my bag in the back seat.

"I'll take care of all of that. They were my family as well." Kyle told us.

We both nodded as Jamie came over to me. She hugged me and of course I let her. I felt better/safe with her in my arms. Like all my worries were away. For the moment at least.

As we both got to her house well my house now to bring my stuff in and really go through it all. Jamie left me alone for a moment to help her mother make dinner. They were making baked BBQ chicken, mac and cheese, and corn, some good food that I call it.

When the time dinner came, Jamie had came into my room with her and my plate. We talked some while we ate and talked about the old times. Like when we were little when I first moved to Bel Air, I was the shy boy getting beat on but when it came to friends she was there for me. And I was grateful for her.

Like what I said everyone thought we were a thang because that's all we did was hung out all the time. Done things together, like I took her to our prom. I was the captain of the football team and she was the captain of the cheerleading team, we were meant to be, what others would have said but we didn't do what they thought we done. We didn't date each other or date others and that's what others were mad about too.

By the time I saw it was getting late it was 1am in the morning and we were still chilling and talking to where she was falling asleep on my bed while I was still going through s**t. I just left her alone as I put things away so that they wasn't in the way.

~Day of the funeral~

As I was dressed in my class A's, I had Jamie next to me, all in black, with a few black and red roses in her hands. Her parents behind us, and some of my mothers family was already sitting down in the front left when I got to the front where my parents were laying at. A few of my Father's family and friends were there. I didn't say a word to any of them when I had sat down.

Jamie laid the flowers on their casket and came back over to me. I held her hand for support, to help calm me down.

"As of today, thank you all so much for showing up for Mr. and Mrs. Smith." The preacher said. "As of those knew of them, they were kind and gentle til the end some would say. Mr. Smith was getting ill and was having some trouble there but Mrs. Smith was a trooper there and stuck by him.

I remember the other day, she had came to me and asked for guidance from the lord. As one of the lords children, I gave her what she needed and hoped for the best. Now may y'all lower your heads for a moment of silence before we pray."

I lowered my head and thought of things that I remembered from my parents. But it was to hard for me to even remember those good times.

"Thank y'all, you may raise your head." He said. As he walked forward he looked at me for a moment then came over to me. "Young child, may I say this in front of you for your parents." He asked me.

I nodded my head yes and he began.

"In your hands, O Lord,

we humbly entrust our brothers and sisters.

In this life you embraced them with your tender love;

deliver them now from every evil

and bid them eternal rest.

The old order has passed away:

welcome them into paradise,

where there will be no sorrow, no weeping or pain,

but fullness of peace and joy

with your Son and the Holy Spirit

forever and ever.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Almighty Father, source of forgiveness and salvation, grant that our relatives and friends who have passed from this life may, through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and of all the saints, come to share your Eternal happiness through Christ our Lord.

Lord Jesus, our Redeemer, You willingly gave Yourself up to death so that all people might be saved and pass from death into a new life. Listen to our prayers; look with love on Your people who mourn and pray for their dead brother/sister.

Lord Jesus, You alone are holy and compassionate; forgive our brother/sister his/her sins.

By dying You opened the gates of life for those who believe in You; do not let Your brother/sister be parted from You, but by Your glorious power give him/her light, joy, and peace in heaven where You live for ever and ever.

My brother (sister) in faith, I entrust you to God Who created you.

May you return to the One Who formed you from the dust of this earth.

May Mary, the angels, and all the saints come to meet you as you go forth from this life.

May Christ Who was crucified for you bring you freedom and peace.

May Christ, the Son of God, Who died for you take you into His kingdom.

May Christ, the Good Shepherd, give you a place within His flock.

May He forgive your sins and keep you among His people.

May you see your Redeemer face to face and enjoy the sight of God forever.

O God, Who has commanded us

to honor our father and mother,

have compassion in Thy mercy,

on the souls of thy father and mother;

forgive them their sins,

and grant that their child may see them

in the joy of eternal brightness.

Through Christ our Lord.

Amen." The preacher prayed and touched my shoulders then walked away.

I closed my eyes to keep myself crying which wasn't helping much. I sniff a little and I felt Jamie squeeze my hand for comfort. I squeezed back to let her know; "thank you". I took a deep breathe and listened to what everyone had said about my parents but only half of it was true.

Only if they only knew what really happened behind closed doors. How my parents beat me when I was younger. How my mother disowned me when I went to join the military to help pay for my Father's bills. Just to help my mother out for everything. But after those words I had enough of her. I had enough of everything. I stood up and was about to leave when the preacher said my name.

"Sgt. Smith, would you like to say a few words about your parents." He asked me.

I turned to look at him then to Jamie. She shook her head to tell me to do it. I took a breath then walked over to where the preacher was.

"I don't have much to say about my parents. Most of it was all bad for me. But when it was good, we were happy." I said then looked over to my Father's side of the family. "When I was younger and he was healthy, before the disease took over his body, he use to take me to all the games that were playing." I took a deep breath before I began again. "Out of both of my parents, my father was the best. Least he cared for me than my own mother did. Yes, he beat me when I was a young boy but not as much as my mother did. But once the disease took over his body, it got a lot worse. He wasn't my father anymore. He was just a worthless man that couldn't do a damn thing. I couldn't even have my first beer with him. That's how sad it was." I said as I looked up to the ceiling and started to cry.

I felt someone come over to me and rubbed my arm. I looked down and it was Jamie, she also had tears in her eyes.

"He couldn't even see me become what he wanted me to become when I was in high school. I had joined all the sport teams, mostly football and basketball. He couldn't even see my homecoming game where I won the last minute touch down as a quarterback. Or even see where I took my best friend to prom and how beautiful she was to me." I said as I looked at Jamie. "My own mother wasn't even happy for me for anything I did. The smallest thing I did that would piss off my mother she took it out on me. If it was over my father, or whatever, I got.. I got beaten."

I took another deep breath to control my breathing. Before I kept going with what I had to say, I looked over at my uncle that was on my mother's side that was a cop. He was also dressed on blues.

"When I had graduated from high school, neither of my parents were there. I mean I know why my father couldn't but my mother no. She wasn't happy that I left to join the military. She had gave me two choices. 1.) Stay there and help take care of my father with her or 2.) If I left to join the military, that I was nothing to her anymore. But what she don't know if was for him not for her." I said then walked over to Jamie's parents and stood in front of them. "Only parents I've ever had was these two people right here. They took me in when I came home from being over seas, for the holidays." I said to them then present my arms to them for respect. I started to make Jamie's mother tear up. "You guys may have been family and friends to my parents, but y'all didn't know what went behind close doors. Other than a few knew. But I ain't here to tell you to feel bad for me for what had happened. Just fell bad for them. All I got to say is R.I.P. mother and father. Thank you for what y'all have done for me and made me who I am today."

After I said that, I had walked out the church and went to my truck. I sat inside to cry to myself. But Jamie came out and got inside the passenger side and held my hand.

She was clearly the best best friend I could ever ask for. And I was glad to have met her all those years ago when I moved here.