His biggest regret

Chapter 3

Starting my life over hasn’t been easy. I thought it would be easier, but of course, when I thought that, cancer was not on my mind. This has definitely changed a lot of things for me. It has changed me, who I am, but it has also changed my view on things. And even if it hasn’t been attentional, cancer has changed things between Stella and I. Cancer changes things, that’s just the way it is. It hasnät changed our friendship, but it has changed the way we look at each other. I can tell that Stella thinks I’m going to die, and I also think that I am going to die. I mean how can that not change things? Of course, it changes things. It would be odd if things don’t change when you find out that you are dying or if a friend finds out. Walking around and pretending to be okay when you're not is not a good thing. Besides, I can’t pretend to not be sick since the nausea is literally flooring me. I am on my knees constantly, trying to reach a bucket or the bathroom. I am feeling weaker and weaker each day that goes by. Pretending to be okay would be to go into complete denial, and that wouldn’t make the situation better for me at all. I’m not a person to dwell in denial, it’s better to take the problem head-on and deal with what is.

I have been thinking a lot about Leo recently though, He has been popping into my mind, my thoughts, and my dreams ever since I found out that I’m sick. I don’t know why, but I keep seeing his face. Yesterday on my way from work I could almost swear that I saw him across the road. But as I blinked he was gone. It was probably just an illusion of some sort, my brain playing tricks on me and stuff but it was scary for a while, and for a split second I felt a warm feeling in my heart. But then I remembered what he had done, and I once again felt betrayed and sad. Why would he cheat on me? If he hadnät, would we be together now or would he have left me if he knew I have cancer? When I was with him I had cancer, but I didn’t know about it yet, how would he have reacted to that news? There are a lot of unanswered questions that probably will stay unanswered forever. I don’t think I will meet Leo again, I don’t think he knows where I am, or even if he cares where I am. I would be lying if I said that I don’t care about him anymore, obviously, I do, otherwise, I couldn’t be thinking of him as much as I do, and I wouldn’t be dreaming about him. I care for him deeply still and that makes me angry. Why do I still care for someone who hurt me so badly? I may have rushed things. As soon as Stella told me about what he had done, I just never talked or saw him again. I never questioned him, never gave him the benefit of the doubt. I never did that because it felt like I didn’t have to, I hate cheaters. And the information came from his best friend to mine who told me. So it wasn’t an unreliable source. He did cheat, the one thing I never asked him though was, why? Why did he do it? I think that’s the question that haunts me the most actually. The part I don’t understand at all. He said that he loved me, and he acted as though he loved me. Maybe it was all an act. Leo. I miss him. I do. But I really wish I could stop thinking about him all the time, wish I could stop dreaming about him. I haven’t told Stella about this. Maybe she would understand, but I certainly don’t understand. Maybe I never got the closure I needed. I didn’t think I needed closure but maybe everyone does to move on.

“Stella are you in contact with Bobby still?” I ask her while in the kitchen. Stella seems surprised by the question but nods. I expected her to be so I am not shocked. She could easily have told Bobby that we live here now and he could’ve told Leo. In such a case maybe I actually did see him yesterday, and not an illusion of him. I don’t know. “Why?” Stella asks.

“No reason really”, I take a bite out of my sandwich. I wonder how long I will be able to keep this down before it’s coming g back up again.

I have vowed to myself to try to live life as normal as possible, that’s why I’m still working. I’m working at a publishing company as an editor's assistant. I have told him everything about my cancer, the only one but Stella, but that’s because he had to know since I’m throwing up a lot. I asked him to keep me on as long as I do a good job. If I for some reason, the reason being my sickness, can not provide him with good work, he can fire me or let me go, whatever he wants to call me. Because if I don’t do a good job I don’t want to be here and waste my time. But as long as I do a good job, I don’t feel like it’s wasting f mg time. But as long as I do a good job, I don’t feel like it’s wasting my time. If I do a good job, I feel like I am doing something useful instead of sitting at home, doing nothing, and waiting for death. It doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I want to help books out into the world. At least help Victor can the books out. Victor Wild is my boss and he wants me to call him Victor instead of Mr. Wild, told me that he’s not very formal or anything like that. He is a good man. He feels sorry for me though, I can tell. And I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. That would change a lot of things, but if it’s just Victor I don’t see it as a problem. As my boss, we are working very close so he would’ve found out eventually anyway and now he is letting me have a bucket to throw up into so I don’t have to go for the trash can. The bucket I empty and clean in the big bathroom.

“Are you sure?” “Well, I thought I saw Leo yesterday on my way from work. “But that can’t have been right?”

“I could be him, Body told me three days ago that they were heading here. “What why?” I don’t want him to see me like this.

“Leo really wants to talk to you, and Bobby just keeps telling me how I am to e life of his life and things like that”, Stella informs me.

Stella chose me before Bobby, that’s how I know how good of a person she is, she chose me instead of the man she’s in love with. I don’t know if I can or want to see Leo. But I have to admit that I am curious to do exactly that.