His biggest regret

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I feel different. A lot different. Walking around the same streets I used to walk before I got the news that I am sick. The excitement and hope I felt before are gone completely. The hope of starting a new life and becoming a new person. I felt that when I moved here when I started walking these streets, now I don’t feel that way anymore. 

All the people around me. Are they happy? Are they carrying secrets? Are they sick or healthy? Sometimes you can’t even see if a person is sick, sometimes you don’t know. No one could tell that I’m sick right now. But as the sickness progresses it will be more and more visible. When I start to feel the symptoms of the sickness, people will be able to tell that I’m sick. I don’t want people to see that I’m sick. I don’t want to seem weak, I don’t want to seem vulnerable.  

It feels like my life is over, like the end of the world is near. The end of my world is indeed near so I’m not completely wrong. I feel like I deserved something better than cancer when I started my life over. Why do I have to be sick?

I know that I have to tell Stella about all of this. She will know that something is up and she won’t stop until I tell her. The best thing to do is to just tell her, quick, easy and painful. The hardest part is going to be having to look her into her eyes and tell her. See the light in her eyes go out, see the tears well up, see her starting to question everything.

Putting the key in the front door of our apartment has never been harder than right now. If I’m lucky Stella is still at work, if I’m unlucky she will run up to me and ask me about the doctors' appointment the second I step through the doorway. 

When I close and lock the door, stell comes running towards me. s**t.

“How’d it go?” She asks as I take my shoes and jacket off.

I shrug my shoulders.

“Fine”, I say. “I can taste the bitterness of my lie on my tongue. I’ve always been a good liar, but right now even I can hear the lie. I don’t even believe it myself. 

“What happened?” Stella asks. 

I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch. I put the pharmacy bag onto the coffee table. I don’t want to tell her, but the thing with Stella is that she cares too much and that makes her want to know everything so she can make everything better again. This is the one thing she won’t be able to make better. 

“Well”, I say and take a deep breath. “There’s a reason I’ve been having colds and is tired all the time, apparently being tired can be caused by illnesses as a symptom”.

“So what do mean?”

“That I’m probably going to die”, I say.

Stella looks at me funny like I’m trying to mock her or just get a reaction from her or something. She definitely doesn’t believe me right now. Poor Stella. She is too good for this.

“Seriously, what did the doctor say?” She asks.

“That I have ALL, acute lymphoblastic leukemia”, I say. “A rare type of leukemia, cancer, I have cancer, Stella”.

And there it is. She knows that I am not lying right now, she can hear that in my voice, see it in my face, my eyes, my shaking lips, my pale skin. The second she realizes that I am not lying, her eyes flow over with tears, streaming down her innocent face. Her eyes completely lose faith. I can almost even hear her heart break. This is too devastating for me to watch, I have to look away. But it doesn’t matter, I’m already crying myself. I did so well, I didn’t cry when I got the news, but as soon as I see Stella and give her the news, I become a crybaby. She is my very best friend in the whole world, if there is anyone who can make me feel all emotions in the world at the same time it’s her. She has stood by me through thick and thin, through fire and ice. She has never let me down or disappointed me in any way. She has always respected me and my decisions. And when I told her I wanted to move to New York and start my life over, she didn’t even wait an hour to pack her own bag. Stella is amazing in every way possible. Right now it feels like I’m causing her pain, and I don’t want that, even if I can’t help it, even if it’s not my fault, it feels like it’s my fault. 

“Stella stop it”, I whisper through my tears, they are almost choking my voice.

“Cancer?” She asks, her voice sounding different in some way. Broken.

“Yeah, cancer”, I say. “I’m supposed to start the induction treatment right now, there’s no time lose right?”

“Induction?” 

“Yeah, the first part of the treatment, it’s the most intensive part as well, it lasts for about a month, after that I will start part two which is the consolidation and is also intensive and lasts for a few months”, I say as I open the plastic bag. I take out my medication. “These phases is where I am going to feel most of the symptoms, nausea, and vomiting for sure, maybe diarrhea or constipation, loss of appetite, and um, hair loss”.

“Is there another step?” Stella asks, looking at the medication bottles. 

“Yeah step three is maintenance, also called post-consolidation, and that lasts for about two years”, I say. 

“And then you’re healthy again?” She asks, she has these puppy eyes, innocent eyes.

I  want so badly to tell her yes. I want so badly to tell her that after the two years in phase three I will be healthy and I will be able to continue life as if nothing ever happened. But I know that this treatment may not even work, that I may have to try other treatments, and that I most likely won't even survive no matter the treatments. 

“Um, I meant that is the goal”, But um, Stella I…”

“What?”

“Acute lymphoblastic leukemia is rare, like, very rare, especially to adults, the doctor said that out of 10 people who gets ALL, only 4 are adults, the rest are children”, I say. “And out of these 4 adults, only 1 survives, statistically”.

“No no no”, Stella says. “Why would you get one of the rarest types of cancer?” 

“Believe me, I’ve been asking myself this for the past hour”, I sigh. “I just, bef0ore these two years are over, I will probably be very, very sick or already… well, dead”.

“No!” Stella says and stands up. “No, I’m afraid that I can’t allow that to happen, you are my best friend, what am I going to do if you die? What am I supposed to do with my life if you're not in it?”

Stella is pacing around hectically. She is starting to panic. Oh no, I know this would happen. Stella is too good for this world and all the problems in it, too innocent. I may be the one who is sick, but this will completely destroy Stella. Destroy who she s and how she sees the world. I don’t want that to happen. When I die I want her to still be her, I don’t want her to change who she is.                                                                               

This sucks, this really sucks bad. This is why I didn’t want to tell Stella about all this. But we live together so it would’ve been hard to keep this from her, too hard. I mean I’m going to be affected by the medication, and if I’d lost the hair without telling her I would’ve had to come up with a great big lie as to why I have no hair. No, better to put the cards on the table and be straight with everything.  She would never have forgiven me if I’d kept this from her. I don’t want to be that person who keeps things from her best friend. Especially a friend like Stella. 

“Stella”, I say. “I don’t know, but please, calm down”.

“I can’t calm down are you kidding me?” Stella almost screams. “You just told me that your odds of surviving are very slim, how are you being so calm?”

“Because it is what it is Stella?” I say. “Sure I could break down and cry my eyes out until I'm dehydrated, or I can deal with it and fight and at least try to become healthy again, no matter the odds”.

“So you want to fight this even though you know that”m Stella starts and sits down but I cut her off. 

“Even though I know that I will probably die anyway?” Stella nods. “Have I even given up without a fight? Well besides the whole Leo thing”.

“Not really”, Stella says. “But you’re going to be in a lot of pain, it’s going to be so hard to watch”.

“You don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to”, I say. 

“What?” 

“You could always move back home”, I say. 

“This is my home now, our home”, she says. “And don’t think for a second that I will leave you all alone to deal with this, I will be here to hold your hair when you throw up, give you ice chips when you feel nauseous, give you pain meds, and hold you when you break down”.

“When I break down?”

Stella takes my hand. “You may not know when, but someday all of this will catch up with you and you will break down”.

Stella might be right about this. I may not break down now, tomorrow or next week, or even next month. But The realization of my near-death is going to get to me sooner or later. It’s scary not to know when, what if I’m outside around people? Oh god, I don’t even want to think about this, but I have to prepare myself, that’s for sure.

“I know, but if I don’t I will be okay with that, I will be okay with breaking down as well, once, not more”, I say. 

“You kind of have to be okay with it”, Stella says. “Scarlett, I am so, so sorry about this, it shouldn’t have happened to you”.

“Cancer shouldn’t happen to anyone”, I say. “Accept maybe murderers, pedophiles, and such people, horrible and awful people”.

Stella giggles. “That’s true”, she says. “But you don’t deserve this, I will do whatever it takes to make this easier on you, that’s a promise!”

“You don’t have to make a promise like that, it’s not your responsibility”, I say.

“I’m making it my responsibility”, Stella insists. 

Everyone should have a Stella in their life, everyone needs a Stella in their life. I’m so happy I have Stella in my life.

What would I do without her?