Finding Alexia

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Tony stared at him open-mouthed. Suspended? Why? TJ had never done a thing wrong in his life. He was Lancelot for Christ sake. He never broke the rules. Being a firefighter was the most important thing in the world to him. He would never jeopardize his career. “When?”

“About a week ago. We got called in for a fire. Apartment building. I did my sweeps like normal, and we put the fire out. We gave the all clear and got out. The whole building was unstable. We couldn’t control the fire. Out of nowhere, an entire floor exploded. We ran back up there and found a lady and her kid dead. I got blamed because it was a floor I checked and said was secure.” TJ lowered his hands from his head. “So stupid,” he growled.

Tony could feel his friend’s pain. He felt that pain too. Wondering if you had missed something. Something that could have been the difference between life and death.

“You did everything you were supposed to.” TJ was a stickler for the rules same as him.

“Sometimes we just get a crappy deal, and you can’t change the outcome no matter what we do.”

TJ turned his grey eyes on him. They were misty, but TJ refused to shed a tear. “Is that what you do? Tell yourself you did your best and it keeps the demons at bay?”

Tony took an instinctive step back. “What are you talking about?” How could TJ know? He hadn’t told anyone but his CO and the base doctor.

TJ gave him a look like you’re kidding right? “You don’t think I know the signs, Tony? We’ve been friends too long for me not to notice the change in you. I also had two siblings in the military. I know PTSD when I see it.”

Tony closed his eyes and hung his head in shame. He should have known there was no pulling the wool over his eyes. “How long have you known?”

“I suspected when you called me out of the blue to suggest the camping trip.”

Tony’s head shot up. “We do this camping trip every year.”

“But not unless we’re all together. When you pushed for us to go, I knew something was wrong. We normally plan it out a little better. On the drive up here, I could see the change in you.” TJ was right. This was a camping trip they always did together. No exceptions. His therapist had stated that it would help, so he pushed for them to get together.

Tony thought he had hidden his PTSD better. He should have known. “I have it under control.” Tony played off.

TJ rolled his eyes. “Bullshit.”

“Seriously. I’m seeing the base doctor, and I’m all good.” Tony put on his best poker face, he should have known TJ would see right through it. Those closest to him knew his tell-tale signs when he lied. He put his hands in his pockets.

TJ shook his head at him. “If you can’t even admit it to yourself you have bigger problems.”

“There’s nothing to admit,” Tony defended, his voice rising. He never got angry. He suddenly felt the urge to lash out. To smash something. This wasn’t him. Not him at all.

“And when you almost attacked Dale yesterday?” TJ pushed, not realizing the danger he was putting himself in. Or if he did, he didn’t care about his health.

“He snuck up on me. Any person would have responded the same.” Nobody liked someone sneaking up on them. It was a legitimate excuse.

“Uh huh.” TJ wasn’t buying it. “You know what I think?”

“That this conversation is over. Agreed.” Tony turned to walk away, but TJ reached out and grabbed his arm holding him in place.

“I think you’re having flashbacks and you came up here to get your head on straight. You asked us to go with you because we’re your friends and we look out for each other.”

“Just let it go,” Please. He thought he could do this. Talk to his non-military friends and everything would be alright. But he had been wrong. He was afraid he would say something he wasn’t supposed to. Or reveal a side of himself no one knew existed and his friends would never look at him the same.

He couldn’t deal with this heavy of a conversation this early in the morning. He had gone for a run to forget not have TJ dredge it all up.

“Not happening.” TJ was taking no pity on him.

Tony felt the control he had on his emotions breaking. A sudden urge to tell him. Tell him everything. Tell him about the flashbacks, not sleeping, and lashing out. He was so tired of keeping things in, but he couldn’t. There were things about himself TJ could never know.

“You have to tell somebody. It’s just going to eat you up every day until it consumes you.” Didn’t TJ think he already knew that?

“If you can’t tell your best friend,” TJ pressed on, “then who the hell can you tell?”

TJ was reaching out to him. Trying to help him. TJ had seen first-hand what happened to those with PTSD that couldn’t get help. One of his siblings had attempted suicide. The other lost a limb and became a recluse. It was not a future Tony wanted. He wanted to get better. He wanted to get back to the job he loved. Could he trust his friends?

There was a reason he had pushed for this camping trip. It was obvious he hadn’t hidden his problems well. If TJ noticed Dale probably did too. He was a detective. Mysteries were what he lived for. He was just too nice of a guy to say anything to his friend. Yet. Dale was a firm believer that everything had a time and place. Talking to the base therapist wasn’t helping. Maybe his friends could.

Tony opened his mouth to reply when he heard a twig snap to his right. He spun towards the sound looking for the source. He relaxed when he saw the person walking down from the trail they had stopped in front of. They were in an overly large jacket concealing most of their person, but Tony recognized her.

“Sabrina,” TJ said her name in shock.

The woman in question stopped in her tracks as if just realizing she wasn’t alone anymore. She looked first at Tony then at TJ. When her eyes landed on TJ, they looked wide-eyed and panicked. “Hi, TJ.” Her voice was soft. Angelic.

She had a high forehead with her hair tied back in a messy bun. Her lips were full, with flawless white skin. A little too pale as if she didn’t get outdoors very much. All in all, she was attractive. He could see why TJ was smitten with her, even if he was currently upset with her. TJ would have to tread carefully with this one. As beautiful as she was he could see shadows in her eyes. Secrets. She had been through much in her life. “Hi, Tony,” she said quietly. Her tone changed saying his name. She was affected by TJ.

“What are you doing up so early? I thought Tony and I were the only ones awake.” TJ asked her concerned. Despite his anger, TJ still cared about her safety.

“I would still be asleep, but I heard someone chopping wood this morning, and it woke me up.” She gave him a pointed look, knowing it was him but wasn’t going to outright accuse him.

Tony gave TJ an ‘I told you so look.’ “I know what you mean. Woke me up as well.”

TJ ignored him. “You shouldn’t be out here alone. There are all kinds of dangers.” TJ warned her, his concern for her was evident.

Sabrina’s eyes widened in panic, and she started looking around. “I thought camping spots were safe?” She pulled her jacket closer to her as if it would ward off danger.

“I think TJ was referring to animals,” Tony interjected, appeasing her fears. TJ was normally the Casanova with women but was being a bumbling i***t with Sabrina. It was fun to watch. “There are animals up here that are not considered friendly. It’s always a good idea to walk the trails with someone. Just in case something was to happen.” The last thing the woman needed was thinking men were going to jump out of the trees and attack her. She was already running from something. There was no reason to make her more skittish.

Sabrina eased her death grip on her jacket. “Oh, thank you for the warning.” An awkward silence fell between them. “TJ, I want to apologize to you for yesterday.” She tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear. “You’re a really nice guy.”

“Stop,” TJ snapped. “I’ve done the sendoff speech. I’ve memorized it. So, I’m just going to stop you right there.” Sabrina must have realized she really hurt his feelings because she stopped when he turned and walked away. She looked at Tony for guidance, but he just shrugged. TJ was not acting his normal self at all lately, so he was just as stumped about what to do with him as she was.