Let's Pretend We're Fine
2245 Words
Hunter lets me take the window seat. At least that’s what I tell myself, because he just follows in the row behind me and doesn’t ask to change seats with me. Very well. I’ll keep my eyes closed the entire way, so it doesn’t really matter.
I wait for the instructions from the flight attendant, you know the safety measures they always give before taking off, then feel my stomach twist into knots as we soar into the sky. It’s always an unpleasant feeling, no matter how many times I’ve already sat on a plane.
I have to force myself to breathe and just stare forward, pretending like I’m not bothered. I can’t see anything outside apart from the lights of New York, which are slowly fading away. It’s okay, though, at least I’ll be able to fall asleep.
As we reach a steady height, the pilot finally straightens the plane and I let myself get a little more comfortable. I don’t say a word to Hunter, because I know he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m not sure what I’ll say to my family, if that doesn’t change on the flight.
So, I lean my head against the window, placing my jacket underneath my head, so I feel a little more comfortable. Then, I close my eyes, trying hard to doze off. I can’t. I don’t shift or turn, because I know it won’t make it any better.
I can hear everything that’s going on around me. Most people are asleep, but the ones that are talking, are turning their voices into an annoying whisper. I can hear faint snoring coming from all sides, and it’s bothering me way more than I thought it would.
I’m not sure how long this lasts, but in one moment, I feel like I’m finally sleeping, then in the next, I’m back in my conscious state, hearing every single sound around me. Crap, when is this going to stop? Have three hours already passes or has it only been three minutes?
I still keep my eyes shut, because it’s easier this way. Having them open would only mean I’d see every movement that Hunter would make with the side of my eye. I’m not sure if I could handle it for the entire flight. I’d probably start nagging him, the way I am. He doesn’t want that, I know he doesn’t.
I’m frustrated that I’m letting my thoughts wander to him again. I thought I talked myself out of pushing him. I know him well enough to realize that doesn’t mean any kind of success. And I also know that he won’t talk until he wants to. That’s how stubborn he is.
I have to shift a little, because my neck is starting to hurt. I probably have a pained expression covering my face, but I don’t see myself, do I? However, my neighbor does. And I stiffen as I hear him say: “Perrie? Are you awake?”
Oh my God, oh my God, what do I do? Do I pretend to be asleep? No, you can’t do that, stupid, you’ve just moved your ass and you literally froze when you hear him say your name! Just look at him! Ugh, sometimes I’m truly wondering how I’m able to live with myself.
I slowly let my eyes flutter open, letting them get adjusted to the dim lightning of the plane. It’s a night flight, after all. They’re letting us sleep. “Yeah,” I mumble in response, then pretend to yawn, just to come up with an excuse not to talk. I wonder what this is about.
“Can we make a deal?” he asks, quickly making my mouth close itself up. Huh. A deal? What kind of a deal does he want to make with me now? Is it something about our relationship? My family, maybe?
“Um … What kind of a deal are you talking about?” I wonder, keeping my voice down. Firstly, I don’t want to wake other people up and secondly, the ones that are awake don’t need to hear what our conversation is about.
He leans a little closer, making my breath hitch inside my throat. I’m nervous, like we’re about to have our very first kiss. And at the memory of that moment, my gut twists into further knots, because images start flashing inside my head. Aiden’s room. Hunter’s birthday.
I can’t believe I was such a hypocrite at the time, angry at my brother because he didn’t spend the day with his best friend on his birthday. At least Aiden had an excuse, he was blinded by Cassie the witch. What excuse do I have?
“We should pretend that everything’s fine in front of your parents,” he then says, making my walk down the memory lane dissolve into nothingness. I blink in surprise. Totally not what I was expecting from him right now.
I nod in agreement, quickly turning my head away and resting it on my jacket again. “Yeah, sure,” I tell him, trying to keep my tone causal, but even I can’t miss the harshness inside it. Which means he notices it too.
“Good,” he simply says in response and doesn’t bother me for the rest of the flight. I have so much trouble with keeping my eyes closed, that it’s maddening. His words keep ringing inside my head. Pretend? When did we get to this point? Having to pretend that we’re fine in front of other people? So no one notices our relationship is failing?
I’m mad at myself, for letting it get this far. I’m mad at him, because he refuses to talk to me at all. What’s even worse is, I actually agreed to this pretending game. I mean, I should be saying that there’s no way I’ll pretend in front of my parents, but the truth is, I’m embarrassed.
My relationship with him is hanging on a thin line and we’re supposed to be endgame. I knew it from the start. How could I have been so wrong? I didn’t think I’d change so much. I didn’t think I’d go through some stuff that I went through … It made me a different person, as much as I hate to admit it.
As we finally start landing, I feel like I’m about to throw up. I’m feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach. I really don’t want to step into this game. I’m not ready to pretend that we’re in love. Because we are. Aren’t we? Why are we supposed to be pretending?
The question lingers inside my head as we hit the ground, making me let out a shaky breath. He doesn’t hear it, because it’s too noisy, but I’m sure he wouldn’t care even if he did see. It’s okay, Perrie. You’ve gotten really good at pretending lately. Who says you can play this game in front of your family?
As we’re leaving the plane, I walk in front of him again and he trails behind me. I don’t even look to see if he’s nearby, because I’m too mad. I didn’t want my life to turn into this. I thought this would be the best four years that I’m going to live through. And now they’re turning into the worst!
Suddenly, he catches up with me as we’re nearing the exit. He grabs my hand and I pull it away. He sighs. “They’re not going to buy this, if we’re not even holding hands,” he lets me know. I look at him angrily.
“Really? So you can now talk to me, try to hold my hand and even walk beside me, for the sake of keeping up appearances? But you couldn’t even look at me since yesterday?” I burst out, unable to control my emotions. They’re wavering dangerously, which is noticeable in my voice, probably my eyes as well and even in the way I’m breathing.
He stares at me in silence for a few moments, then shrugs. “Fine. You can explain it to them yourself,” he simply says, making me feel like he just slapped me. I turn away, deciding that I might really do that. Because I’m not going to endure this.
I know I’ve done some bad things and I feel really sorry for them, but it’s not like I cheated on him! Or called him names, or told him to go to hell! I’ve been absent, yes, and I’ve given Cassie complete control over my life again, because I didn’t close myself up in a bubble, like my therapist used to say. But this? I don’t think I deserve such harsh treatment.
“Look, we can talk, but I’m not ready for it. Just … Bear with me, will you?” he suddenly adds, a hint of panic evident in his voice. Yeah, we’re getting really close to seeing my parents now. “Perrie, please-”
I cut him off by sliding my hand into his, just a moment before I notice my mom and dad somewhere in the crowd. I smile and wave at them, unable to say anything else to Hunter. We walk towards them hand in hand, and I hate the way it makes my gut spin like it’s on a rollercoaster.
They are both grinning happily as we come closer, and we both hug them in greeting. My mom is gushing over how gorgeous we are and how she can’t wait until grandma sees us. I smile, and it’s a genuine smile once for change. I can’t wait to see grandma, too. She’s been holding up quite well since her stroke, but I still worry about her.
As we sit into the car, I can’t help but stare through the window. My dad asks me something and Hunter has to nudge me in order to pull my back into reality. “Huh?” I say in response, then answer my dad’s question after he repeats it.
I then turn my head back towards the window, noticing how my mom turns her head towards me. I can see it with the side of my eye. Crap, Perrie, you’re being too obvious. Before I’m able to decide what to do to make her suspicions disappear, she already speaks up.
“Are you feeling okay?” she wonders, making me turn my head towards her, nodding. I notice the way she has her gaze pinned on me, like she’s scanning my every movement. What is she trying to accomplish here?
“Yeah, just tired,” I mumble back, before leaning my head on the car door. She doesn’t say anything else to me, but she does turn to Hunter instead. And what she asks him, makes me freeze.
“What have you been doing with her, that she’s so tired all the time?” she wonders in a joking way. I look up, staring at her in horror and not daring to look at my boyfriend at all. I’m afraid we’ll give away everything, if we simply share a gaze.
“Oh, nothing. She’s just working all the time,” Hunter says in response, making me let out a soft sigh and once again turn my head away from him. Yeah. That’s my crime. Sue me. I’m a bad girlfriend, because I’m trying to earn enough money so that we can live together comfortably.
My mom just lets out an awkward chuckle in response, deciding not to pressure him furthermore. I’m not sure what I’d say to that either. Or what to think, really. I hope I’ll be able to close my eyes tonight at all.
As we get home, our parents let us take the bathroom first. Which means we’re basically forced to go in there together. For the sake of appearances, you know. But even if we go there together, we don’t take a joined shower. As he starts undressing I turn away from him and start brushing my teeth.
We spend the whole time in complete silence. My heart races every time I sneak a glance at him, when he’s turned towards me with his muscular back. I can’t help but drool over him and at the same time, I’m aching like he’s something I can’t have. When really, I already have him.
As we change places, I walk past him, accidentally brushing my skin against his. I hesitate for a moment, looking up at him, but he doesn’t return my gaze. So, I swallow my pride and ignore my feelings, stepping inside the shower and turning the water on. I let it wash away my worries, or at least that’s what I’m imagining it does.
I don’t turn around to look at him for a single moment. And by the time I’m finished, I realize I’m already alone in the bathroom. I swallow the tears and get ready for bed. Another night of sleeping on the edge of the mattress. For both of us.
He’s already asleep as I get to my room. Or he at least appears to be. I call his name, but there’s no response. Maybe he’s pretending. I wouldn’t be surprised. I lie down in bed and cover myself up. Feels strange to sleep in my old room again. I’ve gotten so used to our studio. Does he think it’s strange to be back, too? Does he …? Does he …
- Writer
