Dear Diary, I'm Finding Myself

The Worst Girlfriend In The World

Dear Diary,

I’m not sure why I’m bothering to write in here anymore. I’m finding a new way of … coping. I’m working on this theory that whatever you refuse to let inside your mind, doesn’t bother you. So far, it’s working quite well.

No one knows what happened to me and it’s for the best. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t even want to think about it. Hunter isn’t pleased that I’m shoving everything away like that, but he doesn’t understand. He can’t. I’m not sure if he ever will.

I didn’t try to talk this out with anyone and I’m not going to. No matter how hard my boyfriend is trying to make me talk to a therapist or at least call an anonymous line, if I won’t talk to him, I don’t. I can’t. He doesn’t get it. If I let this in, if I accept that it actually happened, it’s going to be even worse.

So, this is what I’m doing now. Pretending it never happened. We never even went to New Haven on Halloween. We stayed at home and watched a horror movie together, even if I’m not a fan of those. But a movie is less traumatizing than the reality. I learned it the hard way.

My life goes on. It has to. I force myself to get out, because I can’t stay in that studio, locked up and afraid of everything that makes a sound. That’s not who I am. That’s not how I react to life. When grandpa died, I hid away. And it worked quite well.

I’m not going to comment on how I coped with his loss later, but this is different. I didn’t lose a person. I almost lost something else, but I didn’t. Everything worked out, I’m fine and I’m unharmed. No one can hurt me. Ever again. Because I won’t let them.

As a precaution, I start carrying pepper spray in my bag. I keep it within reach, so in case anyone ever tries anything with me again, they’re in for a nasty surprise. I’m going to come out of this stronger. That’s the decision I made.

But I end up having sleepless nights. Horrible dreams. And that’s when I start focusing on everything else but my feelings. I erase them from my mind, from my very soul. I don’t even show as much affection to Hunter as I did before.

I’m excluding my emotions from everything. I’m simply a robot, doing its tasks and it’s what finally makes me reprogram my life again. I get good grades at college. I make amazing projects. I even start thriving at my internship, because I’m not afraid of speaking anymore.

I voice my ideas, keeping my emotions out of my work and much to my surprise, I am heard. They start letting me help with actual journalistic work, not just making me bring coffee for everyone. I mean, let’s just pretend for a moment that Starbucks is actual coffee. Because it’s really more of a dessert than anything else.

Anyway, two weeks into November, I find myself promoted to a set assistant. Which luckily hands me the ability to quit my extra job at the café, because I get a raise. But it also means that I have to spend much more time at Fox all of a sudden. So, basically, it’s the same as before. I’m barely at home.

I promise Hunter that I’ll try to make things work for his birthday, because I’m supposed to be helping with an interview. We’re actualizing one of my ideas, in fact. I said we should bring readers closer to understanding the rapid weather changes by bringing in a cloud specialist. Yeah, that kind of thing actually exists.

So, I get him a present on my way to Fox, that watch that he’s been eyeing for a couple of months now. I can afford it, because I’m getting paid double and I’m working more as well. I hope he won’t turn the gift into a lecture about saving money. I just want him to be happy and have something nice for himself.

However, as I get to Fox and realize that the man rescheduled the interview, I literally feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I still have to stay there, to help prepare everything, because I’m the mastermind behind this idea.

I try my best to be quick, so I don’t have any work left after the specialist comes in. We’ll just ask him the questions and then we all go home. But my phone soon starts ringing, and I know it’s him before I even check the screen.

I answer immediately, trying not to let the guilt shine through my tone before I even apologize. “Hey, honey, what’s up?” I say, cringing at myself. Guilt is literally sparkling inside my voice.

“Hey … Are you finished yet?” he wonders, sounding really hesitant. Like he knows what’s up. I let out a soft sigh, not wanting to lie to him. But I also don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s his birthday, after all. I can’t not be there!

“Um, no. I’m sorry, but the man rescheduled and he’s … He’s not here yet,” I try to explain as softly as I can. The moment he grows quiet, I realize what a big mistake I just made. I should’ve just called him the second I found out. He’d understand. Now he’s going to be disappointed, because he had to call me. Because I didn’t have the guts to be real with him.

After a long moment of silence, I hear him let out a long breath. “I see,” he says slowly, making me panic. No, I can’t make his birthday like this! It’s his special day, I don’t want him to feel the way I imagine he feels right now.

I’m starting to let my emotions open up and it’s making my eyes tear up. No, Perrie. You’re working, you’re not going to involve feelings. Hunter will have to understand. He will understand.

“I’m really sorry, I’ll try to make it home as fast as possible, okay? We’ll still get to celebrate,” I try to assure him, but before he even responds, I just know he doesn’t believe me. What’s worse, he was probably expecting something like this from me.

“Yeah … Okay. Have a great afternoon,” he speaks up in a voice so monotone, that it makes my chest clench itself together. Perrie, what did we say about involving feelings?

I let out a quick, sharp breath, nodding to myself. “You too. I’ll be home before you even realize it,” I say, not knowing where the confidence is coming from. He hangs up on me, leaving me confused. And worried.

I know I should be there, but it’s not like I can reschedule this! This is my work, this is what I’m trying to do with my life, with my future! He has to understand that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me.

I ignore my feelings once again, because I’ve already promised myself I wouldn’t mix them with my work and school. So far, it’s working out perfectly, so I won’t make the mistake of letting them ruin everything.

I patiently wait for dr. Strauss, who is a very insightful specialist. The weather department is usually considered the most boring part of a news company, but here at Fox, they’re trying to make a change. And I’m more than proud that they’re letting me be part of that change.

As the interview is coming to an end, my boss calls me over and tells me that he’ll allow me to ask a couple of questions of my own, if I’m up for it. I nod my head immediately and quickly come up with two things that I’d like to find out.

Once my boss approves them, I get to sit down at my colleague’s place, after she leaves the chair. I try my best to look presentable for the cameras. I keep my back straight, I talk loudly and clearly, but not in an overly dramatic way.

I nod as dr. Strauss answers my questions, listening intently, but also wanting to make it seem like I’m genuinely interested in what he has to say. And I actually am. I don’t even mind that we’re dragging this out a little.

As we’re finally putting things away and start leaving the building, I check my phone. Oh, crap. It’s eight o’clock. And I still have more than an hour’s ride home. Bad conscience starts to overtake me. I missed Hunter’s entire birthday.

I try calling him once I hop on the right train, trying to fix things by at least talking to him over the phone. He has the time, I know he does. But he doesn’t even pick up. I call a couple of times, tempted to turn it into three times, but I change my mind. He’s pissed off. I’m sure of it.

Hey, I’m sorry, we finished fifteen minutes ago. I’m on the ride home. Will you call me back? I text him, still trying to make it up to him. I even got him a cake and I now realize that I forgot it at the company. Crap. Crap, crap, crap! I’m literally the worst girlfriend that has ever lived.

Hunter doesn’t even text me back. He probably didn’t even bother to check the message. At least I didn’t forget the gift at work, I’d kill myself if I did.

I rush towards our apartment building as fast as I can, not wanting to waste even a second more. I hope he didn’t lock himself in. I hope he’s even going to let me enter our studio. I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse about myself that I do now.

As soon as I rush down the hallway, grabbing my keys, just in case, I realize I’m trembling. I’ve been keeping my emotions at bay for quite some time and now they’re threatening to spill over the edge. I can’t let that happen. I’ve been too good at this.

I try to open the door. To my surprise, it’s open. Huh. I’m not sure what to think anymore. But as I close it behind me and lock it, I realize I’m not going to like what’s about to happen. Hunter is sitting on the bed in complete darkness. The only thing lighting up his face is the screen of his laptop.

He’s watching a movie, not even bothering to look at me, let alone greet me. I know that I screwed up badly. I draw in a sharp breath, hanging my coat and at the same time already rummaging through my bag for his gift.

I walk over to the bed silently and sit on it. “Happy birthday, once again,” I say, then slowly push the box over to him. He glances at it, slowly breathing in as he notices what’s written on top of it.

Then, his gaze finally flicks my way and as I get met with the disappointment inside them, I feel like someone just knocked the air out of my lungs. He stares at me and I stare right back at him, feeling like the worst person in the world.

“You didn’t have to get me a gift,” he finally says. I open my mouth, but he’s not finished. “You didn’t have to, because all I asked for is for you to spend time with me. On my birthday. And you couldn’t even bother to do that,” he continues.

I starting opening and closing my mouth like a fish, because let’s be frank here, I have no way of justifying my actions. Yes, I was working but I shouldn’t have been giving him false hope. I shouldn’t have told him I’d be here with him, then ditch him.

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have given you false hope. I … How can I make it up to you? Can we pick another day? I’m sorry, I know that I screwed up, but I care about you, Hunter, really. I do. That’s why I got you the watch,” I speak up, knowing very well that my excuses sound lame to his ears.

“You can’t make it up to me. Not right now,” he lets me know in the coldest voice I’ve ever heard him use with me. It makes my eyes start to water, no matter how hard I’m trying not to let that happen. “Thanks for the gift. You really didn’t have to,” he then adds more quietly.

Finally, he grabs it, opens it and lets out a long sigh, shaking his head. I watch the scene in complete silence, fighting everything inside my not to start sobbing. I’m not the victim here. I’m the sinner. And I deserve this. He has every right to be angry with me.

I’m not even able to say anything as he puts the watch back into the box with a long sigh, then puts it on the nightstand. In the next moment, he closes the laptop, leaving me sitting there in complete darkness.

“Good night,” he mumbles as he turns into the wall, making my lips tremble. I grab his laptop and my phone, so I’m able to see anything. I get up to put it on the kitchen counter, then decide that I know when I’ve lost.

“Good night,” I murmur back, then disappear into the bathroom. As soon as I can muffle the sounds behind running water, I start to cry. Before I know it, I’m digging my nails into my wrist, letting myself really feel the pain, so I can focus on that, instead of my emotions.

I’ve been doing this since Halloween. It’s been helpful. It’s my way of coming back to my senses when I need to. It’s my way of making sure that I don’t spiral. That I stay in control of myself. It’s okay, Perrie. You messed up badly, but Hunter will forgive you. He loves you. And you love him. But you haven’t said it to him in more than two weeks.

As I finally climb to bed, I feel completely defeated. Hunter has pulled all the covers for himself, leaving me with barely anything to keep me warm at night. I don’t try to get closer to him, because I know he doesn’t want me there.

When I can’t fall asleep, I find myself whispering into the silence: “I love you.” I don’t think he hears me. He’s probably sleeping already. But those tiny words that sound so big when they’re said out loud, make my façade fall apart.

They awaken everything that I’ve been pushing down and I find myself digging my fingernails into the delicate skin of my wrist again, unable to cope with what’s trying to rush to the surface.

Suddenly, Hunter shifts beside me, making me stiffen in surprise. As he slowly turns towards me, I realize I’m holding my breath in anticipation. In the next moment, he puts his arm around me, covering me with the blanket. “I love you, too,” he mumbles, making me let out a long, quiet breath. “But I’m still mad at you,” he lets me know next.

“That’s okay. I’m mad at myself, too,” I admit. As I’m met with silence again, I already think he’s not going to respond anymore. But after a while, he does. And it almost makes me smile. Almost.

“Good.”