Dear Diary, I'm Finding Myself

Just When You Think You're Winning ...

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this upset. I’m being accused of doing something that I had no clue about! And I can’t believe Cassie is behind it again! Can’t she just leave me alone? Why can’t she let me live in peace? And most importantly, why did she have to come to New York?!

As I enter out classroom, barely getting to the lesson on time, because I’ve been kept by Mr. Rodriguez and the dean, I notice her gaze land on me. I look at her, raging inside, but not willing to show it on the outside. I can’t let her think she’s won. I won’t let her.

She doesn’t seem exactly pleased as she notices I’m not in distress at all. Or at least I appear not to be. Shame for you, Cassie, it will take much worse than this to bring me down. I’m not that middle school girl anymore.

I calmly stride down the lecture hall and take my seat in the first row, like I usually do. I don’t give her the satisfaction of turning around and meeting her gaze, even if I can feel it’s pinned on my back the entire time. I’ll deal with her on my own accord.

As we’re finishing the class, I’m just checking the time. The lesson dragged on a little longer than usual. The professor really wanted to finish the subject we were talking about today, and she had to give us work to do at home.

We’ll have to do some real research now. Out, in the field. I’m kind of excited about it, this is why I came to study here in the first place. Maybe I’ll get to cover an interesting subject, since she’ll be handing out the themes.

Anyway, I’m quickly putting my stuff away, trying to get to the subway as fast as possible, so I don’t miss my shift. But someone just has to stop me. And that someone is the one person that I didn’t want to look at right now.

Cassie starts walking beside me as she realizes I’m not going to give her a second of my attention. She starts talking a moment later. “I thought I wouldn’t be seeing you at this lesson. Or any other lesson for that matter,” she remarks.

I don’t let myself get thrown off course by her mean comments. I glance at her, plastering a fake smile on my face. She doesn’t deserve a genuine one. “Nope. I’m still hanging around. You’ll have to look at my face every day,” I tease her in a mean way.

Just like she’s been doing for years. I can see something glistening through her eyes. something dangerous. I’m not sure what to think about it. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Handing love notes to professors … Yikes. I can’t believe you stooped so low,” she continues challenging me.

Okay, Perrie, breathe, don’t let her get to you. I keep that smile on my face, even if it’s starting to hurt my cheeks. Who would’ve thought a fake smile can be so difficult to maintain? “Mm, I know right? Who in their right mind would do that?” I decide to say, sending a meaningful gaze her way.

She chuckles like I’ve just told the funniest joke of the century. Yeah, laugh, b***h. You won’t be laughing for long. I know she has a thing for Mr. Rodriguez. And I’m going to use that against her. “Are you trying to blame me? You don’t have any proof. Nothing connects me to that note,” she fights back triumphantly.

My smile turns into a wicked one. I’m not sure when I became like that, but it turns out to be my greatest weapon, once I respond to her statement. “You’re right. You’ve handed me the perfect opportunity to snatch Mr. Rodriguez for myself,” I tell her.

Her face falls immediately. She can’t even hide it. Oh, she’s fallen badly. And deeply. She can’t even deny that she likes him. That’s what I was going for. “You wouldn’t. You have Hunter. Why would you want Daniel?” she starts babbling.

I keep smiling at her. Now I’m the one with a triumphant expression on my face. “You just wait and see. Sooner or later, he’ll give in. You really should’ve signed that note, Cassie,” I inform her, resulting in an angry outburst.

She basically starts stomping beside me, and I have to try really hard not to laugh. “You keep your paws off him, do you hear me?! I’ll get rid of you one way or another! Daniel will be mine, do you hear me?! Mine!” she rages on and on.

I just wave my hand at her in a dismissive way, feeling at least some satisfaction that I managed to get back at her. At least a little bit. “Yeah, yeah, you keep telling yourself that. I have to get to my internship, hasta la vista, hopefully never,” I tell her.

I quicken my step and she luckily doesn’t follow behind me. Good. I was getting tired of keeping that fake smile plastered on my face. Even if it wasn’t so fake now, in the end. Ah, I can’t believe she fell for that. She’s really crushing on the professor. Badly.

To be clear, I was only joking when I said I’d snatch him for myself. As Cassie pointed out, I have a boyfriend already. And I’d never do that to him. I don’t feel the need to switch him either. I just hope he feels the same way.

As I get home that evening, I’m exhausted from the drama that has been going on for the whole day. The dean called me to Fox and I didn’t want to answer at first, because it was an unknown number. But then I did, and he told me I need to come to his office straight away next morning.

It didn’t sound very good, by the way. Not very optimistic. I’m not sure if they actually dusted the note for my fingerprints, but hey, that would be helpful. Because my fingerprints actually aren’t on that piece of paper.

Hunter is studying as I get back. He seems to do that a lot lately. Once I greet him, he barely mumbles anything in return, which lets me know that he’s too invested with the books to talk. Fine by me. I’ll make us dinner, then we’ll go to bed.

But as I start cooking, he’s clearly finished with schoolwork, because he closes the books and puts them away. Then, he joins me behind the counter and helps me out. “So, how was your day?” he wonders in a causal way.

He still hasn’t forgotten the fact that I came home so late on his birthday, despite promising that I’d be there for the whole afternoon, more or less. Anyway, he’s trying to be kind and I really appreciate that. Even if he maybe hasn’t fully forgiven me.

I shake my head, not really wanting to talk about it. Then again, I remember that Cassie probably still has his number in her phone. She did send him those pictures of me, dancing with Jackson at the Winter Ball last year. I almost shudder, just thinking about it.

“Well, it’s been crap. How was your day?” I let him know, deciding to pop that question in, because I’m hoping he won’t really be interested in hearing what I have to say. Even if I already know that he won’t let go of this, now that I’ve mentioned it.

“Uh-oh. What happened? My day was fine, I guess,” he responds, leaning against the counter and watching me with a searching gaze. I sigh, not knowing where to even begin. Finally, I decide to start with the moment I confronted Cassie about flirting with a professor.

I start explaining how that went down and how Cassie swore she’d take revenge on me. Then, I finally tell him what happened today. How I had to defend myself in front of the dean and how I have to come to his office tomorrow morning.

Then, I even tell him what I said to Cassie, in order to throw her off guard. I can tell that I should’ve kept this to myself, as I notice the way his muscles tense when I tell him what I said to her to throw her off guard.

“Wow,” he simply says after I finish. I look at him, knowing that I’m about to get lectured again. Like I’m some kid. “Wow, really? You told her that you’ll snatch a professor for yourself and that you basically don’t give a crap about me? Really, Perrie, don’t you have any respect for me at all?”

I blink in surprise, not having expected this kind of reaction. “I didn’t mean it, come on. I said that to her, because I knew it would drive her nuts. She’s trying to get me thrown out of college, for Christ’s sake, what would you expect me to do? Just stand by and watch calmly, while she destroys what I’ve worked so hard for?”

He breathes out slowly, fuming with anger. “No! I expect you to stay out of her drama, because the more you interact with her, the more satisfaction she’ll get out of doing this to you! Why can’t you see that getting involved in her drama is only doing bad things for you?” he bursts out, unable to keep his cool any longer.

I toss the towel aside angrily. “Don’t tell me what to do! You don’t know what it’s like, having someone sabotage your every move, just because you broke off the friendship with them in middle school! I don’t understand why she’s still out to get me and I don’t know how else to fight her! I can’t just stay by calmly and let her ruin my whole life!” I burst out too, feeling tears stinging my eyes.

He watches me angrily, then shakes his head in disappointment. “Forget it. You refuse to listen to me anyway,” he retorts, before walking away. I turn around after him, still not finished with the argument we were just having.

“Really? That’s how it’s going to be now? You’re just going to lecture me, then not finish whatever’s on your mind?” I fight him. I know I shouldn’t be provoking him, but I’m too angry to think clearly right now.

He stops in his tracks and turns towards me so slowly, that it looks like he’s been edited for a movie. His gaze lands on my with such intensity that it almost makes me flinch in fear. Great. Now I’ve pissed him off.

“You want to hear what’s on my mind? You’ve been acting like a child since you saw Cassie at NYU. So what if she’s there? So what if she’s your classmate? If you left her alone and didn’t continue provoking her every chance you got, you wouldn’t be in this situation right now!” he speaks up.

His words do make me flinch. I stare at him in hurt, suddenly finding myself losing the gift of speech. I turn back around before he manages to see the tears falling. I know that he’s able to see the way my shoulders are slumped, but he doesn’t walk towards me.

He doesn’t say anything else, and I keep quiet, too. I don’t know how to defend myself against his statement. Because I find myself in it. I’ve been playing with her in class. I’ve been provoking her to continue this dynamic between us and now it got me here. Into this mess.

I sniffle quietly, but he doesn’t react either. He’s watching some videos on his phone, with the volume set to the maximum. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I’m crying. And once again, I feel like I deserve that.

Not just that, I feel like I’m ruining our relationship every time I open my mouth. Nothing I do seems right lately. And he’s been having such a short fuse since I missed his birthday. I feel so ashamed of myself for that, but I have no way of fixing it. And absolutely no way of assuring he forgives me. Because I’m not sure he did. And I’m not sure he will.