A hopeless kind of love

Chapter 4: Thoughts

Chapter 4

Elle

Even though I don't let go of Cody’s hand, I don't say anything either. I'm still too shocked to get anything out of me. It feels good to just have my hand holding his. It feels right like I always should’ve been holding it.

Right now we're sitting in a restaurant, looking at the menus. I don’t feel especially hungry though, I don’t want to eat, I just want to be with Cody, alone.

A young man comes up to our table. A stranger because we don’t know this man, but he looks amazed, and he’s looking at Cody.

"Are you Cody Williams?" The man asks nervously.

I raise my eyebrows, looking at Cody who nods.

"You're the whole country’s hero dude!" The man bursts out.

Cody’s face gets a red color. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel irritated and I just want this man to leave us alone. I would never just walk up to strangers like this.

"Can we have dinner by ourselves without people coming up and start talking to Cody?” I ask the man rudely.

He rolls his eyes at me and leaves.

Cody looks at me with a frown. Oh great. Now I feel bad about that. Maybe I shouldn’t have been rude, people look up to Cody after all.

"Hey Elle, can I talk to you for a second?" He asks.

I put down the menu and nod. We’d better get this over with.

Cody takes my hand and leads me out of the restaurant. I lean against the building, looking at Cody. I see all that perfection in the world in this one face. It’s unbelievable. How can one person be the definition of perfection? I mean he has good genes, that’s for sure, but he brings the genes to a whole knee level.

"Elle... What's wrong?" Cody asks.

"What's wrong?" I repeat. Can't he figure that out by himself? He's not stupid. In fact, he is super smart. I know that he knows what's wrong. "Can't you figure that out?" I ask, looking at the ground. "Well... Maybe you can't after all. You’ve gone for six months Cody. Maybe I've changed too much".

Elle puts his hand under my chin and lifts it, forcing me to look at him. I look into his blue eyes, and I feel the urge to start crying. What if I wouldn't have been able to look into them anymore. What if he died out there in Afghanistan. I would never be the same again.

"I'm here now Elle", he says softly. "But you're right. You have changed. You're not the Elle I remember". I just look at him. I think I know what he's referring to. But I keep my mouth shut. "You were always happy", Cody says. "But now everyone's telling me that you're in a dark place, that you're always sad and never happy and I’ve started to notice what they mean".

I can't keep my mouth shut anymore. I stand up straight in front of him.

"Only when you're away from me", I say.

Cody says nothing. He just looks at me. He's so handsome. He has always been. Girls have always drooled all over him. He hasn't shown interest in them though. I was always wondering why, and I still am. Cody is the kind of guy who everyone wants, and now me. I have always been friends with Cody, and I always will be, but over the years, my feelings have grown.

"I should have told you this like six months ago, but you told me that you were leaving for Afghanistan and I figured that it wouldn't have made any difference", I say.

"Wait Elle, I ..." Cody says and swallows hard. "If anything I should've told you this way earlier. Ever since we were five, I've been so deeply in love with you, maybe I didn’t know what it was back then, but my feelings have only deepened over the years".

Wait, what?

"For real?" I ask.

Cody chuckles.

"Yeah", he says.

"Cody... I love you", I say. There. I said it and it felt good, like a stone from my chest had disappeared.

I lock my arms around his chest and hug him. I just love the feeling of Cody’s living body against mine. Knowing that the blood in his veins is still flowing. That his heart is beating.

Why didn't he tell me earlier? Maybe everything would've been different.

I look up at him again and his lips are gently placed onto mine. Oh, the feeling I get from his lips can't be described in words. It really can't. This day is the first I've ever kissed him. Or well... No. There was one time when we were ten. But that was truth or dare. And we were kids. That was ten years ago, so it doesn't even count. Or maybe it did for him though now when I think about it.

"I wish I would've told you sooner", Cody whispers with his lips still touching mine.

"Me too", I whisper. Because I really do. Everything could have been different.

We stand here for another ten minutes before I remember everyone else who is still sitting inside the restaurant.

"We should probably get back", I say.

Cody starts to laugh. “Oops”, he says. His laugh has always been the best sound in the world, even when we were kids, it’s so genuine and so clear. Whenever he laughs everyone around him laughs along with him like they can’t help themselves.

I’m no different, I start laughing and it feels good.

"I've missed hearing your laugh", Cody says.

That evening I have a really great time. I haven't been this happy for so long. I haven't had room inside of me for happiness. I've just been worried and sad. But now Cody is home and I'm happy again.

I know very well that Cody can get a callback anytime. I don't want to think about that though. I want to take care of the time we do have together.

My sisters are going to sleep at Daniel's and Julia's. They came up with that yesterday because I was still in a really bad place and I don’t have a lot of space in my small apartment. I am looking for a bigger place. And now she could sleep at my place, but Daniel said that it's fine for my sisters to stay at his and Julia's. They think that my sisters are sweet.

So it ends up with Cody following me home. And me not letting him walk away. I want to spend as much time with him as possible.

If I let him out of sight he might disappear forever. Maybe that’s just me being paranoid, but it really feels like it. It feels like we have a lot to catch up with and talk through. I don’t want to miss a single moment with Cody as long as he is here.