Temptation's Prisoners

3. Three months earlier--June 18

THREE

THREE MONTHS EARLIER--JUNE 18

Christine Mason unlocked the office door and turned on the lights. She made her way through the waiting room and into her consultation room, where she spent hours each day listening to intimate struggles with relationships, addictions and psychological conditions that were complicated combinations of genetic and environmental circumstances. The room was decorated in light blues and whites, and at its center, there was a couch and two chairs in a conversation grouping around a glass coffee table. The focus of the room was the sitting area where she and clients attempted to discern what was at the heart of their conditions, concerns, and phobias. There were two paintings on the wall, one a still life featuring a glass of wine alongside grapes and the other was an impressionist painting of a harbor. She walked over to the coffee maker, listened to the gurgles as it spit out a single cup, and then made her way to her desk in the corner of the room. Chris began to review and respond to some of the emails received in the last fourteen hours. She checked her watch and saw that it was almost 9:00 a.m. Her first appointment of the day was a half-hour away, so she had a little time to make notes on recent sessions and review her mail.

Chris had delicate features and wore her blonde hair down. At age forty-one, she had youthful skin, and facial features reminiscent of Naomi Watts, which gave her a mid-thirties appearance. The male of the species found her attractive and always had. From days of middle school, the boys were always pursuing. As a psychologist, her good looks resulted in complications. She encountered transference with some frequency, as some of her patients, both men, and women, believed they were in love with her. Sometimes they worked past those concerns, other times not. In those circumstances, she would have to refer the patient to another therapist or progress became much more difficult and the patient’s feelings towards the therapist became part of the problem.

Chris took a moment to send an email to Adam, reminding him of their dinner commitment at 7:00 p.m. He would likely show up on time and be partially present, without enthusiasm. The way he carried himself most days. Something had happened, and after twelve years of marriage, Adam was perpetually distracted and becoming more and more withdrawn. He no longer worked at their relationship and it occurred to her more than once that he might be in love with someone else—or maybe just out of love with her. It had all happened so slowly that it had been imperceptible on a day to day basis. There had been no sudden change, but simply a gradual distancing; a wall built brick by brick. These days they were business partners, sharing a home and its financial burdens, exchanging mundane conversation without vulnerability on the few occasions when they were home at the same time, and sharing a few couples as friends. She had to admit that she had taken the path of least resistance and no longer tried hard to get beyond the barriers. Nowadays, she simply ignored their communication issues, finding it easier than trying to come to terms with what was really at the heart of it all. Her relationship was similar to those of people she counseled, except those people had reached out to her and were trying to find a better way. The irony was not lost on her.

Chris worked at her computer until there was a beep and the light came on next to her desk. Her 9:30 a.m. appointment, a brand new patient, was waiting in the lobby. She opened the door and greeted a handsome man who appeared to be in his mid-forties. He had dark hair, greying around the edges and a wrap-around beard. He was over six feet tall and solidly built.

“Good morning. You’re Jason Shepard?” Chris asked

“That’s right, and you’re Doctor Christine Adams, I trust,” he replied without smiling. Jason had intelligent, blue eyes and a serious expression.

“Please, come on in.” She stepped aside and he walked into the room, glanced around and looked at the conversation seating. “Have a seat,” she said, gesturing to the couch.

Shepard sat down and she sat in the chair directly across from him.

He looked at her momentarily, and then raised his arms in a gesture that said, ‘what now.’ She gave him a smile and asked, “Do you want coffee, tea or water?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.” He paused and then said, “So how do we do this?”

“Well, this is really informal. We just have a conversation. Why don’t you begin by telling me why you came to see me?”

He nodded but said nothing as he gathered his thoughts. “Because those who know me best say I need to give this a try,” he said, evenly.

She nodded. “Do you know why they say that?” she asked, with a warm smile.

“Yes.” He took a deep breath, and then said, “My wife, Wendy, died almost two years ago and I have been depressed.”

“Have you thought about doing yourself harm?” She asked.

“No, I’m not about to do myself in, I just miss her so much,” he said softly.

“How did Wendy die? Are you okay to talk about that?”

He nodded and took a moment to either gather his thoughts or contain his emotions. “It was a home invasion. Intruders came into our house while I was traveling. They put a g*n to her head and executed her. I got home the next afternoon and found her.” He shook his head and said, “That was almost two years ago and it feels like yesterday.”

“Did the authorities find the people who did it?”

He was quiet a moment, and then replied, “They haven’t been caught.”

Chris said, “I’m so very sorry, Jason.” After a moment, she asked, “Have you grieved her? I mean, cried and allowed the sorrow to come out?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I have. For a while, I just focused on my work for long hours but postponing the pain simply didn’t work. There are just so many reminders out there. I would see a face, hear a laugh or simply be reminded of one of a million moments we had together. Then I would come apart.”

“I know that it is all so hard, Jason.” She gave him a smile and then asked, “Tell me about Wendy,” she said. “What was she like?”

“She was smart and caring. She had a passion for everything she did, and the warmest smile you ever saw.” He allowed a smile as he reflected on what she meant to him. “I learned about what life could be from watching what came naturally to her. And for some reason, she was in love with me.” He blew out a breath to hold in emotion and then said, “She just lit up my world and the worlds of all who crossed her path.” He was silent a moment and then added, “I’ve always loved life, but I’m forty-four years old and I’m not excited about living the next forty-four without her.”

Chris nodded her understanding and then gave him a smile. “So, have you considered dating again at some point? Maybe trying to find someone else you care about?”

“No, but my friends keep thinking about it. They all want to set me up with people they know.”

“But you’re not ready for that yet?” she asked. He shook his head but remained quiet. “Are you thinking that dating would be some kind of a betrayal of your wife?”

He reflected, and then replied, “I don’t think so. I mean, intellectually I don’t feel that way. Emotionally, I don’t know for sure. That’s harder to figure out.” He shrugged and then added, “The truth is, I can’t possibly ever be that lucky again.”

“There’s nothing wrong with taking it slow,” she interjected. “It seems to me that you have good insight into your feelings and what you need.” She drew a breath and said, “One day, you will think of her and smile. In time, your thoughts will travel first to the special moments you shared, rather than the overwhelming sadness of the loss. Slowly, you have to acknowledge that she has moved forward, to whatever comes next when we leave here, and that you can’t go back. At some point, you will want to make room for someone else in your life, so that you can make more loving memories.” He nodded but said nothing. She added, “Wendy would want you to find happiness, right?”

“Yes.”

“That’s what you would want if the roles were reversed, right?”

“That’s true,” he replied, and then added, “It’s just not enough.”

Chris considered that insightful response and then said, “Accepting that fact is a start. It doesn’t mean you can be ready tomorrow, it just means that you’re working on it. You will see the light in the world again one day.”

“I don’t know,” Jason replied. “I had no idea how different the world could look the moment I could no longer talk to her. I still see her in every corner of my life. There are places that come with memories of us. Restaurants, movies, and trails we hiked; all the places that were a part of us. Or someone will tell me about something she used to say, or the expression she gave, and I am suddenly overwhelmed. The nights are the hardest part. I keep busy during the day, but at night I’m alone, and it all hits me all over again.” He shook his head and then added, “And she is still everywhere I go. I see someone in a crowd that looks just like her from the back or from a distance. I chase that person until I’m convinced it’s not her, even though I know it couldn’t be. I just don’t know how someone can be in every corner of our lives, and then just gone from the planet.”

“I understand,” Chris replied. “It is truly daunting.” She thought for a moment and then asked, “Do you have religious or spiritual beliefs about what comes next? Sometimes that helps people make it through the darkest times.”

“I get that, doc. Do I call you doc?”

“Call me Chris, please.”

“Chris, I believe that there is something after this life and that we all have more to do in one form or another, and in some other place. I have no idea what it will be, or whether it has anything to do with traditional notions of Heaven, but I think we move to something else. I don’t think this life is all there is.”

“So, you believe that Wendy is at that place that comes next?”

“Yeah, she must be.”

“Do you talk to her?”

He nodded, pushing away a tear. “Sometimes I do.”

“What do you say to her?”

“A recollection. A place, a moment, a memory that I know she shares. And sometimes I thank her for the wonderful years that she shared with me. This woman could have spent her time with anyone, and I was lucky enough to have all those years with her. I thank her for loving me every day. I know that wasn’t always easy, but she never wavered. If I could only be with her for one more day, I would love to tell her everything she meant to me. All that has been in my heart since I lost her.” Tears filled his eyes as he finished speaking. He pushed another one away and said, “Sorry, it’s just so hard.”

Chris was moved by his words and almost ready to tear up herself. Listening to these sad stories is what she did for a living, but this one was really getting to her. She cleared her throat and said, “You know, Jason, I think she was really lucky, too. It’s clear how much you loved her.” She paused, but he remained quiet, so she asked, “Are you angry about her being taking from you?”

“Sometimes I’m angry at the people who did this, angry at God and angry at the universe. I’m also so sad, and it’s hard to see how the world gets any better.”

Chris regarded his responses as thoughtful and emotionally honest. She replied, “I know it can be hard to look beyond such sorrow. Maybe we can work together to help you.”

He nodded. He took a deep breath and said, “I haven’t shared all this with anyone before. It is…,” he paused a moment to gain control and then added, “Really difficult.”

“I suspect that you will be exhausted tonight. This kind of emotion takes a toll, but it is so good. You are doing good work, Jason.” He stayed quiet, so she decided to go in another direction. “What is your profession?”

“I am an investigator.”

“Really?” she asked. “Who do you work for?”

“I’m private these days. I do work for a couple of government agencies, prosecutors and other attorneys, and some of my work is corporate and individual hire.”

“Were you a cop?”

“Yeah. In the military I was a Special Agent with Army CID, doing criminal investigations, and then I was a detective with San Francisco P.D.”

“Why no longer with the P.D., if you don’t mind me asking.”

“I don’t mind. I guess I would say that I didn’t have enough freedom to choose what I wanted to work on. I like the niche I have now, and I like the ability to accept or reject cases. Now I really love my work. Some days it’s the pursuit of my work that keeps me going.”

Chris glanced at the clock and said, “I guess our time is up for today.”

Jason nodded, and then said, “So, you guys really say that, huh?”

“I guess we do,” she replied smiling. “Do you want to come back? I think maybe we can make progress to allow you to move forward with your life.”

He was quiet a moment and then said, “I think so. This was really difficult, so maybe it is a good thing.”

“How about next Thursday?”

He looked at the calendar on his phone. “Thursday is okay if we can do it early.”

“How about 8:00 a.m.?”

He nodded. “I think I’ll be here,” Jason said, with a forced grin.

“Our first goal is to give air to all the emotions that get stuffed way down deep. There will be plenty of time for your friends to encourage you to try a ‘just lunch’ or a ‘just coffee’ date or go out with their best friend. You’ll know when to give any of that a try.”

He looked painfully sad, and then he shook his head and said, “I miss her so damned much.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’m so sorry.” Chris told him.

Jason stood and walked to the door. He stopped and turned back to her, looking like he was about to speak. Instead, he choked back a tear, gave her a nod, and walked out.