Bitter Pill(Undeserved)

CHAPTER 10*Wednesday's*

,e It's my third week alone at home without my parents, and everything has been pretty much the same in the house. 

One would think they would have the decency to at least call and check up on me to see how their son is faring alone, but they haven't, and I am not surprised, they are my parents after all, and I know them well enough to know they don't care. 

Even if they are going to call, I am sure their reasons would be to either remind me of attending church on Sunday or to ask if I am reading my baby every day and if I remember to pray before bed. 

What they don't know is the fact that I don't need them to tell me to do these things anymore, because even if I were on the verge of dying, I would still use the last breath I have to either pray or read the bible. 

Even though there is the possibility that my prayers might not be, answered, but there is no harm in trying one last time. 

Although I love God and everything there is about him, my parents, however, makes me feel like going to church or reading the bible and having devotion or serving God, in general, has become a routine rather than it being worship. 

I have gotten so used to these things at times I feel like a robot who's programmed to wake up at a scheduled time every day of its existence and perform certain obligations at a given period either he wants to or not. 

But the fact that I feel such way most days doesn't change my love for God one bit, but I fear that perhaps he might not love me back. 

Because growing up, my parents never failed to preach it to my brother and me the consequences of sins; they would always tell us that sinners do not need to die before they suffer in hell. Instead, they suffer physically and emotionally on earth before they die and continue to surfer in the never-ending sea of fire. 

The words they said scared me so much as a child, and up until today, I think it still scares me.

The terror of burning for eternity is one of the primary reason why I hid my attraction to men, and as for the suffering on earth, I think mine started when I became selectively mute. 

That's why whenever I pray, I feel like the almighty might not want to listen to the things I have to say because even if I try to hide it from the rest of the word he knows I am gay, he is omniscient after all. 

I hope he would also see beyond that if he can see my heart then I am sure he would know that I am a good boy at heart and that I love him and believe in him. 

Heaving a sigh, I get up from my kneeling position, and I pick up my bible to read a chapter or verse to guide me through the day. 

Most days I read the psalm, and sometimes I follow where my heart chooses to read, as I flip through the pages of my bible my hand rests in the new testament, with no idea what verse to read, I place my fingertip on the edge of the pages, and I flipped all at once with my eyes closed. 

When I opened my eyes to see the page, It happened to be the first book of John. I can read the chapters from one to the end because doing that would mean going late to school.

As I ponder on what verse and chapter to read, my eyes land on Jaidyn's broken wristwatch sitting on the edge of my bed nightstand and I stretch my hand over to pick it up.  

Looking at the watch the time on it says 4;18 which was wrong because it is currently a quarter past six in the morning, but that wasn't my purpose for checking the time on the wristwatch it was to help me decide what chapter and verse to read. 

Putting the wristwatch back where I took it from, I turned to my opened and I scrolled to 1st John 4 vs18.

"THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE, BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. FOR FEAR HAS TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT, AND WHOEVER FEARS HAS NOT BEEN, PERFECTED IN LOVE." 

I read the verse out loud, and I paused, I wanted to read further, but somehow I couldn't.

So I read the verse again and again, as hard as I tried comprehending the words and grasp the meaning behind the verse couldn't. 

I wasn't sure if the love here is referring to love in general, as In to love and be love or if the verse was talking about holy love which is the love of God. 

I love God, but I have fears, fears of what others would say or what more parents would think. Perhaps it is talking about human love, yet again this is the word God, and one with a carnal mind can not entirely understand the depth of its message. 

Heaving a sigh in confusion, I picked up my yellow marker from the nightstand, and I highlight the verse, it is something I do whenever I read something in the bible or my textbooks, and I don't understand. 

I use a red marker for paragraphs or verse I don't understand so even if I forget whenever I am reading the bible and come across it again the red marker would remind me that I haven't solved the confusion of the verse. 

After highlighting the verse, I closed my bible placing it on the bed as I proceed to the bathroom, when I come back from school I would go over the verse one more time and I still can't interpreter on my own. I would use my bible app, grabbing my backpack from the desk in my room and my phone from under my pillow.

I walked out of my bedroom to the kitchen, and I fixed myself a quick sandwich checked if all the windows in the house are locked before I made my way to school. 

Today being Wednesday I have three classes, two this morning, one free period before lunch and the last class comes after lunch that's why I don't take lunch to school on Wednesdays. 

When Jaidyn was here he made it a habit to pick up from school every Wednesday; we would drive around town for a while, go to the bookstore for a new release to buy, Jaidyn would then force me to go to the gaming centre with him. 

Our town only had one gaming centre which to me I feel like it's outdated.

I haven't seen game centres from other towns or the city but judging from the looks of the one in Crossville here and my personal opinion it is outdated. 

After gaming with Jaidyn, he would then drag me to the ice cream store; my elder brother knows how I'm not too fond of sweet things. I don't understand how people cope with eating all those sugary things and not get repulsed from its excessive sweetness. 

Jaidyn would always complain about how weird my eating habits are, I don't like biscuits, I don't like cola, I don't like chocolate, never a fan of ice cream and cake is just not my thing, but give me anything sour in taste, and I would gladly accept. 

Jaidyn, on the other hand, likes anything sweet, no matter how sugary food or snack is, Jaidyn would devour it. Given he knows my dislike for sugary things, he's, made it a duty to drag me to any available ice cream store whenever we hang out on Wednesdays and force me ice cream.

 Heaven knows if it were someone else that force-feeds ice cream to me, I would cause mayhem and wreak havoc, but the smile on Jaidyn's face each time I open my mouth to receive a scoop from him soothes my soul in a way and makes me happy. 

Even if I wear a frown all through the processing but the knowledge that my eating Ice cream with him pleases and makes him happy gives my soul content. 

Jaidyn is a brother that goes out of his way to make me comfortable with making sure I am taken care of and thinking about I give him nothing in return. 

Even on days where my selectiveness kicks in and I fail to talk or respond to him he still tries to please me, knowing I can do that one thing to make him happy even if it is something I don't like doing, but as long as it gives him joy, then I don't mind. 

Thinking about him now makes me realise how much I miss him and how I so badly wish he would just come home.

I regret not trying my best to talk with, those times he would try everything possible to make me laugh or make me giggle I regret no ever trying my best to speak on those times.

Maybe if I had talked more with him if I had made efforts to talk about him instead of having him focus on me perhaps he would have informed me on what is going on and tell me why he would so suddenly disappear. 

It's a pity how true the saying goes; you don't realise how important something or someone is to you until you lose it. Jaidyn was and remains the most critical person in my life, and I regret not telling him that more.

 And not reminding him every day how much importance he had in my life and now that he is gone with no idea if he would ever come back I realise just how much I have lost. 

I felt something wet on my cheek, and I pat my check to realise that a stray tear found its way out, and I wiped my face with the sleeve of my hoodie. 

"Argh." 

I groan out as someone or something barreled into me, and my back collides with the sharp edge of the school corridor wall. 

Pain shot through my back as I bend over from the sudden impact, I didn't even care to look at the one who pushed me accidentally or intentional because my mind focused on the sharp pain travelling through my spine at the moment. 

I had no idea such electrocuting pain exist. 

"What a weakling." 

I hear someone say with malice and I raised my head anger flaring in my eyes ready to curse out the i***t who couldn't even apologise for his mistake, my body stills and the anger depletes from my eyes as I meet with an equally pissed Trevor.

Who looked on me with disdain and hate. 

Without saying another word, I straighten my back, wincing as I felt my inner shirt scrap on the spot in my back that connected with the wall, I hope my back isn't, bruised. 

Adjusting the str*ap of my backpack, I pull my hood down to cover my face as I attempt to walk away from him, it's too early in the morning for this. 

Trevor chuckles before he grabs and pulls me back harshly by my backpack sending me back into the wall and I bite on my tongue to keep me from screaming. 

"Where do you think you're going." 

He asks, but I remained silent, not seeing the need to answer him, because conversing with him would only prolong whatever this is and I have no strength for trouble. 

Especially not with someone I don't even know and have no idea what in hell he wants with me. 

"Cat cut your tongue, or you think you're too big to talk to the likes of me." 

Trevor says, and I just sigh picking myself up again. 

"I need to get to class." 

I tell him lowly and as he made a move to reply the sound of the school bell echoes through the hall for the start of the first period, and I thanked God for using the timekeeper as my saving grace. 

"I am not done with you." 

Trevor spits pushing past me as he storms away in anger, and I sighed as I head to my first period, wincing with every step I take, and I knew for sure my back is wounded. 

Escaping Trevor that one time was a bit of great luck for me. If he and his crew didn't laugh that loud enough for me to hear, his presence in the hallway would have gone unnoticed by me, and that might have gotten me into trouble. 

But ever since it seems as though luck hasn't been my best forte,  at first, I thought he was no longer a problem to me when he didn't approach me for a week after I ran away from his calls. 

We would meet in the hallway, and he would walk by me like it was nothing, and I was grateful, but a week later which was last week he started paying more attention to me and the things I do. 

And on most occasions, he would shove me or throw insults at me when no one is looking yet in as much as I have tried my hardest to avoid him it seems not to work its as if he is everywhere I go. 

I don't quite understand why the sudden interest in me, he keeps threatening to make me pay when in reality, I have not the slightest idea what he is on about 

He keeps associating me with his brother's death, and I don't quite understand, Skylar was like a brother to me too, he was like the mother hen to me. At the same time, Jaidyn played the role of the mother and on most days when I find it challenging to talk Skylar always had a way of making me talk even if not much he still makes sure I say something to him or Jaidyn to assure them that I am doing okay. 

So why would I want him dead or harm him in any way, and why does Trevor even feel the need to taunt me for his brother's death. 

 "Mr Corkett, mind turning in your assignment." 

The teacher's voice snaps me out of my train of thoughts, and I turned to her seeing her stand beside me, when did she even come in. 

Nodding my head slightly I open my backpack, looking for the sheet holding her assignment and I hand it over to her. 

"By the way, no sleeping in my class today." 

She reprimands slowly, and I nod my head, knowing quite well I might end up sleeping, her class is the most boring.

As much as I love and enjoy maths, this woman makes math boring with her teaching technique, 

"Okay today, I only have a few minutes to spend with you, we would be revising everything I've thought you since the school resumption, for thirty minutes and I'll leave you with classwork which I will be back for ten minutes before your next period. Now bring out your textbooks." 

I zone out on her next words as I lay my head on the desk, I don't necessarily need her revision, I do that all the time on my own, instead, nap for the next thirty minutes.