Darkness

Chapter 11: Laughter

My dreams were plagued with the walls of darkness. I couldn't get the image and the sensation out of my head. I woke covered in sweat and panting. It wasn't much of a sleep, but I had to get myself together. It was still dark outside, but the sun would be coming up soon.

I peered out the window. In the alleyway below, the familiar ember faded into view.

Was I really seeing things? My mind mulled over the night before and the conversation with Anton. What he said made sense. But... there was no blood.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I needed to talk to him again. He was the only thing in my life that didn't make me feel like I was completely losing it. I jammed my socked feet into my pair of black converse shoes before I pushed down the hall. Anton's snores filled the front room from behind the curtain. I didn't flip the light on, but I did grab my tote bag turned purse. I locked the door behind me and set off to find my figment.

The alleyway below was empty. The edges of the buildings slowly became more crisp in the morning glow as I walked. I would find him. I would figure out what the hell was going on.

After another street and another I was getting nowhere. How was it when I wanted to find him, I couldn't? He just always seemed to appear when I needed him. This was lending evidence to the fact that he really was just a hallucination.

I sat heavily on a bus bench. A few cars passed as I waited. As I stared across the street, the ember flickered into view. I got up. It vanished. Why was this so much harder than before?

"Are you looking for me?" His deep voice from behind me made me jump.

I righted my tote over my arm before I turned to face him. "Yes."

The growing light made him clearer than ever, but it was almost like he held an aura of darkness about him. He leaned against the wall the floating firefly lingered about his shoulder.

"Am I crazy?"

"Are you?"

"You saw the darkness."

He nodded.

"Anton doesn't remember it."

He tilted his and nodded as if he wasn't surprised.

I took a step towards him. "Why?"

"You must remember the answers on your own."

"You're the only one that can give me answers," I said with a little heat in my voice.

He pressed his lips together in a frown. "Look, its getting a little light for me, good luck with your search."

"No! Don't do that." I stared hard at him. If he left, I was going to see him do it. I was going to watch him vanish before my eyes. I didn't know if that would prove whether I was crazy or not, but it would mean something.

"Look, you just think I'm a figment of your imagination, right? So why would you trust anything I say?"

"Because you might not be."

"Or you might just look like a crazy lady talking to an empty wall." He gestured to the street around me as a few passerbys turned their head towards my heated words.

I refused to look away from him.

"Come on, what do you want me to do?"

"Tell me the truth."

"I can't do that."

"Why?!"

His eyes shot behind me to the people staring. "Look, can you just look that way so I can leave?"

I narrowed my eyes. "You can leave anytime you want."

Ember flitted at his ear, flying erratically. He stared me down while ignoring her. "Fine."

He turned and walked along the edge of the wall. I followed close on his heels. I would see where he disappeared to. I would figure out what was going on and what happened to Mila.

"Don't follow me," he said.

"Why not?"

"Just don't." He walked faster.

I stuck tight to him. He turned the corner snug to the wall. Shadows coalesced around him in the growing light. I swiped my hand out to grab his sleeve, but it felt like it slipped through my finger just as I turned the corner. And just like that, he was gone.

"s**t!" I slapped the brick wall with my hands searching for, well a secret door or something, anything to figure out where that fucker went.

People on the street glanced at me. I assumed my face had taken on an expression of surprise and fury.

There was something going on here. That, or I was completely mad. People didn't just vanish. But I guess hallucinations did. The evidence that I was looking for seemed to just confuse me further.

As I looked up, a man with goat horns and a goat like beard walked down the street wearing a very nice looking navy suit. I blinked then rubbed my eyes for good measure. What the...? He nodded at me with a smirk. I just stared as he continued past. No one else was looking at him, but he had foot long freaking goat horns sticking out of his head. Wasn't that not normal?! I mean seriously?

I scanned the rest of the street. A short older woman with bright pink hair was on the other side of the road. She carried a bag of mice. Their little white head popped over the edge of the bag and she bopped them until they fell back down. One crawled up and over too quickly. She snatched it out of the air as it fell and she popped it in her mouth. I gasped. Her gold eyes darted towards me as she chewed the small creature. When she was finished she smiled at me with a mouth full of bloody pointed teeth. I couldn't look away. She kept walking until she vanished around the next corner.

I slid my back down the wall, half in horror and half in utter exhaustion. That was it, I was going mad. I was done. I had lost my mind completely. I was so frustrated with myself, I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. It was never easy for me to cry, but I always felt better when I did. But here, now, I just couldn't. The tears wouldn't come to give me sweet release. I wouldn't be graced with release to clear my mind and work things over. Instead I was stuck here baffled and frustrated. My mind had gone and all that was left was this weird reality that I was seeing things that weren't there.

Instead I began to laugh. It started as a giggle. Slowly it grew into a full belly laugh that brought tears to my eyes. The pitch grew higher as the laugher burst out of control in to a full on cackle. I had nothing, I was nothing, and now I was seeing things that were nothing. Mila was gone. I couldn't pay rent. My car was broken. This was it. A full on mental break. I climbed to my feet. People scurried away from me as I shrieked out my madness.

The clouds overhead darkened. Small droplets splashed on my white T-shirt. I walked to the middle of the street. I had nothing. I was nothing. I would always be nothing. My laugher grew tight and high. People stopped and stared. This was it. This was the end.

I walked down the middle of the street. Cars honked and drove around me, stepping on the accelerator hard as they passed to show their impatience with someone having a complete mental breakdown. No one stopped. No one cared. They only watched the show. I must have walked two miles that way. Before I knew it, I was standing in the middle of the bridge over high cold water. My T-shirt was soaked through but my body didn't shake. I knew it was the end. Every part of me knew that I was done.

My throat was dry, but small giggles still escaped me. The crowd followed me with a healthy amount of space. Several people among them had colored hair or horns. I knew they weren't real. I was just seeing things. The thunder clouds overhead grew darker. The rain splattered harder causing the crowd to disperse. I stood at the edge of the bridge looking down at the gray rushing water. I hated water, but it felt like a fitting end. It was cold, silent, and dark, just like how Mila went.

"Alright shadow man, whatever hallucination you are, and whatever crazy s**t I'm seeing, it's either this, or the looney bin. And we all saw how that turned out for Mom. At least this way it will be quick."

I set my hands on the edge of the concrete wall and climbed over. My feet took up the narrow ledge as I looked down.

"I have nothing, I am nothing, I will always be nothing," I whispered.

I spread my arms out.

A wall of darkness formed behind me. Big billowing clouds of it swarmed around me. My fingers and toes tingled until they were numb.

It was time. I took a breath to calm my giggles. It was over. I tipped forward on my toes, ready to let gravity pull my weight forward. One last fleeting thought of the shadow man flitted through my mind. I remember his arms around me. He was the only person to hold me like that in years. I wished I had gotten a chance to see his face. It didn't really matter if he was handsome or not, but it would have given me something to hold in my mind rather than just the smell of embers.

"Alright shadow man, here it goes."

I tipped forward and let gravity take me. My body fell slowly forward until I was over the edge. My feet left the ledge. I was falling. The sudden rush in my stomach was exciting and frightening as the water rushed towards me. My body automatically tipped into a diving position with arms outstretched ahead of me.

The cold water crashed around me as I entered the deep river. I was hoping to be passed out for this part. Instead my arms flailed violently as I fought the frigid rushing water. The cold water seized my lungs as I coughed and sputtered. My mind wanted to stop, but my body wouldn't give up. It didn't matter. I wouldn't win this battle no matter how hard my body fought. It was over and I would finally be free of this world. I had tried my best, but it wasn't good enough.