Lonesome Men

Chapter 1 Darren glanced at his son and felt a trace of envy. Jesse had his whole life ahead of him. He’d be graduating college in June, and had a sweet girlfriend in Leah. She was a year older than Jesse, had already graduated, and held down a full-time job as an assistant manager at a prestigious art gallery. Soon he’ll be moving out, leaving me all on my own. He smiled wryly at that idea. Darren had been alone from the time of his divorce until a few months after his ex-wife had met ‘the man of her dreams’—to hear her tell it. The problem was, dream man didn’t want kids. Thus it was decided that eleven-year-old Jesse would live with Darren. The transition had been rough at first, despite the fact that Darren had had visitation rights from the day the divorce was final. But Jesse had eventually settled into his new life and filled a void Darren hadn’t even realized was there. “Dad?” “Umm?” “Why the hell did I decide I wanted to be an architect?” Jesse grumbled. “Maybe because it’s been your passion since you were fifteen and spent the summer working with Uncle Mike?” Jesse chuckled. “There is that, but damn.” With a sigh he went back to studying for his last mid-term. Darren remembered that summer well. Mike owned Cameron Architecture, a highly respected residential design firm in the city. One evening when he’d come to dinner, Jesse had asked if he could visit him at work. Mike said he’d probably be bored stiff but if he wanted to, he could. Jesse had and then began bugging Mike to let him spend the summer there. “There has to be something I can do. Right?” That was Jesse’s plea when his uncle seemed doubtful. After some thought, Mike agreed that Jesse could be a gofer. “After all, there’s always someone who needs coffee or someone to deliver things for them so they don’t have to stop what they’re working on. It’s not a romantic job, but if you want it, it’s yours.” Jesse had jumped on the chance. From the day he started until summer was over, all he talked about was what he was learning. Apparently, according to Mike, Jesse had managed to make friends with a couple of the architects. They let him watch and explained what they were doing. “They even listen to me when I have a suggestion,” Jesse said proudly. “Not,” he added ruefully, “that they make any changes but they do tell me why, so I’m learning a lot.” Thus a budding architect had been born. In June, he’d be out of school and working for Mike full-time. Jesse closed his books with what sounded like a sigh of relief mixed with trepidation. “At this point, I either know it or I never will,” he said. “You do, and you’ll pass with flying colors,” Darren assured him. Coming over to sit at the other end of the sofa, Jesse looked at his father. “You know, once I’ve moved out there’s going to be an extra bedroom. You should find someone to fill it.” His smiled guilelessly. Darren snorted. “When that happens, I’m turning it into a study.” “That’s no fun. You need a roommate, or I guess housemate. A man to help share the duties around here.” “Like you do?” Darren asked with a laugh. “Hey, I hold up my end when I’m not studying.” “Yeah, I know. Leah will love that.” “We’ve already worked out a chore list. Now all we need to do is find the right apartment. One that’s not too far from either of our jobs and is affordable.” “You still have time.” “Not much. She needs to be out of her place at the end of the month. It still begs the question of how you’re going to find someone to move in here when I’m gone.” “That is not happening.” “We’ll see.” “Young man, whatever you’re plotting, forget it. I’ll be fine on my own. I was for all the years before you moved in. There’s no reason I can’t be again.” “Well, if you don’t want a roommate, at least find someone to…how does grandma put it? Keep company with?” Darren chuckled. “Yeah, that’s what she says, and that’s not happening either. I don’t need a man in my life. I tried it with…hell, what was his name?” He pretended to forget. “Nigel,” Jesse said, looking amused. “He was an ass and then some.” Jesse knew Darren was gay. It had been no secret since soon after he’d come to live with him. It wasn’t something Darren hid—now. It had been back when he’d gotten married. He wasn’t out then. Hell, I didn’t even admit it to myself, to say the least of letting anyone else know. It wasn’t until after Jesse was born that he’d begun to come to terms with the fact that his marriage was a sham, and it was his fault. He cared about Helen. She was a good woman. But she wasn’t what he needed. When that realization finally hit home he’d thought long and hard about what he should do. Finally he bit the bullet. One evening, after Jesse was down for the night and Darren and Helen were settled in the living room, he said, “Helen, we have to talk.” “That sounds serious,” she replied with a bit of a smile. “It is.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve tried to be a good husband, and now a good father.” “You’ve done very well at it, too. So why do I think that’s about to change?” Her expression darkened. “Have you found someone else?” “No. I’ve just…Damn, this is hard.” “Then spit it out fast. That’s the best way.” “All right. It’s taken me a long time…too long, to accept something I’ve tried my damnedest not to.” He stared down at his clenched hands. “I do love you, in my way, but that’s not enough. It’s not fair to you.” “What are you trying to say?” “I think…No, I know I’m gay.” Unbelievably, she replied, “I wondered if you were. Probably before you even came to terms with it yourself. It doesn’t take a genius to see that you’re not exactly interested in s*x with me. You manage it, but even before Jesse was born it seemed to be more of a duty for you than anything else.” She moved closer, putting her hand on his arm. “At first I was sure you’d found another woman and were having an affair. But you never had any of the classic excuses for being—I guess uninterested in making love to me, other than being tired because of your job.” She squeezed his arm. “Trust me when I say that, at the beginning, I made sure you really were out on patrol, and not using it as an excuse when you were actually sleeping with someone else.” He managed a smile. “Yeah, I got ribbed about that. ‘Jealous wife?’ was the most prevalent comment.” “I was, for a while. Then, when I figured out you weren’t playing around, I decided it had to be something else. It took some time, but I came to the conclusion you were so deep in the closet you didn’t even know yourself what was going on with you. That’s why I never said anything. Now, it turns out I was right.” “Yeah, you were,” he replied, kissing her temple. “I’m truly sorry. I wish…” “Darren, there’s nothing to be sorry about. You can’t change who you are.” She leaned against him, looking up in question. “What do we do now?” “We could go on the way we have been, but that wouldn’t be fair to you.” “Or you,” Helen said softly. “Do you want a divorce?” He sighed deeply. “It would be for the best I guess.” “I think so. We can set it up so you have visitation rights to see Jesse whenever you want.” “Thank you!” “Well, you are his father, and in spite of this he deserves you. Okay, that didn’t come out quite right. He deserves to have a good man in his life. That would be you.” The divorce had been finalized three months later. And now Jesse was pushing for him to get into a relationship? Or that’s what Darren thought was going on. Not that he would have minded too much if it happened. It had been a long time since he’d had a male friend who was more than that. His first relationship after his divorce, with a man he’d met at a club, had ended when he’d found out Jesse was coming to live with Darren. The guy in question might as well have been a carbon copy of Bill, Helen’s new husband, from the way he’d reacted. He didn’t want a kid hanging around, end of story. So Darren had, with some relief he realized later, ended their affair. Next came Nigel. He was a nice man who, unfortunately, had trouble coping with the fact that Darren was a cop. Still…No, I’m going to make the most of being alone. No problems, no wondering if I’m making the right choices. Me, only me, and, hell who knows? A dog? Jesse will kill me if I get one. I never let him do that. He smiled in amusement. “Now what?” Jesse asked. “I was just thinking, I’ll do what you’re suggesting and get a housemate. A puppy.” “Dad,” Jesse muttered. “That is not what I meant.” “I know, but for now it’s the best you get.” * * * * “Exactly how do you plan on doing it?” Leah asked Jesse, Friday afternoon. Jesse waited to answer until he’d parked in front of the building where they were going to look at yet another apartment. It was something they’d spent the day doing because his mid-terms were over and Leah had been able to trade shifts with a co-worker. “No clue,” he told her, turning off the car. “But he needs someone in his life.” “It’s not like you’re going to desert him,” she pointed out, stepping onto the sidewalk to wait for him to join her. “I know. But still…He’s been celibate way too long.” Linking her arm with his, she said, “Has he complained about it?” “Well, no.” “Is he an adult who can make his own decisions?” “Of course, but he won’t find someone if he doesn’t look so I figure if I can point him at some man…” “Jesse, playing matchmaker for your father is really not a good idea.” “I’m not. I’m…” He laughed. “Okay, so maybe I am. Still, nothing ventured.” By then he was pressing the button for the manager’s apartment. A disembodied voice came over the speaker, asking who was there. Jesse explained and they were buzzed in. A moment later a man greeted them in the lobby, introducing himself as Malcom Tanner. He was of medium height with salt-and-pepper hair and a ready smile. “The apartment’s on the fourth floor,” he told them, heading toward the elevator. “Living room, a small dining area, kitchen, and two bedrooms.” Jesse resisted saying they’d only need one. He figured that wasn’t Malcom’s business unless they decided to rent. They could use the second one for guests or as a home office. Twenty minutes later Malcom had finished showing them around. “What do you think?” he asked. “If we can have a minute to talk about it,” Jesse replied, thankful when the man nodded and stepped into the hallway. “So?” “So it’s the best one we’ve looked at and the rent is reasonable,” Leah replied. “I can move in at the beginning of the month and you can join me as soon as you’ve graduated.” Jesse grinned. “Oh, I’ll be joining you long before then, just not with all my stuff.” She swatted his arm. “You know what I meant, you nut.” “What do you think of Malcom?” “He seems nice enough, I guess. Why?” “Just wondered. He’s not married.” “You know this how?” Jesse wiggled his ring finger. “No ring.” “That doesn’t mean anything. A lot of married men don’t wear one. He’s probably got a wife and three kids.” “Or not.” Jesse glanced at the Malcom, who was leaning against the hallway wall, waiting for them. “He’s older than my dad, I think, but not by…” “Jesse,” Leah hissed. “Quit. Even if he is single that does not mean he’s gay. Geesh.” Jesse shrugged. “I know. I’m, umm, scouting out possibilities.” “You are something else. Okay, do we want this place?” “I think so. As you said, it’s the best we’ve seen so far by a long shot.” “Then let’s get it.”