LETHAL MIND

Depression

I could barely wake up . My head was literally pounding inside . My eyes were weak and I felt boneless . I realized I was in a hospital , probably the town's hospital . I wanted to ask for how long I have been in that state but I couldn't find my words . It all came back to me , Day was gone.

Mom seemed so relieved when she realised I was awake . She approached me to check if I was good . God she looked very tired ,baggy eyes ,dry face ,messy hair like she hadn't had a good sleep for ages . like ,If zombie was a person it would surely be her .

I couldn't stand seeing her like this ,we both broke into tears . Dad moved out immediately ,guess he couldn't stand the pityful sight of us . We looked so miserable .

How could Day do this to us ,that was so selfrish of her , taking away her own life ? ,I couldn't even ask what happened exactly ,like what was her reason and looks like she didn't say anything cause mom never told me anything ,I wasn't ready to hear it . A few hours ago she seemed alright to me ,she seemed very fine ,she didn't say anything apart from that she was hanging out with Kay that night since I refused to go with them and that was all. Kay .... ,could he know what happened to her ,does he have a hand in this ? . God it's suicide Dawn ,no one has a hand in it .

She didn't even say good bye ,no warnings ,no signs ,nothing . How could she even hide such a thing from me ,I mean what she was going through that was that bad ,how could someone be so hurt but still act as cool as ever like nothing was wrong?. Day was the strongest person I knew so much so that I got my strength from hers . She'd give me part of it when I needed it. She never let anything or anyone walk on her . She was my hero . Whenever I was bullied in school ,she'd defend me . I remember in our 3rd year in Secondary school ,She even beat that b***h Nelly who was accusing me of stealing her boyfriend Kay ,like who fights over a Boyfriend these days? .Yo don't get me wrong , I don't support violence but she deserved what Day gave to her . wait did I just say that?.

I gained my identity from Day ,I'd always call myself her opposite ,Like whatever she was , everyone and I just knew that am the opposite so now that she is gone ,who am I .Who will share my most embarrassing secret with ,who will I laugh at all the guys with? . Why would she do this . Looking at the both of us ,if someone had to commit suicide it had to be me not my twin .I was the one likely to suffer from Depression or whatever can cause someone to do that . I always admired my sister she'd get through anything so why now ? ,why did she give up ? ,is it her break up with Jake ? ,but she seemed cool about it . She never spoke of death as of course ,how suicidal people would .

Day why did you do this me? ,why did you leave me ? ,what did I do to you ,where did I really go wrong ?.

Mom tried to make me have something to eat but I couldn't eat . I couldn't digest anything at the moment . Then I realized that this is what heartbreak felt like ,when all that you love doing seems meaningless to you because of the pain you are going through. I didn't speak ,nor eat ,nor even take a bath . I didn't even know where my phone was at the moment and I didn't care and to me that was serious because I loved **.

The Doctor adviced Mom to make my friends come over to see if they could cheer me up cause she couldn't keep giving me the vitamins and drips. "I don't want to see anyone " I said but they didn't take me seriously . They went ahead to invite Ada and Jamol .

The room was silent ,Ada and I didn't say a word to each other since she arrived and I liked it like that ,I loved the silence ,I needed more silence so I could think so I could calm down the voices in my head . I wanted to ask where Jamol was but then I realized that he was probably going through as much as I was or maybe less ,who cares?.

But come to think of it ,He lost a love he didn't even have . It must feel weird losing what you didn't have .Then I taught of Kaydan ,did he know ? ,did he hear? .Of course he did silly . He must feel bad too poor him.

The room was silent for a while ,mum left us to go freshen up and take care of some stuffs concerning the burial . Ada broke the silence with a sigh and she said " I know how you feel ,when I lost my puppy ,I wa......."

"shut up" I said .

"wha-what did you say? "

"I said SHUT UP b***h ,SHUT THE f**k UP ! "

"How could you ? ,How Could you compare the THE FUCKEN LIFE OF A HUMAN BEING TO THAT OF A FUCKEN PUPPY ARE MAD, STUPID OR DUMB ?"

"No that is not what I ment I was ju-"

"GET OUT"

"what is wrong with you Dawn ?"

"GET THE f**k OUT"

"You are crazy " she said in a scared tone

"Alright ,YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU HOW CRAZY I AM?" ,I asked while trying to reach to her and obviously harm but the drips were holding me back.

"NURSE!! ,NURSE! she cried out for help like she was attacked by some zombie .Well I won't be surprised if I looked like one ,I hadn't showered for days.

The nurses rushed in and some held me tight ,Ada was crying profusely ,she looked so shocked and hurt as she walked out of the room and I didn't even feel bad for her . Then it hit me . This issue had changed me ,the whole situation had changed alot in me .

I was never the violent type but look at me now , anyway who cares ? ,what has being good done to me anyway ,my own sister didn't see me worthy enough to know her most profound secrets. Those were my last thoughts before I drowned into another sleep from the injections I recieved.

I woke up again with mom by my side , She looked better ,not as bad as before . She wore a little smile on her face. "You awake " she said but I didn't respond . "You have to eat something I beg you , please,you need to live for her" she said . I still didn't respond . We sat there in silence for a long time before she broke it ." I'll leave this here she said as she left the room .

It was a sandwich and a glass of juice . My Tummy started grumbling .Maybe I should grab a bite I said to myself . I wasn't grabbing a bite though I finished my meal in no time .It was perfect ,my favourite . Dawn's favourite too. The juice was okay. too . After that I let my thoughts pull me to sleep.

I was hospitalised for about 2weeks ,the doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't suffering from PTSD or from Depression ,inorder to convince them that I was fine and leave that soffocating place ,I had to act fine . I ate my 3 square meals and said a few words. I had nightmares though , mostly about some dark cloud swallowing Day or Day being murdered .

Finally the doctor agreed to discharge me ,she gave me drugs for the nightmares and said I was going to be fine in no time . I admit ,I looked forward to being fine but in no time ? ,I don't think so .

The drive was long,Dad was on the steering ,Then I noticed for a very busy man as he claimed ,he has been around for a while now . "No one ever really cares about you until you die that's when they might care". Yes I know I said I understand him but Day loved him so so much ,maybe if he was around she could have spoken to him ,like told him what was wrong? .

Home seemed different , extremely different . It was unusually quiet and mysterious . What did I expect ,Day was the happybag of the family and I . She always made places lively . She'd force us to dance ,sing and play games with her. Who was going to do all that ,Did Day realise how her absence would affect everyone? .

Mom offered to prepare the visitors room for me but I decided to sleep in our room ,I mean Day and I . I know it had so many memories but there are these memories that I want to remember. It's the only thing I have left of my sister ,I rather keep it than to run away from it and sleep properly . And as I thought sleeping was difficult too ,We used to talk each other to sleep with our silly problems ,now it was empty without her ,to tell you the truth ,I don't know if I would be able to live without my sister .

"Why did you do this to me Day? " ,I asked as I lay on her bed . You never said anything, you never even showed me any sign ,Day yo-you never even said goodbye ,no message for me ,no good bye . Nothing at all ,Day how will I live without you ,I don't care about anyone except you . Ada and Jamol don't matter more than you do so you know that you left me alone here ,yo-you le-le-left me alone ,I said outloud tears flowing like Endless waters . Half of me was gone and I couldn't get her back ,I cried my self to sleep again ,guess that was my new hubby .

The Burial plan was scheduled ,as usuals ,The holy Mass ,the Burial and a little reception. There were enough funds because our school ,the Society ,my parents friends supported us with what they could afford . I hadn't gone to school for about a month and mum suggested that I resume school immediately after the burial ,"I don't know ,I would think about it" is all I said .

Days went by ,characterised by condolences visits and flowers ,they don't get it so they ? .

Amongst them was Jamol ,he never really said much "I know how you feel was all he said" and it was in obvious pain .I was fighting to be a strong for her sale because I know she would have wanted me to.

The Day finally arrived . What I feared most was seeing her corpse secondly my speech ,I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to write about my sister on paper . Anyways I'll let it flow is what I told myself .

I was looking for what to wear ,that's how I realized that I lost alot of weight cause my clothes were literally baggy on me . Fortunately mom bought me a black gown ,the price tag was pretty expensive , can't remember the exact prize but I know it wasn't cheap .The mass was good ,I can't really tell you about it because I didn't focus on it ,my mind was on two things the speech and seeing my twin .

Finally it came ,Mom's speech was a little lame ,she kept on crying . My focus was to make the world know what they have lost and I had to say it clearly so they listen so I begun forgetting the large crowd , before me and my fear of crowds. Like I said ever since she died nothing really mattered to me . So I didn't care if I made a mistake or not and dare you mock me some other sides of me will be awoken

" We called each other bro because we admired the strength of the relationship between brothers .Day was a positive vibe ,She spread good energy to everyone around her. She was selfless. You never know the pain of losing someone until it visits you ,until the pain cuts through you heart like a rusted saw as it chops every part of it . That is how I feel ,I never even knew that one day I would speak of my twin in the past tense ,so finally we all are just living corpse on earth waiting for our turn .I know Heaven is lucky because they have her ,guess the Angels will be entertained" . The whole church started clapping as I finished . I felt a little relief . Then searched in the crowd but I couldn't find Kaydan ,I couldn't find Ada either but I understood and I never really mattered to me ,

Where is Kayden ? ,was he going to miss the burial of his own best friend? .

Seeing the corpse broke me mentally ,she looked as though she was sleeping and could wake her up ,I started asking her to wake up , I started crying heavily and two people held me ,Day can't be gone I yeld ,No-no she can't be gone for good ,I said refusing to join reality and still dream . The most painful part for me was when I watched them cover my sister with soil .At that point I really realized that she's really gone and it's finally over .

By then Still no signs of Kaydan ,that was very fishy ,How would someone miss their best friends burial . His parents were present though ,not him.

My grand parents equally came and many other relatives like aunties ,uncle ,and much more.

I felt love and supporrted though ,but my true love giver was gone .

I tried going to school after the burial but people kept talking about it ,asking me questions and more to piss me off ,so I finally stopped going ,I had so Friends anyways so nothing to lose.

In idleness I usually cut myself just to ignore that current pain that was bothering me . It gave me many scars ,I started drugs too and drinking alot ,my parents got very worried for me . I had so many scars on my wrist . Mom arranged with a psychiatric hospital to take me for treatment ,I never wanted to leave at all ,I wanted to remain beside the memories of my sister that is all that mattered to me . I tried to convince mom but she was convinced that that is what I need . Seriously I thought she was kidding until the morning I left for

that hospital.

"You spend your time on your phone researching on suicide ,hurting yourself , Screaming at night and day and anytime you feel as to . You cut your friends off ,you barely eat ,You don't go to school anymore ,you don't read anymore not even the notes you are pose to read , You take drugs that I don't even know where you get them from ,You go out a night so often with some kind of kids like you never do that and you want me to think you are fine ? For God's sake Dawn do you even hear yourself talk " . She yelled in abvious pain ,that hit hard though,I never realised my actions were that serious ,but hey ! I couldn't carry all the blame ?.so I tried to defend my self .

"Do you even know the pain I go through ? Have you ever asked me about it ,you sit there in your pretty little corner adoring your perfect job with your husband and act like you sad about me ?. Like look at dad he is never around mom ,Never ,and all of a sudden he comes home for dinner and thinks that will fix anything ?.I yelled back .For the first time mom slapped me .

"You don't talk to the people who raised you like that !! " she said in anger .

"It is settled they are taking you " dad concluded .

That was the Gogo for these people to drag me along ,I kept on screaming No to no avail ,for me it sounded like Yes to them .

So now am psycho ? ,now am crazy ,so am the little girl who needs treatment ? . I couldn't even imagine how it would look like and that was my fear ,the fear of what I don't know . But one thing that I was sure about is I would certainly give them a hard time