If I Were You

“Ms Murray. Come with me please,” the woman says as she opens the door and gestures for Lily to be quick. She escorts her as they pass through a long familiar bricked hallway, but the feeling is still foreign and surreal, just like the first time. The pale interiors seem never-ending, and the walls stretch and curve like a maze, like there is no way out and hopes are just lost. Everything is quiet except for the sounds of clanging and footsteps and some occasional voices of people talking, grunting, and shouting coming from within the walls. The noises are muffled, though, like they are so far away now, but then again, these noises were all she ever heard. It’s still so loud, and Lily's eyes close as she feels a sharp headache and ringing in her ears. Cold sweat starts dripping, but she has to keep walking, and all the while, she is half hoping that it is just a dream and she will eventually wake up from death itself. But death is not an option, so she cups her palms against both her ears because right now, it feels like every other midnight again—no sleep, just fear. “Liliane Murray,” a woman at a booth calls out. “Ms. Murray,” she calls for the second time, and Lily's hands fall to her sides, back from her long trance, but the past and the present merge together, and she has no idea where in the timeline she is now. “You’re going home, Murray. Congratulations,” the female guard notions as she hands Lily a duffle bag with something inside. Confused, Lily carries it nonetheless, and as quickly as her childhood once ended, she is escorted out from door to door until they reach outside to a tall dark heavy metal gate. It opens, and just like that, the gate closes behind her, leaving her alone in the sun. It takes Lily a full 15 minutes to finally register that she is actually out. And within those 15 minutes, her eyes are open, and the feelings of betrayal seep into her as she falls, holding her chest in pain. It hurts so much. She remembers now. She remembers how she was forcefully dragged here. She remembers all the sleepless nights. She remembers all the noises, the talks. She especially remembers the stares, and they were the loudest. “Lily… honey, it’s mum,” Mrs. Murray calls as she crouches down, and her hand reaches for her daughter’s head, caressing her. Lily looks up and remembers the face she missed the most. A hug is inevitable, and Lily sobs, but sobs turn into silence, and silence turns into a growl. Lily pushes her mom back, freeing herself from her grip. “How could you!” Lily shouts. “…while I was protecting YOU!” she continues, her voice cracking, feeling absolutely betrayed. It is heartbreaking to hear. “I’m sorry, but you don’t understand,” Mrs. Murray says, stuttering, and trickles of tears start to fall. “I don’t understand?” Lily exclaims in astonishment. “You’re right, I don’t understand. I was wrong thinking that I was as important.” Lily says. “You have no idea how much you broke my heart,” Lily says as her tears start running too. Mrs. Murray tries reaching out for her hand to comfort her, but Lily turns her away. “No, don’t come near me. You scare me. Leave me alone. I’m off age. I’ll fend for myself,” Lily demands, but her mother keeps taking small steps towards her, cautious. “Don’t come near me!” Lily shouts, and her mother stops dead in her tracks, sensing the infinite fear in Lily's voice. “Please just at least take this,” her mother says, handing her a credit card. Lily contemplates for a good minute before eventually snatching it from her mother’s hand and taking off. She never slows down or looks back while Mrs. Murray’s eyes are fixed on her daughter until she is too far away to even make out a figure. ••• It isn’t clear what is running through her head or what she plans to do, but Lily keeps on going, running and then walking and then running again as if, if she stops, she would see her mother a few steps behind her, and that’s the last thing she wants. Something is vibrating from inside the duffle bag. She looks around anxiously before placing the bag on the ground to go through it. On the very top was a sweater. Her hand reaches to it, feeling the softness and warmth, but when she wore it that one cold night, all the layers she had on seemed useless. She could feel the cold in her bones, and she shivers as she thinks about it. zzz…zzz…zzz, it vibrates again, and Lily blinks, shaking the memories from her vision. She starts fumbling more vigorously now until, at the very bottom, is a phone. The caller ID is written as ‘Officer Becket.’ She hesitates for a slight second before finally deciding to pick up. The voice from the receiver is unfamiliar. Even though Lily has heard this voice multiple times a week in the past two years, somehow her brain shuts off those afternoon sessions from her memories, and everything is just blurry. ••• “How are you feeling today?” Officer Becket asked. The same question every single day. “You do understand these sessions are important, do you? You may see me as your counselor. Is there anything you would like to talk about today?” Officer Becket asked, but Lily was always silent throughout the whole session, only managing a few nods and shakes. Her sessions were always cut short because of how ‘uncooperative’ she was, they would report. Sometimes Lily would hear Officer Becket in the background talking to a superior officer about her condition. It was always the same concern. “How am I supposed to report her good behavior if she doesn’t even talk to me? She doesn’t do anything. If she’s in her cell, she just sits there. If she’s at the field, she just sits there. If she’s in my room, she just sits there. She’s just a shell.” Lily could hear all of it, and she wanted so badly to talk, to respond, but she just couldn’t. It was like she was trapped in her own body. Inside, she was thrashing to come out, but she couldn’t. ••• “Ms. Liliane Murray? Are you there? Liliane?” the woman on the phone asks. “Yes,” Lily answers. “It’s Officer Becket. It’s nice to hear your voice. For your information, I will be the one to assist you regarding any welfare after your release. The phone and the number you have now will be yours to use,” Lily is quiet. “Is this all registering to you? Is there anything I could help with?” she continues. The line is still quiet for a while, and Officer Becket waits for what seems like a whole minute before Lily finally says something. “Um, I need a place to stay,” Lily says. “Oh, I was informed that you will be staying with your mother?” Officer Becket adds. “Oh no, no I’m not…” Lily says as her voice trails off, but Officer Becket doesn’t pester. “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll get back to you as early as 5 p.m.,” she says and hangs up. Lily decides to wander off more. Looking at the time, it is only 2 p.m. She doesn’t realize it at first, but when the call with Officer Becket ends, she’s met by sudden nostalgia. Subconsciously, all this time, she was walking towards her neighborhood. The place where it all started and the same place where everything became messy. ••• Lily's life wasn’t always bad. There used to be a time where she still could remember how happy they were as a family. Her parents were two young couples in love blessed with little sunshine, Liliane Johannes Murray. The love and care they had for each other, though, didn’t last that long. They were young, naive, and in love with the idea of love. They wanted a child, but Mrs. Murray couldn’t get pregnant. After a lot of discussion, they finally agreed to adopt, and when they met Lily, they saw hope in her. Lily was just a baby, and when they first came home with her, everything seemed like it was going to be a dream come true for all three of them. Mr. Murray had always been an intelligent person. Mrs. Murray, on the other hand, was just a lovely woman. She was just an intern when she helped support her husband’s college fees. He wanted to be a lawyer. He made it eventually, and when he started making more than his wife, he changed. He became boastful, and as baby Lily grew bigger and bigger, she decided it was best for one of them to stay home to fully take care of Lily. Mr. Murray was also a stingy man. He hated the idea of his wife spending his hard-earned money. He didn’t say it, but his actions towards her did. What started from an accidental slap that ended with ‘I’m sorry,’ turned into beatings that ended with bruises, cuts, and endless curse words. All of Lily's remaining childhood was spent almost every night helping to treat her mother’s wounds. Every time they heard the sound of a car passing, they would be on alert, scared that the father was already home from work. By the time they actually heard the front door slam and dragged footsteps approaching, Lily and her mother would already snuggle up in Lily's room, hiding and avoiding him at all costs. Even then, her mother never once cried in front of her, no matter how severe her wounds were. But the second that knife pierced her husband’s stomach, she screamed and cried like her life depended on him. And that makes Lily so angry just thinking about it for every second of every day for the last two years sitting in her cell room. That was all she was thinking about. That night when it all happened. Maybe that’s why she never talked to anyone—she was still stuck in that night. “I should’ve just left them,” Lily would think, but whether she meant it or not, her cries after would suggest that she didn’t.