The Lost Wife

ANNA:                 I try to open my eyes, but they feel so heavy I can only lift them enough for a small ray of light to break the darkness before they shut again. Again, I try, fighting to overcome the weight of my eye lids, but fail. Each attempt is almost painful. Finally, I am able to open my eyes completely. I attempt to take in my surroundings, but everything is so bright my eyes can not focus, leaving me lost in a blur of light. I allow my eyes so scrape close, feeling as though my eyelids are lined with sandpaper. I attempt to lift my right hand up to rub my eyes, hoping to provide some relief to the dryness, when I realize my hand is being held down by something. I tug a little and feel a squeeze on my hand. Terrified, I realize it is another person’s hand holding on to my own. I tug again and feel something next to my knee start to move, rubbing against the bed and my leg. The bed creaks as the thing next to me leg lifts off the mattress as I feel the strangers hand squeeze my hand again.                 “Anna? Anna, are you awake?” My heart begins to thump within my chest so hard that I fear the person speaking to me will see it bursting from my chest. The pounding getting louder, moving from my chest throughout the rest of my body, the sound is so loud within my ears that I can not hear the voice clearly, just muffled noises behind the intensifying sound of my own heart. The sound gets so loud that I feel as though I can not breathe anymore. Before I can even think my body gives out and I drift back into sleep.                 I am running through the dark, there is nothing to be seen, just an empty consuming blackness and an unknown voice screaming for me. “Anna!” I am running, but I have no idea if I am even going anywhere. My arms are stretched out in front of me hoping to stop myself from running into anything. I catch a glimpse of a light to the left and I start running towards it, hoping to break free from the darkness. The light keeps moving and suddenly everything around me becomes clear, I am in a forest and trees are whipping past me as I run. My feet are moving on their own, they are moving so fast that they barely make contact with the Earth beneath me. My chest is thumping, I gasp for air as ice cold rain starts to sting my face as I run faster and faster through the thick brush and trees. The rain is so hard now that I struggle to keep my eyes open. Trees are getting closer and closer together, it is becomes harder to move but I keep running at full speed, unable to stop. The light is still ahead, I am chasing it as fast as I can, but it doesn’t get any close. It feels like it is moving further from me. My body is on the brink of ability and I feel my legs tremble beneath me, aching to give out, but I fight forward. Something grabs my foot and I being to fall. I am free falling towards the light now, the trees and rain have gone, the wind is whooshing past my ears as I fall. I reach for the light and it comes rushing towards me. I put up both arms and cover my face and, as the light reaches me, I hear screeching, crunching, and shattered glass. I scream.                 I gasp for air and realize I have awakened. I struggle to remember what happened. Was there someone here with me? Who was that, and where am I? As I lay, eyes closed, trying to remain calm, I fight to remember what happened. There was someone here, and they were holding my hand. I think they were sleeping with their head on my bed. Was that what was next to my leg? They knew my name, but their voice… I don’t know that voice. Who could they have been. I muster up enough courage to try and move my hand, still terrified that someone may be holding it again. My heart starts to race as my anxiety increases, but I yell at myself to stop, remain calm. Nervously I wiggle the fingers on my right hand just enough to see if there is anything holding them down, but they are free. I sigh a soft sigh of relief, trying not to draw any attention to myself incase there is someone near. I swallow, a hard gulp, and work up the courage to do the same with my left hand. I feel my chest lifting and falling hard as I try to feign being asleep and look nonchalant. I decide it is now or never, and I move my left fingers just as I did the right, but nothing is there.                 Now is the moment of truth, I attempt to open my eyes. Slowly I lift my eye lids as much as I can, as their weight has not lessened from the last attempt. They crack open slightly and, though still blurry, I can see it is dark withing the room. I tentatively scan the room, careful to use only my eyes, not moving my head. I do not see anything moving within the darkened room. Confident I am alone; I attempt to raise my right hand to my face to rub my eyes like I failed to do earlier. My arm is made of lead, it won’t lift off the bed. In compromise with myself, I decide to slide my arm up to my face instead, forcing my arm to bend at the elbow and allow my hand to slide up my stomach, over my chest and neck, finally reaching my face. I rub my eyes softly as they are tender and feel swollen, my fingers feel alien to me, they do as they are told but in a manner that is so clumsy it is as if it their first time working. The rubbing feels good, it soothes some of the ache and dryness of my eyes, causing them to water and allowing tears to gently run down my cheeks. The moisture on my skin and in my eyes is a pool of water in a desert, an oasis of relief in a barren world. I allow my hand to drop by down to my side again, my whole body exhausted from the battle I just conquered.                 I rest for a moment, allowing my body to recover. I have won a small battle, but there is still an unknown war ahead of me. I decide the time is now to see who my opponent in this war is, and I open my eyes again. It is a fight I was prepared mentally for, but physically unsuited. It takes me three tires before I am able to open my eyes all the way again and survey my surroundings, but I have won! My eyes are open and I am now able to scan the room as things slowly come into focus. As I look about, I realize that I have no idea where I am, this room is not familiar, nor is the view out the window to the right of the bed I lay in. I continue to scan back and forth, allowing my head to pivot also, as more items come into focus in the dark. To the left of me I realize there is some machinery and a curtain blocking half the wall, to the right of me a chair and footstool positioned between the bed and a floor to ceiling window. In the far-right corner is a tall thin plant next to the window, two chairs and a small table. In the far-left corner there is a wooden sharp cornered armoire style cupboard. The left wall has a corridor leading to an open door where light is just slipping in. I begin to process everything slowly. I look down towards my feet and see myself laying in a bed, my head and feet elevated. Everything is sterile and plain, no decorations or frills. I wiggle my legs a little, they too are made of lead and require great force to move. I continue my scan of myself working up to my arms, blinking to focus better I realize there is something sticking out of the back of my left hand. I try to bring my hand to my face, but it is no use, my body doesn’t have enough energy. I continue blinking, willing my eyes to bring my hand into focus. Finally, my eyes adjust, and I stare at my hand.                 I look at my hand for what feels like ages before my sense returns to me and I realize what is going on. It is an IV taped to the back of my hand… I am in a private hospital room… I am in a hospital bed… Why am I here? What happened to me? Who was that person before? What is going on? All these thoughts racing through my mind begin to overwhelm me. My chest starts to move rapidly again, the pounding is returning to my ears with a vengeance. The pounding so loud that I feel as though my whole head is vibrating with each thud. I feel myself breathing faster, and faster, everything starts to go narrow before my eyes, what is happening to me? I try to call out for help, but I can not make a sound, and my body succumbs to punishing rhythm of my pounding heart and I drift into darkness again.                   I feel the warmth of the sun grazing my cheeks and I sigh a sigh of great relief. The sun is a totem of hope chasing away the horror of last night’s nightmare. “hmmmm…” The sound escaping my lips before I realize. “Anna?!” I am pulled from the bubble of warmth and smacked down hard into reality. My eyes pop open, horrified of what I might see. My eyes are still heavy, but the adrenaline pumping through my body is more than enough to overcome my weakness as my fight or flight instincts come to the foreground.                 “Anna?! You are awake! Oh baby, baby I am so happy. NURSE, SHE IS AWAKE!”                 I stare at the man seated in the chair next to the bed frozen in fear. He stands as he yells for the nurse and pulls my head into his chest, cradling my face in his hand as he gently presses my face against his beating chest. “Baby, I never thought I would see your beautiful eyes looking at me again, I was so scared,” he continues as he holds me. He begins to sniffle; I realize he is crying. His hand slowly starts to stroke my cheek and hair and he keeps me against his shaking chest, he is now sobbing and his whole-body shakes and he embraces me. I don’t know what to do, I am paralyzed with fear, unable to speak or move. I am laying limp within his arms when the nurse enters, my breathing is ragged, my heart is pounding.                 “Hello Annamaria, I am so glad to see you have come around. We have been eagerly awaiting. How are you feeling?” she asks with an upbeat tone and a Jamaican accent as she looks into my eyes with a light. She is tall and thin, her dark kinky hair in twist atop her head with a headband pushing her hair back off her face. She is in light grey scrubs, they are clean and stiff, with her badge hanging from her breast pocket, her miniature smiling face looking out at me with writing that says, “Cidya Parker, RN” Her skin is dark, smooth, and luminescent. As she moves closer to look into my eyes, I can smell the faint smell of argan oil coming from her hands, one of my favorite scents. My grandmother would use argan oil in my hair and on my skin, it is a scent that reminds me of home, love, safety… I breathe it in deeply and instantly feel a warm calm come over me. “Annamaria? Are you with us?” she asks, a warm and infectious smile on her face. I instantly like her.                 “Just Anna, please.” I croak. I am just now aware that my mouth is completely dry, my throat aches and I can’t remember the last time I spoke. I rub my tongue over my teeth, they feel gritty and dirty, tasting of stale saliva and unbrushed build up. I open my mouth a few times trying to moisten the Sahara Desert that has become of my mouth. Cidya smiles and turns, walks to a table just behind the curtain and returns with a plastic cup of cold water, holding it out to me. I try to lift my arms and they again feel impossible to move, glued to the sheet and bed beneath them. She smiles again, “Here love, let me help,” she says lowing the cup to my lips and allowing me to take in a much-needed drink. I take in the cold water and allow it to fill my mouth before swallowing, the cold easing the sting of my achy throat on its way down. I take another sip, feeling like this is the first time my mouth has been permitted to indulge in the joy of a fresh clean cold cup of water. She allows me one more big drink before lowing the cup and setting it aside.                 “So, Just Anna, how are you feeling? Do you know where you are and how you got here?” She asks, again, he accent cradling me in comfort and warmth, reminding me of my childhood.                 “I am in a hospital.” I croak, my through still tight and achy, “But I don’t know how I got here, or why I am here. I feel… heavy? My whole body feels like it is made of lead and I am being weighed down into this bed. My eyes feel heavy, dry and itchy… and my throat hurts.” As I speak she makes engaging eye contact with me, she nods as I relay my feelings, a small smile across her face.                 “Okay, I will make a note and go grab the doctor. I am Cidya, I am your nurse, if you need anything let me know. I am going to go get the doctor right now.” She smiles and nods reassuringly to me before she turns to walk out. I sigh deep and close my eyes covered in a blanket of tranquility, a small smile, similar to Cidya’s, across my lips.                 “Baby I am so glad you are okay,” I hear from the right of me as a hand reaches out and grabs my arm. Panic immediately sets in pushing away all the comfort that my nurse was able to lay upon me. My eyes quickly open and I turn to look at the man seated next to me. I forgot he was here. My heart is pounding, and I try to pull my arm away, but the strength needed is not there. I stare at him in horror, again paralyzed in my fear.                 “Anna, are you okay?” I detect panic in his voice. “Anna? You are panting. You face is sweating. Baby are you okay? Baby? NURSE?!” He yells over me towards the door before he jumps up and runs out into the hallway to look for Cidya. They both come in and Cidya stands in front of him next to my bed. “Anna, take a deep breath, try to count to four as you breath in through your nose, hold it for seven seconds and then breath out through your mouth for eight seconds. Come on, breath with me. In through your nose. One, two three, four. Good. Hold for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Good. Out the mouth, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Good! Again.” Cidya guides me through breathing a few more times until I am calm. My whole body feels weak again as all the adrenaline in my body is gone.                 “Can I have a minuet to examine Anna please?” she asks the man behind her, the intruder in my room, the phantom of my previous night’s nightmares. He nods to her, looks at me again with panic across his face, then turns to leave. Cidya turns to look at me, I can see the concern etched in her brows, but she smiles, trying to cover her true feelings. Even with the concern I can see behind the smile, her smile is still comforting. “Anna?” she says, asking me if I am with her. I nod. “Anna, I think you were having a panic attack. Will you talk to me about what you were feeling?” she asks as she reaches her hand out, placing it on my left shoulder. Tears spring to my eyes without a though and before I know it, I am sobbing uncontrollably. She gently rubs her hand against my shoulder, allowing me to cry for as long as I need. I get ahold of myself and look up into her face to see her ever present smile. “Okay?” she asks. I nod again. “Okay, then let us talk. Tell me what you were feeling before,” I look into her caring, comforting eyes, unable to find the words I want to use, the words I want to say. She waits patiently and I collect my thoughts. How do I explain? My lips open and my brain is blank, but my mouth spits out the words all on its own.                 “Who is that man and why is he here?” my mouth blurts out.                 She looks at me with a new look, concern is still there, but now something else. Something I can’t decipher. Confusion maybe, or pity. Her smile becomes uncomfortable and I can tell she is searching for what to say in response. We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity before she takes a deep breath in and says, “Anna, that is your husband.”