Loveless Marriage - My Second Wife Has A Baby

Ithal As I drive my way through the busy evening streets of Chennai, I look down at my hand on the steering wheel, to be more specific, at the simple wedding band around my ring finger. I am married now. For a second time. I want to laugh at myself though. Married for the second time yet I was the same undesired woman I always was. How pathetic! I wanted to pull it off my finger and throw it away when I noticed my husband Aadhi's ring which I remember, I slipped into his finger in the registrar's office- was missing. He had claimed a very simple marriage with just mine and his family around. I was more than okay with it since this wasn't the first time I was getting married. I have had a grand wedding once and that was enough. Aadhi had taken the ring off as soon as our two-minute-long wedding was over. But I couldn't come to do it. He is the man I had had a crush on since my hormones began to mess with my head. He is my cousin from my mom's side. Slowly that crush consumed me so much that I didn't realize when it turned into a cyclonic, unrequited love for him. He's the only man I have ever felt such strong feelings for even though, I was married to another man briefly. Aadhi was married once before too and unlike mine, his marriage was very successful. He was crazily in love with his wife, Priya and they were happily married until tragedy struck them. Even I feel that life was unfair to them. They were ripped off from each other and although I had always felt a jab of jealousy in my heart whenever I saw them happy together, I never wished this upon them. That is the reason why I married someone I didn't know at all. I wanted to move on and, most importantly move away from Aadhi and Priya. So that my evil eyes don't hurt them. I didn't love Shiva, my ex-husband but I truly believed I could fall in love with him over the years but I guess, life thought, I didn't deserve to be loved and cherished by a man. At times, I wonder what is so wrong with me. Why am I such a huge turn-off to all the men around me? As I grew up, I was told many times that I was pretty, if not drop-dead gorgeous like my sister, Nila, or my cousin, Mini. I know I am successful in my career and I am kind to everyone I come across, then what is that men see in me and want to take off? Sighing to myself, I tell myself to stop wallowing in self-pity. If men didn't find me interesting, then so be it. I have other people in my life who like my company. I would want to spend my life with them rather. Parking my car in the basement of our apartment building where I reside now with Aadhi, I take the stairs, two at a time. We live on the first floor so I never bother to take the elevator. I open the door with the bunch of keys that my maid handed to me on the night of my wedding when I first came to live here. It should have been my husband but he was way too busy mourning over his dead wife and drinking in one of the many bars that he owned in the city. Throwing my hospital coat into the laundry, I walk into the bathroom to take a shower. I know it is going to be a long and lonely Friday night. So, I decided to make better use of it. Taking out my research papers which I am working on, I sit down to finish them. Since I came back from Toronto after a failed marriage with my first husband, Shiva, a year back, I didn't want to sit idly at home. I started pursuing my higher education in Pediatrics and that kept me going for over a year until I was pushed into yet another scam of a marriage. My parents and my whole family made me believe that I was going to be happy in this marriage and yet I have a feeling that this one was going to hurt me even more than the previous one. It was around midnight when I heard the front door unlock. I am still sprawled on the floor with a dozen papers around me when Aadhi walks in, slightly swaying on his feet. He's drunk, again. I fight the urge to grit my teeth. Arranging the papers into a neat stack, I get up to greet him with a pleasant smile like a good wife should do, "Hi.." He looks at me for a little more than half a second before he averts his eyes away as if he cannot stand the sight of me. It annoys me and I have to ball my hands into tight fists to keep myself from saying something harsh. It's been a month and twelve days since our wedding but his behavior hasn't changed, if at all it has only worsened. "It's twelve-fifteen.." I try to say it in a way that doesn't sound like I am reprimanding him for coming so late, "you should be hungry. I made dinner for us.." "I had dinner at the bar.." He does not even finish his sentence before he slams the door to his office room on my face, making me flinch from the noise it produces. That's enough!! I tell myself as I storm towards his room and throw his door open. "Why are you doing this to me, Aadhi?" "What do you mean?" He asks, not bothering to spare me a single glance from his laptop. It's like I don't exist at all. "How long are you going to ignore me like this? It's been a month since our wedding.." I walk around his work desk to come to his side. "Why did you marry me if you are not interested in me? Finally, he looks up at me with an annoyed look in his eyes. "You know, I wouldn't have if I had a choice.." His words hurt like b***h but I am not going to give him the satisfaction of it. "You had a choice, Aadhi. You could have simply remained stubborn and single.." "A widower.." He corrects me. He gets up from his leather chair and stalks towards me in slow but determined steps, "Your parents begged me to marry you. They talked my parents into it and made them believe that since we both were miserable, we could be great together. I had no desire to marry you, marry anyone. I don't even want you here with me." Now that does the trick. Tears prick the back of my eyes and my chin wobbles. Shiva never hurt me like this. He never hurt me at all. He was a good and soft-hearted man I have ever come across. If it were in my hands, I would have never left him even if I knew I would get nothing from that marriage. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop the words that tumble from my mouth. "What is wrong with me? Why do all the men in my life find me so repulsive? Will I never get to live a normal married life?" He stares at me and something close to pity gleams in his charcoal-black eyes. But I don't want his pity. I want to see love in them but I have also given up on that wish a long time back. He can never love again, his words, from our wedding night when he was courteous enough to drop me here before he vanished for the night. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and take a step back. "I'm sorry, I will leave you alone.." I start to leave but I am stopped by my wrist and before I know it, I am hauled against the wall and Aadhi's lips are on mine. What the...? No, I must be dreaming this. But the pounding under my ribs tells me I'm not. I get to smell the mixture of his cologne and the natural musk in his scent and it's making my knees go slimy. Just then Aadhi growls against my mouth and he sounds angry. I wonder what he's angry about. I have no idea what he wants but I don't let my inexperience meddle with us. "Open your mouth and let me in, Ithal.." He is the only family member who calls me by my full name. Even Ela, Mini's husband who was adopted into our family calls me Ithu at times. Ignoring the stabbing thought, I do as I am told. He groans when our tongues meet. My hands freeze to my sides and I don't know what to do with them. Luckily, he doesn't take notice of my amateur self and carries me to his desk. "Will you leave me alone if I f****d you?" I cringe at the crudity of his words. Is that what he thinks I want? "Isn't that why you are always breathing down my neck?" He thrust himself against my clothed core. "I will be glad to f**k you if you leave me alone.." I want to cry but I don't. If this is how I get him, then it's fine with me. I mentally shove the image of us making sweet love for the first time out of my head. I guess that is not written in my fate. It is for girls like Mini and Nila, not for me. Someone who is always unwanted. I only deserve one-sided love. My heart rate spikes when I hear his zipper. I scoff when he stands in between my thighs and peels off my underwear impatiently. He doesn't even bother to undress me. What an amazing first time!! Closing my eyes, I steady my erratically beating heart and braze myself for the impact. I can do this. I can do this. I boost myself but I panic when I feel the tip of him against my entrance. "Aadhi.." I touch his arm to tell him to slow down but it's too late already. He pushes inside me with a force to reckon but paralyzes his movement the next second. "What the f**k, Ithal?" He seethes, pulling away from me with twice the same speed he forced into me before gazing down between us where I am sure, I'm bleeding. Tears roll down my eyes, and I feel scared and ashamed all of a sudden. "You were married before.." He says, trying to make sense of the situation. I quickly sit up, covering myself desperately. "I should go.." I was not in a mood to explain myself right now. "Wait.." He holds my elbow and yanks me back when I begin to walk away from him. "How are you still a.. when you were married once?" I look him in the eyes. I see guilt now. "Is that why you divorced him?" He asks when I don't reply. "He divorced me, not me.." I answer him in a whisper, hot fresh tears blinding my vision. "Why?" "Can we not talk about my ex-husband, Aadhi?" I blink my eyes repeatedly to swallow the tears that were threatening to weaken me in front of this man. "Please let me go. I want to sleep.." He tightens his palm around his arm, "Will you be.. okay?" He looks down at me, where he has hurt me but the damage was done. No use feeling sorry about it now. "I will be fine.." Without giving another glance, I walk back to the bedroom. I bury my face into the pillow and cry, believing Aadhi wouldn't come in and would spend the night in his office room just like he did most of the nights but after about ten minutes, I feel the bed dip behind me. "I wouldn't have done it if I knew.." I hear him before silence engulfs us. No sorry, no words of comfort, and no hugs to make me feel better. Am I an i***t to still expect all those sweet things from him? I am, ain't I?