His tortured mate

Chapter 7

Caylee

Your mate isn't dead.

Those words keep playing on repeat in my head, even long after I watched Craig's wolf disappear into the forest. If my mate isn't dead, then why did I feel it when Damon died? Why did it feel like a part of me was ripped away? Could it be because he was the one to change me? Could it really be that the bond was forced on me? Is everything they are saying true? At least some of it has to be, because their proof of what Craig is saying was right there in front of my eyes and no one can fake that amount of emotion. I saw the hatred in Mason's eyes, I saw the pain in Wesley's. They are alive and they are doing well within this pack.

But if they are right and if Damon truly was a monster, then what does that make me? A willing victim? That doesn't sound right. No, it makes me just as much of a monster because a part of me liked the thrill of taunting my prey. I liked seeing the fear in Cole's eyes, and I liked hearing my sister scream. I wanted her to hurt, I carved her pain. What does that make me? Can I really accept that my sister has been suffering at the hands of the man I had come to love. A man that had killed my parents, nearly killed me, raped and murdered women and children? No, I won't accept that. I have to be more than that.

I try to think back to a time before Damon even walked into my life, try to think of the time I only knew him as my sister's boyfriend, but every memory is fussy at best. It is only a blur of color and emotions. I can feel pressure in my head, like there is something that is trying to break free. Like the pain I felt yesterday when I felt the overwhelming need to claw at my skin. At first I try to fight against it, screaming as the pain gets overwhelming.

"Let her out, Caylee." I can hear Craig, feel him close, but I can't force my eyes open to look at him.

"No, please just make it stp." I cry out.

"It will stop when you stop fighting her. Let her out." He says and if I wasn't overwhelmed with pain, I would've f*****g hit him. "Please, just let her out." Hearing the pain in his voice is what does it. I stop fighting, instead I hold onto him, taking comfort in his presence.

"Don't leave me again." That is the last thing I say before memories wash through me. Not the memories I was trying to remember a moment ago, no, these are the memories from after I was turned. I remember the pain I felt as my body changed, fighting against the virus. I remember how my wounds healed slowly, but faster than should be humanly possible. I remember opening up my eyes, and screaming when Damon's face appeared in front of me. I was scared, terrified. I remember the taste of vomit in my mouth after throwing up on his expensive shoes. Remember the sting on my face from where he had slapped my so hard that my cheek was swollen. I remember how he got his lover to hold me down, laughing as they drugged me, then kissed and f****d each other while I was fighting to stay conscious. I remember how I begged myself to remember this, to not forget what he is, what he did. None of those warnings helped, all of them getting mixed up with the constant beatings and the drugs he forced into my system. He poisoned me with silver, it is because of that, that I haven't been able to communicate with my wolf. She has been cut off from me, held in a cage due to the silver in my blood and she has been fighting against that cage for the past five years, trying to find a way out.

"I have been waiting to meet you." A voice says in my head and I just know that it is her, the same strawberry blonde wolf I saw in my dream. "I am sorry I wasn't strong enough." I can feel her guilt, feel her regret for not being able to push through that cage earlier. She didn't stand a chance against Damon. Not when he is cruelty reincarnated and she is pure and just. She is young and she was just as frightened as I was.

"I don't blame you. He was cunning and knew what he was doing from the start." I told her.

"Caylee?" I can hear him, but I don't want to open my eyes and look at him. I don't want to look in his eyes and tell him that I was wrong, so f*****g wrong. I don't want to look at him, because I know that the second I look into his eyes, I will be pulled into reality. A reality where I had killed innocents in the name of love, so lost in the love I thought I felt, in a way I still feel. I might have my memories now, but that doesn't change what I had done, or how f*****g confused I feel. What do I do now? How can I look my sister in the eyes ever again. I tried killing her son, tried killing her when she was only trying to protect me. I killed some of the members in this pack. I have done horrifying things, all because I wanted Damon to be proud of me. All because I wanted to protect a monster that had never loved me, that was never my true mate, only my forced mate.

I can feel the tears slip down my cheeks as I start to grieve the girl that I was, the life that I had lost, my parents. My body starts to shake as sob after sob leaves me emptier than the one before.

"That's it, you are going to be alright." Craig says, pulling me closer to his body until all I can feel is him wrapped around me.

No, it will never be okay. How can anything ever be alright again after everything that I had done? No, I don't think I will ever be alright again. Not even close.