Cooking Spirits

Chapter 2

2

Paavo walked into Katie Kowalski’s house holding the hand of Katie’s young son, Micky. Katie was the widow of Paavo’s first and long-time partner in Homicide, Matt Kowalski. They had gone through the police academy together and had been best friends.

After Matt had been killed in the line of duty, Paavo made sure he visited Katie and spent time with Micky two or three times a month. He particularly enjoyed taking Micky to a park, to baseball games, playing sports with him, and doing some of the things he thought Matt might have done with his son if he had lived. That evening, Paavo should have stayed at work looking into the dumpster murder, but he had promised Micky he’d visit and did so during his dinner break.

Katie stood in the living room of the small house to greet them. “Welcome home!” she said. “Micky, why don’t you go wash up and change your clothes! You look like you fell into a pigsty!”

“Aw, okay. Bye, Uncle Paavo! Thanks for everything!”

“Bye, Mick! See you soon.”

Paavo faced Katie. “The field had a few mud-puddles from last night’s rain, and Micky found every one of them. Often on purpose. But I think he’ll be feeling pretty good about himself when he joins that T-ball team next week. If you’d like me to take him, I’ll do my best to get off work on time so I can.”

Katie didn’t answer immediately, but looked at the floor a moment before lifting her gray eyes to his blue ones. “Paavo, I don’t know how to say this. I appreciate all you’ve done for me and Micky, but I’d like you to stay away… for a while, at least. I’ve met someone.”

His brow furrowed. He had expected this day would come, but not so soon. “Who?”

“It doesn’t matter, except that he’s not a cop. He’s a fine man, and good to Micky, and…” He waited as she struggled to find the right words. “I need to move on with my life. It’s too hard when I see you.”

She bowed her head and folded her arms tight against her stomach. When she looked up at him again, her pain-filled explanation poured out quickly. “When you’re here, I remember too much. I remember Matt too clearly. And you! When Matt was here, the three of us spent a lot of time together, and when he was gone, I thought…” Tears filled her eyes.

“Katie,” he whispered.

She shook her head as if to shake off the emotions that gripped her. “I knew there was no chance for me, that you never saw me that way, but I still felt if you ever broke up with Angie, that maybe”—she shrugged—“but it’s not meant to be. It never was. Now this man, his name is Daniel, he’s a good man. My head tells me to give him a chance. But my heart—as long as you’re here, I’m stuck in the past. I can’t forget Matt. I can’t forget you! So, I ask you, please give me time. Give me space.”

“I’m sorry, Katie. I had no idea.”

“I know!” She stepped closer to him. “You’re a good man.” She c****d her head, her smile wry. “Obtuse as all get-out, but a good man.”

“What will Micky think if I just stop seeing him?”

“He loves you,” Katie said. “You’ll see him again and spend time with him again in a few months. But not now.” Her tears flowed freely. “Can you understand what I’m saying? Can you forgive me for being so selfish?”

“I understand, Katie.”

He turned to leave.

“Paavo.” She put her hand on his shoulder, and when he turned around, she put her arms around him. She held him tight, as he did her. She cried, and his heart broke for what had been in the past, and would never be again. He held her a long moment, then stepped back.

“Good luck to you, Katie. I hope it works out and you find happiness.” He brushed the tears from her cheek with his fingertips and then left.

Paavo sat in his car. His hands gripped the wheel, but he didn’t start the engine. He needed to return to Homicide, but Katie’s words were too fresh, too painful. He had no idea that she ever held such feelings toward him. Obtuse, she had called him. Maybe so.

Now, although he was heartened to hear she hoped to begin to live again and to find someone else to love, another part of him cried that it was wrong, that she was Matt’s wife and always would be. Matt had been a six-foot-five, two hundred fifty pound lug with a laid-back competence and professionalism that Paavo had admired, and a sense of humor that made him a fun guy to be around. How could anyone ever supplant his best friend in her life?

At the same time, he understood completely what she was saying. His visits to her and Micky had kept Matt alive in his mind as well. He had never really gotten over Matt’s death. They were not only partners but also best friends, and Paavo had made sure he didn’t grow close to his current partner, or to anyone else in Homicide. In a sense, he feared ever again going through the sadness, bitterness, and even guilt that plagued him over Matt’s death. Matt had been alone when he died, and Paavo always felt he should have been with him, been there to protect him, to save him. But he wasn't.

Now, he held himself back from others in the bureau. He was a colleague, but little more.

He called Angie and told her he had to work that night and couldn’t make their dinner date. She sounded disappointed and troubled. She tried to question him, but he wasn’t ready to talk, and soon ended the conversation. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her, but now, he needed time alone; needed time to think about Katie’s words and what they meant.