Why I Love Him

Chapter Nineteen

"No. No, you don't," Edward said after a while, and I felt my heart sink. He was shaking his head with his eyes still wide with disbelief. "Jesus Jon, go back, what are you doing?" he asked, closing the distance between us before reaching out to grab my shoulders and give me a good shake.

"I know you're feeling hurt right now but latching on to the nearest person that is nice to you is not a good way to deal with that," he said, shaking my shoulders again to make sure I was paying attention to what he was saying.

"Why are you pushing me away?" I asked when Edward let go of me to cover his face and curse under his breath. "You said you loved me, and I'm telling you I love you. What's wrong with that? Am I not allowed to like you back?" I asked, feeling my words break as my eyes burned with unshed tears. I could barely understand my own emotions, sure, and I'm convinced I looked ridiculous standing in the middle of the hallway in the brink of tears as Edward scolded me.

"That's not the problem here," Edward groaned, clenching his hand into a fist as he looked away from me. "You don't like me, that's the problem," he explained, making me scowl.

"How do you know that? You're not me," I said. Instead of arguing with me Edward just sighed, dropping his gym bag on the floor before throwing his hands in the air in frustration. He turned away from me before walking over to the stairs and taking a seat on them.

"You've loved this man for over five years. You f*****g loved him at least last week. It doesn't make sense." He pushed his hair back with his hand as he stared at me. "Also," he started, sitting up. "We've known each other for a while, why now? Is this some recent development, or are you just reaching out for the nearest person to comfort you?" Edward asked, making me swallow the lump that had built up at the back of my throat. His questions reminded me of why we knew each other in the first place. I had been feeling down and had just wanted to get laid — I had wanted something to distract me from my thoughts of Wayne.

"There's a lot of things that I can tolerate because I'm in love with you, being rebound isn't one of them. It'll hurt me a lot, and I'm already hurting too much to handle that." Edward's voice shook, and I could hear the vulnerability in it. I looked down at the floor, and I opened my mouth to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. It was so put my thoughts into words without sounding like I was making excuses, so I settled with saying nothing. I looked up to find Edward watching me with a steady gaze. He was waiting for me to respond.

"You know when someone asks you a question you can't really answer?" I asked, watching as he nodded his head.

"Well, why do I love Wayne? Is one of those questions for me," I muttered in a low tone, looking to my side. "The last five years that we've been separated have been really hard — especially for that question," I continued. "I think, and I think, and I think, and I'm still far from finding any tangible reasons. He's attractive, yes, and he's trying to mend his wrongs, but that's not really a special thing? You don't applaud a human being for having a conscience, right?" I blinked, looking back to Edward when I realized I was more in my head than I had wanted.

"And I guess after overthinking this for the past few weeks, especially this last week, I've come to realize that I'm trying to hold on to something that meant a lot to me when I was younger. When I saw him again after all those years the feeling of love felt somewhat archaic — old, because it is. I felt I was still in love with him and couldn't let things go because of the familiarity and fondness that comes with all those memories from long ago. Even though there are many bad ones, there were still dots in that time when I felt like I was my happiest because of our relationship." I took a deep breath before wrapping my hands around myself.

"He's a very big part of my past, and he's the first person I properly loved — I love him for the memories," I summarized, looking over at Edward. He didn't say anything, and he didn't need to. His expression was easy to read. He looked partially confused and spazzed. I wanted to hold his hand, so I did. I walked over to the stairs, sitting beside him before lacing my pale fingers with his tan ones.

"I love you because you are so kind," I started, giving Edward's hand a squeeze. "I love you because you're so understanding and accommodating even when I'm being a horrible person." My eyes teared up again, but I was able to hold them back by blinking.

"When I look at you, I think of new things, new experiences, new feelings," I rambled, sniffing. "It makes me scared, but I want them. I really want them."

"You don't have to deal with me and try to make this work," I said, "but I'd love it if you did," I said, leaning forward so that I could get a better look at Edward's face. His expression was static, but I took the firm squeeze he gave my hand as a yes. Relieved, a chuckle escaped my lips, and I watched as he full lips broke into a soft smile. I stared at him for a while before scooting closer and resting my head on his shoulder, and for the first time in forever, I felt completely calm and relaxed.

We got up from the stairs and wandered up to his apartment after a while of sitting down and staring into the hallway. We talked about random things as Edward looked for something for us to drink. He ended up pouring us a glass of wine. We drank as we talked, and even though we tried to ignore it, we could still feel it — the tension. There was so much tension between us. It would pick up a knot when we brushed shoulders or kept eye contact for too long. Edward was saying something now, but I wasn't paying attention. We were sitting on the sofa in his living room, and my throat was burning from the alcohol, my face was flushed, and my body was burning up.

At a point, Edward stopped talking and just stared at me — my lips, and I chuckled a bit, smiling weakly at him before closing the distance between us and initiating a kiss. I broke away from him, keeping eye contact as I pulled away. "You seemed like you wanted that," I said, and Edward chuckled. His face was red from the alcohol, and his eyes seemed drowsy. Edward seemed to give things a thought before he reached out to cup my face with his hands. I was smiling — he was smiling, and all I could hear was the sound of my heart thumping in my ears.

"Yeah," he said in a breathy voice before pressing his lips on mine. His lips were full and soft — so soft. His tongue was warm, silk, and I couldn't help the moans that escaped my mouth when he sucked on my tongue and quickly switched to coaxing my lips. For the most part, he kept his hands to himself or on my face, and I did the same. It was as we were afraid to go further, and it frustrated me. I wanted to go further, but I was a little afraid.

"I'm honestly having a hard time believing this is real," he whispered against my lips. He was breathing deeply, and he was looking past me and towards his bedroom door.

"Me neither," I admitted, feeling my throat clog up as thought about the moment. As I thought about the fact that I was here with him. He let out a low laugh, reaching out to pull me into a tight hug before burying my head in his shoulder.

We stayed like that for a while, rocking back and forth in the silence of his apartment. He pulled away from me after a while, and we stared at each other, tracing each other's features with our features, but they didn't stay there. Edward's hand traveled further, and soon he was playing with the button of my shirt, and then the waist of my work pants.

"Can I?" he asked in a low tone, and I was able to manage a shaky yes before the sound of my buttons being undone and my zipper being pulled down filled the room.

As he touched me, I recalled when I came to his house for the first time. He had brought me home from the bar and had been nervous and shy. He didn't seem like he was used to hooking up, and me flirting with him and being blunt about wanting to sleep with him had him shaken up and in a bit of a trance. I could see that he was infatuated with me, but I'd just been a train wreck looking to get laid that night.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. I blinked, realizing that I had zoned out a bit. He was still touching me. The length of me was hard in his warm hand. "Hmm?" he hummed, trying to get a response from me as he moved reached out to rub my cheek with his free hand before kissing my cheek.

"I'm just—" I paused, letting out a low moan as he used his thumb to flick at my tip.

"Bad memories?" Edward asked, and I nodded.

"I just—" I was made to hold my breath again, and this time I had to bite down on my lips to keep myself from whimpering. Edward had worked his gym pants off with his free hand and now had both our lengths in his hand. The feeling of his shaft and his hand had me weak in the knees and it took a while to find my voice again.

"Edward I won't be able to say anything if you keep doing that," I found myself saying in a breathy tone, and we both laughed, awkward moment forgotten.

We did all that the tiny couch could allow us. It felt great to be touching Edward and getting felt by him. It felt great to be filled by him, and to feel him.

And then I got that mental image again, remembering how I had been feeling so shitty about myself the night we met, and how him looking at me with so much awe from across the bar had both lifted my spirits and made me scared of the resulting feelings.

"You know, you should talk to Wayne, properly clear things," Edward said, making me raise my head from his chest to stare at him with a little frown. We were both naked now, and we were both cuddling on the couch with our legs handing over the armrest.

"But that's what I did today," I explained, and he looked up at the ceiling with a weird look on his face.

"I don't know, I just feel that he might have been shocked..." he trailed, and I thought about how so much in a rush I had been in. Wayne was most definitely a little confused.

I sighed. "Alright," I said, resting my head on Edward's chest again when a smile broke on his lips.

He had the oddest sense of consideration.

Thinking about Wayne in a time like this.