Why I Love Him

Chapter Seventeen

When Wayne pulled up into the driveway of his house we sat in silence for a bit, with neither of us making the first move to step out.

"Do you want to talk here or at the house?" Wayne spoke up after a while. I looked over at him, watching as he tried to occupy himself by tapping a beat on his lap. He was looking out into the little patio with a distant look on his eyes. He didn't seem like he was looking forward to our discussion either.

"Inside," I said when I noticed I hadn't answered his question yet. Wayne nodded before opening his door and stepping out. I followed suit, and before I knew it, I was inside his living room taking a seat while he went to look for something for me to drink.

"Here," Wayne said as he handed me a glass of cold juice. He sat on the sofa across from me, cradling a glass of juice of his own in his hands. He looked deep in thought like he was wondering where to start with what he wanted to say.

"It's a lot to take in," he muttered, and I just nodded, watching as the edge of his lips tugged to create a ghost of a smile on his face.

"When I graduated, I—" Wayne looked up, blinking as he tried to find the words to say. "I—s**t," he cursed, dropping the glass of juice on the side table beside his seat before covering his face with his hands. He ran his fingers through his honey-colored hair, staying like that for about a minute before looking up and staring at me.

"When I graduated, I planned to be with you. I really did. I was excited about moving in with you, and a little nervous about coming out to my parents, but I wanted to be with you," he said, making me lick my lips.

"So, what happened?" I asked, not being able to bear the silence.

Wayne, sighed, shrugging. "You know my girlfriend from back then, right?" he asked, and I nodded, remembering the curvy girl with curly blonde hair that he had glued to his hip throughout our senior year.

"She got pregnant."

I was expecting that, but it didn't reduce the effect the words hand on me. It was like Wayne had taken a bucket of water and poured it over my head. I couldn't move — I was tensed up — afraid that if I even blinked, I would break down in sobs.

Wayne's eyes were fixated on the floor now. He kept blinking and rubbing his eyes with the back of his palm, fighting tears of his own.

"So, I had to," Wayne sniffed, looking down at his hands. "I had to marry her. My parents knew her and everything. I was trapped, and I didn't know what to do," he went on, playing with fingers.

"That's the real reason I left." Wayne licked his lips, bringing his fingers to his mouth. "I really wanted to be with you, Johnathan. I was looking forward to it, but things happened, and I was too ashamed to tell you anything. I promised that everything would stop being horrible after college — that all we had to do was graduate and then things would fall into place..." Wayne trailed, running his fingers through his hair.

He sniffed, sitting up on his chair.

"Ashley. That's my daughter's name," he stuttered, looking away from me. "She's four. I'm guessing you've already done the math." Wayne let out a low chuckle before sighing and lowering his head again.

"I'm so confused," I mumbled after we sat in silence a few minutes. "Why didn't you just tell me when you first met me here? Why did you have to lie about it?" I asked, watching as Wayne stared down at the carpet. He sniffed, shrugging his shoulders.

"I was scared."

Of what? I wanted to ask him, but I restrained myself. Wayne was shaking, and he was doing everything in his power not to look me in the eye. Me just pouring my confusion and frustration on him wouldn't help matters.

"I mean, it's been five years. I was worried. Back in university, I pressured you into accepting the situation on my own terms saying, 'love me. I know it's hard, but things will get better after we graduate.' How was I supposed to ask you to give me a second chance saying, 'I'm going through a divorce, and my daughter will hate me, and possibly you for it, but things will get better, I promise'?" Wayne asked, briefly locking eyes with me before looking away again.

"I feel like I'm always asking you to compromise, and I know I don't deserve it. I felt terrible and selfish, you know? What if I told you everything and you cut me off without a thought? Not that I would blame you for that..." Wayne continued saying as he tried to explain himself.

"So now that you've told me...?" I asked. My heart was beating frantically, and I would be lying if I said what I had just heard didn't hurt me. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but I was trying my best to see it from Wayne's perspective.

"I guess I was just trying to buy some time," Wayne said. "I assumed that if we dated for a while, you'd be less likely to freak out and call everything off once I told you," he said, looking up at me. His green eyes were red. I tried to take in what he said, but I couldn't. My head was just filled with buzzing and my throat was clogged from all the yelling I wanted to do.

"I was planning to tell you. I wasn't going to keep it a secret forever, I just—time," he mumbled under his breath, sighing as he rested his back on the sofa before staring up at the ceiling.

Some minutes passed without either of us saying anything.

What could I say?

I didn't know where to start.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Wayne asked, making me look over at him with cold eyes.

He looked away immediately, and I just sighed, staring at the carpet. "Please say something — anything," he begged.

"I don't know what to say — what to think," I admitted. My voice was croaked, and tears were stinging my eyes. I knew I was on the verge of a full-on breakdown, and I was afraid if I said another word, I would be a sobbing mess.

"When do you think the two of you will be finally divorced?" I asked, thinking back to his girlfriend from university — his wife. I rubbed my chest, trying to soothe the pangs I was feeling. I wondered how I never knew Wayne had a wife. He was in the news frequently. How on earth did I miss that detail? I knew he didn't post family pictures on his social media, but I was sure him getting married would have come up once in the news. Did everyone else know he was married? Was I the only oblivious person?

"In a few months," Wayne said, answering my question. With the little strength I had left, I looked over at him. He had his hands clamped together and his eyes fixated on his glass of juice sitting on the side table. "I'm still sorting things out with her — child support and custody, mainly," he added, and I nodded. I sniffed, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand as I tried to breathe.

"Can I sleep over? I don't think I'm in the mental state to go back home," I said after a while. I was mentally exhausted, and I didn't think I could keep talking to Wayne in my condition. I needed to take a rest.

"Sure," Wayne muttered, getting up from the sofa he was sitting on. "Sure, why not."

I gave him a small smile to show him that I was okay. He looked worried and a little panicked.

I still wasn't sure what to feel about what he told me. On one hand, he had dropped a big bomb on me concerning his past and ruined my mood, but on another hand here he was still worried about me. I couldn't help being concerned about him too. He didn't look any better with his red eyes and scratches he had given himself while trying to stay calm.

I wondered how long he had been separated from his wife, I wondered about when last he saw his daughter, and I tried to imagine him as a married man, but the thought alone hurt me.

I wasn't angry with Wayne. The whole situation just confused and exhausted me.

"I'll prepare the guest room," Wayne said, making me look over at him. He left the sitting room and disappeared into the hallway that led to the bedrooms. I used the alone time to think about everything that's happened between us in the past few months — trying to weigh them with the past and the bombshell that Wayne just dropped on me.

Later that night while I stared at the ceiling of the guest bedroom, I asked myself a handful of questions. Did I want to brave this and be with Wayne? What if his wife gave me a hard time? What about his parents? I'm sure they weren't happy with any of this. I knew he had cut them off recently, but what would happen if they could put a face to the person that ruined their son's marriage and relationship with them?

It wasn't that I was scared. I was just tired of enduring things happening to me. At what point do I get to be happy and not just work towards being happy?

A sigh left my lips when I turned to my side and closed my eyes. I need to rest — at least stop thinking until tomorrow came.