I practiced with Edward, and I went for the interview, and eventually got the job. Things were going by so fat, and I was afraid they would come to a halt sooner than I expected. I had to give my current place of work a two weeks' notice before I properly resigned, but I would be out of there sooner than later, and I would get to work in a personal office as I had always wanted to.
"What are you thinking about?" Wayne's voice brought me out of my thoughts. I blinked, looking up from my phone. I hadn't realized when I had spaced out and ended up looking down at my phone with a painfully wide smile on my face. I rubbed my eyes, putting my phone away before looking to my side. Wayne and I were sitting on the sofa in my living room. I was already packing up bit by bit. I had enough to get a leash for a new place, and when I got my first paycheck from my new company, I would be able to pay my rent in full. I was looking into getting a studio apartment that was closer to the main buzz of the city, and my future workplace.
"Nothing really," I answered after a while of staring blankly at Wayne. With a small shrug, I turned my gaze away from him and focused it on the T.V. in front of us. Wayne was watching some boring tech channel. I tried to get into it, but it wasn't just my cup of tea, so I took out my phone and started messing with it again. Now I remember why I had zoned out in the first place.
"Are you sure? Your smile was very wide," Wayne said, making me look over at him again. I shrugged like before, looking away when I decided I didn't want to talk about it. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I don't feel like talking to him much. We haven't talked frequently for the past few weeks. It's not like I didn't try to talk to him. We met up with each other often enough, but we just ended up sitting in silence. Wayne would try to start a discussion most times, but I don't know, I never just had anything to say, and the conversation would fizzle out as fast as it started even though it wasn't my intention to shut things down at all. I could see that it hurt Wayne, but you could say I was too numb to care. I was still upset with him. He still hasn't told me his secret.
Maybe I should talk to my therapist about this whole situation when I meet up with her next.
"John," Wayne called, still giving things a try. "I think we have to talk," he said. His voice was shaky, and I wondered what he wanted to talk about. Was it the girl from before?
"What are we?" he asked, and I blinked before staring into his green eyes. My jaw hung low, and I couldn't help but frown in disbelief.
I wasn't sure if I was shocked by the question itself, or by the fact that he had the guts to ask me this while keeping a secret from me. Why was he asking about his relationship status with me when he couldn't even establish basic trust?
"Why are you asking me this?" I asked, my anger and confusion slipping into my tone and making him visibly flinch.
"I just—"
"Why? You said we should take it slow, and that's what we're doing, isn't it?" My voice was getting higher and louder. I started Wayne, and he just stared at me in shock. I closed my mouth, nibbling my bottom lip when I realized that I was being too harsh. Yes, we had decided to take it slow, but I had expected this question to come up sooner or later. It's been months. Several months of 'taking it slow' was a long time.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, grabbing the nearest throw pillow before hugging it to my chest. "I'm just very anxious."
I licked my lips as I rested my back on the sofa. "You still haven't told me anything about the girl," I said. My voice came out like a little whine, but I didn't care. "Put yourself in my shoes. Would you just jump into a relationship with me if I was the one keeping secrets?" I asked as Wayne shook his head as a pained look took form on his face. I wondered what was so terrible that he still couldn't tell me. I sighed, getting up from the sofa before adjusting my rumpled jumper.
"I need some time alone, please don't wait for me to come back," I muttered, leaving the living room without another word. L left my apartment, not too sure where I was going. I thought I might go outside and get some fresh air, but Edward was standing at his door, and I felt pulled to him like a nail to a magnet. I walked to him, coming to a halt in front of him before letting out a sigh and staring down at my feet. I was in simple home slippers and shorts.
"What's wrong?" His question was all it took to make the waterworks start. I started mumbling nonsense, and I just kept breaking down into sobs anytime I tried to start a sentence. He wrapped his hands around me, pulling me against his chest as he gave me an awkward hug. He stared out into the hallway as I kept trying to form an audible sentence.
"Do you want to come in?" he asked. His voice sounded urgent and I wondered if Wayne had followed me out and was now staring on at me as I wept in my neighbor's arms. I wondered what he was thinking — if he was upset, but strangely a part of me just didn't care if he was. I just didn't want to be around him now.
"Y-yeah," I mumbled into Edward's chest. The man tightened his grip on me, pulling me into the apartment with him before locking the door behind us. He kept holding me and we stood in silence. Sometimes I couldn't hold in a sniffle or sigh, and the noise would pierce the tense atmosphere. After a while, I pulled away from the hug, taking a few steps back as I tried to comport myself.
I rubbed my eyes with the base of my palms, sniffling as I gave Edward a small smile. "I'm a mess," I said in a dry laugh. Edward smiled back at me, sighing as he shrugged and put his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. His dark hair was a mess, and I had a feeling he had been in bed not too long ago. Maybe he had heard me yelling at Wayne and got up? The walls in this apartment complex were thinner than paper.
"What happened?" he asked as he walked past me in the direction of his kitchen. "You were crying, and I couldn't make out anything you were saying," he admitted as he opened the door and walked in. I couldn't see him anymore, but I could hear him quite alright. I folded my arms across my chest, looking around his place. His apartment was identical to mine. It just had better furniture and was better maintained. I looked back towards the kitchen, listening in to the sound of Edward pulling drawers and letting the tap run.
"Tea?" he asked, his question muffled by the sound of him walking around. I blinked, realizing that I had spaced out within a short period of time.
"Y-yeah," I stuttered, licking inside my mouth as I stared down at my feet.
"Okay, I'll get you a cup," he said. The apartment was silent after that, and I couldn't take it. I was itching to say something — to talk about my woes.
"He asked me what we were," I said, swallowing spit in my mouth as embarrassment washed over me. I was still a little dazed at being asked that question, but I was starting to feel like I had overreacted. My troubles sounded so silly out loud. "I just — I don't know. I freaked out," I added, getting worried at Edward's silence.
"Don't you want to date him?" he asked, emerging from the kitchen with two mugs of tea. He pressed one into the palm I reached out before walking over to his living room sofa and taking a seat. "Isn't that what you two have been working towards?" he asked, and I just looked down at the mug in my hands, watching the milk swirl in the brown liquid.
"Yes—" I answered before pausing and frowning. "I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"Look, yes, I want to date him, but I guess I'm scared," I admitted walking over to the sofa before taking a seat beside Edward. "He still hasn't told me anything about the secret he's been keeping from me. Does he think I'll just forget about it and never bring it up?" I asked, talking to no one in particular. I sighed. "How do you ask someone to date you when you can't even be honest with them?"
Edward didn't say anything, but I kept talking and expressing my frustration with the situation. He would reach out to squeeze my shoulder when he saw I was getting to tense, and at first, I had been thrown off by it, but I settled into not being surprised by the act of comfort. Edward was a friend, and I should be grateful he was listening to him ramble.
At a point, I stopped talking and the living room went quiet. I looked over at Edward, watching as his eyes flickered from the door to me.
"Do you want to head back?" he asked, making me blink as the blood drained out o my face. At first, I had thought he was trying to get rid of me, but the words he said after calmed me down.
"If you don't want to go back, you could always sleep here. I could go and get your phone for you—"
"Leave the phone," I said, cutting him off. Edward looked confused, and I made to explain myself. "He's probably calling and texting me if even if he has left. I don't want to deal with that right now," I admitted, and Edward nodded, showing me that he understood.
"Should I at least check if he's still there? If he's not I could lock the door and bring your keys over," he offered, and I hesitated for a bit before agreeing to that. He gave me a small smile, making to give my shoulder a small squeeze before getting up and leaving the apartment. He came back soon after, confirming that Wayne had left. He locked the door and brought my keys to me.
"You can stay in my bed," he said as I watched him looked through the drawers he had at the far end. "I can sleep here in the living room."
"Why?"
"Hmm?" he said, pausing what he was doing to look over at me with a confused look on his face.
"We could share the bed," I suggested, and I watched as Edward's lips parted before he looked down at the green carpet.
"I can't do that, John. I like you. I won't get any sleep if we did that. I would just keep overthinking the fact that we were sleeping on the same bed."
"I like you."
I almost forgot about that. We've been strictly friends for a good chunk of time that it was easy to push his feelings to the background. Now that I thought about it, this must be hard for Edward — the person he liked coming over and whining to him about their relationship problems. I swallowed down spit. I was beginning to feel like a shitty person.
"You can head to my room. Make yourself at home. I'll fix up the couch for myself." Edward's voice brought me out of my thoughts. When I looked over at him, he was holding on to a blanket and a plain white bedsheet. When I realized he was waiting for me to get up from the couch I sprang up, apologizing before moving to stand at the side. I watched him spread the sheet over the couch before climbing in and covering himself with the blanket.
"Go to bed," he said when he noticed I was still standing at the side and looking at him.
"Come on, I'm alright. I sleep on the sofa all the time," he tried to assure me.
With a little hesitance, I left the living room and made my way to Edward's bedroom. The room was exactly how I remembered it from the night I had left with Edward when he came to his apartment after meeting at the bar. It was a neat room with a busy desk and a well-dressed bed. I climbed into the bed when I took off my jumper and my shorts before hugging one of the largest pillows and willing myself to drift into sleep.
Edward ruled my dreams that night. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and you could say that I was looking at him in a whole different way once I woke up the next morning.
What ifs rang in my mind as I watched him fix up breakfast. There were a lot of 'ifs' concerning Edward, and the fact that I was starting to entertain the thought scared me.