Fight or Flight

Chapter 7 – A Mothers Love

Leah’s POV

I woke up a groggy mess. Dad called Mel when he had got mum home and in bed. He had called the doctor who had to give her a sedative. She had a breakdown. She had completely lost it.

He was weak when it came to confrontation with her yes, but he was a strong man and capable of holding his own if he wanted to. He just generally chose not to for ease. But even I think even dad feared her at that point

I felt awful, I thought it was my fault. But dad came to see me and said she had been drinking.

Not just yesterday, he had noticed over the last year or so she had steadily increased her alcohol intake and one glass had become two, had become a bottle, then two.

She then started at lunch times, and she hid it so well. She wasn’t always at home, neither was dad. She had become an alcoholic right under our noses, and we didn’t even see it coming. Well, I didn’t anyway.

When we had our argument, she was drunk. When she found I was gone, she was drunk. She drank more because she was angry.

She nearly crashed the car into Lis’s place. Apparently not caring or apologising. Dad says he dreads to think what she would have done if she found me. I’m glad I wasn’t there.

He doesn’t know what will happen now, but he said it was best I stayed away for a little while, until she got better at least anyway.

He didn’t need to ask me twice. I didn’t want to see her, didn’t see it was my place to see her. I know she doesn’t know where I am, but she knows my number. She could contact me if she wanted too.

In a way, I wasn’t sure I wanted her too, not yet anyway. I was so angry with her.

He had said she needed therapy and the doctor had advised rehab. If I know my mother at all, I figured she wouldn’t take that lying down.

Not only would it seem ridiculous to her that she had a drink problem, but it would also kill her to have to admit it and face the judgement of those awful women around her she thought so highly of in her social circles.

She had not only been included in but also apart of those bitchy conversations chastising others for what may or may not be going on in their personal lives and knew how brutal it could be.

In a way, as awful as it sounded, I was glad she was the centre of it all for a change, it may actually do her some good to be humbled.

I wasn’t embarrassed of her, or the fact that she had a problem. In fact, I was kind of glad there was a reason other than the fact that she was an awful mother for the way she had treated and spoken to me over the last year or two.

Don’t get me wrong, she always had that side in her, and the drink wasn’t completely at fault. I’m sure she would have said a lot of it anyway, but she at least used to hold back and try and be supportive and caring.

I was a fool to have not seen it before, she had changed, become more bitter and vicious.

I went back to Lis’s that day. It was better for us all. I doubt mum would come looking for me there again. She would have guessed I had gone somewhere else.

I sat on my bed contemplating everything that had happened. There was a quote Mel had framed on the wall in her kitchen and the words swirled around my mind.

‘’A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. She will think about her children day and night, even if they are not with her and will love them in a way they will never understand’’

I always loved this quote, and it made me lenient of my mother’s ways, mainly because I believed that what she was doing was out of love for me, wanting what was best for me.

But as I lay restless on my bed, now all I could think was that I will never understand her, this was not love, it was dominance, control, and bitterness.  

I worked at Sky’s for the rest of the week, but I worked out the back, helped with the books, did the cashing up and cash and Carry runs and opened and locked up. I cleaned down before closing when the doors were locked. It was the safest way.

It had been 3 days since I saw dad, and I hadn’t heard from him again. I was worried, but I wasn’t going to make things worse for him if she was still crazy.

I checked my email for the hundredth time today. I still hadn’t heard if I had got a place at summer camp, and we were due to leave in a week.

It seemed badly organised to give such short notice. I assumed I hadn’t gotten in. A thanks but no thanks would have been nice.

My phone rang I didn’t recognise the number. I almost didn’t answer it for fear it was my mum. But something made me click accept.

‘Hello?’ I said a little nervously.

‘Leah, Leah Barnes, is that you?’ a thick accent I couldn’t place replied.

‘Uh, Yeah, who’s this?

‘Professor Giorgos Vasilaki, you may call me Gorge’ he said it in the most beautifully subtly way.

‘From the Summer Art Camp?’

‘Yes, you didn’t respond to our email, we must offer your place elsewhere if you do not intend to come’

‘I didn’t get an email. I got in? Really? I got in?’

He lightly laughed and the sound was warming and infectious ‘why yes dear, you were mine and my wife’s first choice, but we worry you don’t decide to come’

‘No, No, I want to come!’ excitement evident in my tone ‘I’m so sorry, I checked every day to see if I had a response. I didn’t get one?’

‘I am glad is a simple mistake. I mark you as coming. I look forward to meeting you, you’re exceptionally talented’

‘Thank you, thank you so much!’

I put down the phone after confirming the mail address was misspelt. Now with the correct one, he would send me all the details and I was to arrange the fights and send him confirmation so he could send someone to pick me up.  

I was doing a happy dance in the kitchen and Kai walked through the door.

‘You are incredibly happy for someone who has had the week from hell. What happened?’

I was so excited I blurted it out ‘Gorge from the Art camp called me, he actually called me! I got in, the email address was wrong, he’s sending me over the details now, I just got off the phone! Can you believe it!’

It was only when I saw the look on his face it dawned on me, we would be apart for 6 weeks, in different countries.

He tried to recover quickly from the look of shock on his face ‘Leah, that’s fantastic news, I knew you would get in babe. You deserve this more than anyone I know, and after the week you have had, getting away will do you the world of good’

But as reality hit, fear suddenly sent me in a panic.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, or he me, or that I didn’t think we would last the time apart from one another. It was the reality of being away, in a foreign country, alone for so long. I had always had people I know and love around me.

Despite the bitter words mum left with me, I had always been a home girl, sensible, dependable, and predicable almost. The unknown frightened me, and I started to have difficulty in breathing. My limbs felt heavy, my vision started to blur and then nothing.

I woke up on the couch dazed and confused. I tried to sit up, but I felt wobbly, and my head spun. Nope, not a good idea.

‘Whoa their missy, lay back down’ I heard Kai say.

I didn’t need telling twice.

‘What happened?’

‘You had a panic attack and passed out. After the last time you passed out, I can honestly say I was more than grateful I was here to catch you’

Oh, yeah, last time I passed out I ended up in hospital. Don’t need any more hospital visits to last a lifetime.

‘Thanks’ I felt pathetic.

‘Hey, here, have some of this’ Lis handed me a glass of water and Kai helped me sit up.

I took a glug, and it was refreshingly cold ‘I feel ok now’ I smiled weakly.

‘What’s up biAtches’ Sky liked to make an entrance.

Lis snickered as she shook her head, ‘Read the room Sky’.

‘Wow, Leah, you look like crap, what the hell happened to you?’ she was suddenly aware of my state.

‘I’m fine now, honestly’

‘Great, I’m glad. But why weren’t you fine before? Is it your mum?’

‘No, no, nothing like that. I got into Art camp!’

‘That’s fantastic girl! I knew you would do it! Whoop’ Sky made me laugh as she did my happy dance.

‘Thanks’

‘This is great news Leah, so please do tell, why do you look like crap?’

‘Ummmm’ I looked at Kai.

‘She had a panic attack at the realisation she was leaving us all. But I told her, it would do her the world of good to get away from here for a bit, and we will all make sure we call all the time, so she doesn’t get home sick. Won’t we?????’

‘Yes, Yes! Of course. I am so happy for you Leah. Don’t give into the fear now. You are going to LOVE it there!’ Sky beamed.

‘Have you ever been before?’

‘Once, a long time ago’ she gave me a knowing smile and I suddenly felt sad for her.

‘Oh, yeah, you did tell me that already, sorry!’ I tried to make the sorry sound like it was because she had already told me. Not because the reason she went, wasn’t for a holiday and she didn’t like talking about it.

We chatted about the details of the trip as my email came through from Gorge. Lis and Sky immediately went online to book my tickets. Luckily, despite my lack of world travel, I had a passport from a failed attempt at a family trip abroad a few years ago.

Kai was quiet, but he tried to sound as excited and happy for me as the girls did. My flight was book for a week today. I would arrive Friday evening, giving me two days to settle in and meet people before we started on the Monday.

Shit was getting real.

I kept working at Skylar’s up until the last minute. She told me she didn’t need me, but I need the money, and the distraction. Excitement and fear were turning me into a loon. That and the lack of communication from my Dad.

I hadn’t told him I was leaving. I Still hadn’t heard from him, and despite Kai and the girls telling me I should tell him, my stubbornness prevailed. I told them I would wait for him to contact me, after the s**t mum has put me through, here he was doing the same.

I had lost faith in them both and felt more like a responsible adult than the pair of them put together. I vowed, if I ever have children, I will not turn out like either of them as parents.

They didn’t deserve my love or forgiveness right now. I felt totally let down by them both.