Thinking Out Loud

Final.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 23 when I saw Do Kyungja for the first time.

It was rather a sunny day with a gentle breeze blowing across the area. The college was usually humming with various kinds of chatter. People were all over the place going to their desired destination.

I too was busy with the preparation of upcoming exams and had been spending the past couple of weeks lounging in the library, trying to make up for all the time when I had flunked the classes. Byun Beakhyun, my brother from another mother, was sitting right across me trying to stuff his face with food while memorizing his notes.

It was quiet. The silence of the library engulfing every other thought except the books left open in front of us. I was almost dozing off due to the place being too silent for my liking when suddenly a jarring noise shook the whole place, breaking its tranquility.

I glanced up and that's when I saw her.

She was wearing a black hoodie, a size too big for her as it covered almost all of her tiny body. Her hood was pulled up too. At first, I thought it was weird because why would somebody wear something so covering when it was blazing outside? I mean if I could, I would roam around the college in my boxers. Okay, I admit that would be weird and I know I'd probably get thrown inside a cell for being a pervert but anyways let's not talk about that.

I focused my attention back to her as she picked up her books while muttering apologies to everyone before she walked across my table and sat down on an empty one. Though it only remained empty for a second before someone joined her. I watched her as she looked up at whoever it was before giving that person a dazzling smile.

At that time I had no idea who she was and I didn't even know why I was watching her so intently. To be honest, I didn't even know why I was feeling so attracted to her. But I remember, Newton had said that every particle in this universe attracts another particle with a force. Maybe that's why when her lips curled up to form a smile that resembled a heart, I felt my own skipping a beat.

At that time I didn't know who Do Kyungja was. All I knew that she had a gorgeous smile and eyes that shone bright like they contained the whole universe inside them.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 23 when I first saw Do Kyungja and fell in love with her.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 24 when I first spoke to Do Kyungja.

It was a quiet afternoon with the skies being clear from clouds. The sun shone brightly, making the day warmer than usual. With the approaching end of summer, the college started preparing for its new session. Everyone was busy with the planning of the new year. Everyone, except me.

Well, it’s not like I wasn’t anticipating the new term or something, but it’s just that I didn’t have enough time. You see, I was busy helping my mother in handling our family restaurant. It had gained some well-deserved popularity due to a commercial and because of that, there was an increased tide of the customers.

It had gone well at that time, with all of our family members being extremely happy because of the sudden surge in popularity. I was giddy too because I got to meet many new people and some even showed interest in my talent for music-making. All in all, it was a good time for us and all of us were enjoying it to the fullest.

I was serving another customer when the tinkling of the bell informed me of another customer. I quickly turned around to greet whoever it was and that's when I saw her. She was standing there looking a little lost, her long brown hair in a complete disarray as if she had run over here. I watched as she approached me, asking me if it was possible to get a seat here.

I was so dazed and awestruck that I didn’t even have the ability to form anything coherent. I just nodded my head and showed her the table near the window. She did give me a strange look but I was too gone to notice it because heck, I was seeing Do Kyungja after 3 long months! I didn’t even realize when she had walked to the table and taken her seat. I only returned to my senses when my sister pushed me towards her table and I instantly noticed that there was another man sitting across her.

I guessed they were talking about something important, seeing the slight furrow of her eyebrows. I wondered who this man was and thought just what kind of relationship did he have with Kyungja but before I could dwell more on the subject, another nudge from my sister ensured that it wasn’t the right time.

Letting out a soft sigh, I walked towards the pair and schooled my expression with a cheery smile that I always held for my customers. With limited patience, I took their orders and went back to the kitchen. After 10 minutes when I returned, I saw that the other man was gone leaving Kyungja alone on her own.

She didn’t notice me as she stared out of the window, lost in her own thoughts. Looking at her slouched form, I didn’t know why I had this intense feeling to comforting her. I wanted to reach out to her and tell him that whatever had happened, it was going to be alright. I wanted to hold her and tell her that she wasn’t alone.

But I couldn’t.

So, I placed the order on her table and filled her glass with some water. She turned back and fixed me with a questioning look as if asking me what were my true intentions. But I didn’t say anything. I gave her a small smile and told her that she looked like she needed it. She didn’t reply. She just gave me a curt nod and gulped down the water before getting up and leaving the restaurant.

It was nothing, yet it was something.

At that time I didn’t know what exactly went through her head or what had actually happened between her and that man. All I knew that my actions had somehow made Kyungja return the next day, and the day after the next day, and the day after that. And before I could realize what was happening, I had already struck a friendship with the woman who owned my heart.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 24 when I first spoke to Do Kyungja and had somehow managed to strike a friendship with her.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 25 when I traced Kyungja’s constellations.

It was a quiet afternoon after long days of storm and thunders. The sun was peeking up from the clouds from time to time and wind swept over the trees gently, making them brush gently against each other. I was casually lounging on my bed with Kyungja’s head pressed against my thigh, a gentle reminder of her presence.

We were supposed to study together for the upcoming exams but somehow we had completely forgotten about it as we lay in our bed together, talking about nothing in particular. I don’t remember exactly what we had discussed or how everything had escalated so quickly but soon enough I found that I couldn’t stop looking at her lips.

I couldn't withdraw my eyes as she spoke, as her lips formed sentences after sentences, words after words. I couldn’t look away as her eyes followed my gaze and landed on my lips. I couldn’t pull away as her eyes locked with mine, her eyes shining bright with a spark that I so longed to see.

I don’t know who moved first, I don’t know who pulled the other closer first. All I knew that her lips were on mine and my hands were on her waist, dragging her closer to me. Before I could realize what was exactly happening, we were on each other. My hands roamed over her untouched flesh, feeling, squeezing everything within its reach. Her fingers raked upon my back, leaving her own trails of marks.

We were a hot, messy tangle of limbs as we removed our clothing, yearning to touch a bit more, to feel a bit more. It was clumsy, it imperfect, but it was us. It was so very us. It was us in purest and rawest version anyone could ever find.

When I entered her for the first time, I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I had finally tasted what heaven felt like. She had cried out from the pain of being entered for the first time and I had tried my earnest to make it fulfilling for her as much as it was for me. I had moved slow, had tried to control the beast inside of me, had tried to make it as perfect as it could be. And I knew that I was successful when she had thrown her head back, gasping from the pleasure and asking for more.

When it was all over and we just lay there next to each other with his back pressed against my chest, I realized, no I felt the love that I had for her coursing through my body, rushing through my veins, making my heart pound louder than it had ever been. I felt like crying. I felt like laughing. I felt that my mind was going insane with all the feelings that were flooding inside of me.

I pulled back from her and that's when my eyes landed on the several moles littered across her back. They ranged from tiny to small and ended up with a big one near her neck. Without thinking twice, I moved closer to her once again and placed a small peck on the one upon her neck.

I could feel the shiver that ran through her body as my lips continued to devour her mole. When she turned back to see me, I noticed how her eyes had turned a little glassy as her face was colored in crimson. I had smiled at her and she had asked what was I doing. I didn’t say anything. I just smiled a little more and leaned in before whispering ‘I love you’ against her lips.

When I looked up at her, her eyes were moist with unshed tears. I panicked, thinking if I said something wrong, thinking if I really ruined it all. But before I could say anything, she stopped me as she kissed me tenderly and said that she’d been wanting to hear it for a while now.

I don’t really remember what happened after that. All I knew that I must have wept like an i***t before declaring just how much I was in love with her.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 25 when I traced Kyungja’s constellations and kissed them all.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 26 when I let go of Kyungja.

It was a cold winter night, with the winds sweeping across the city in an unmerciful way, making it turn bitter from cold. I was sitting on my sofa with my head in between my hands. I was worried, no I was terrified because Kyungja suddenly wasn’t answering my calls.

I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I had no idea what I was being punished like this. Just mere hours ago we were sitting here in each other’s embrace, talking about what kind of food we’d like to eat for dinner. It was all going well when suddenly my phone started to ring, breaking the comforting silence of the house with its loud noise.

I got up from my seat and picked up the call. After a long talk when I returned to the living room I saw that Kyungja was gone. At first, I thought that she had gone to the toilet but when I saw that it was empty, I felt panic slowly bubbling inside of me. I instantly dialed her number but learned that it was switched off.

My panic started to grow more as I called again and again but no matter how many times I tried, she never picked up. With every call, my fear grew more. I tried every number I had of her but he didn’t pick it up. Dejected, I called her friend Jonghee who to my utter relief finally accepted the call.

I instantly shot her questions about what happened with Kyungja and if she knew where she was but to my dismay she said that she had no idea where Kyungja was off to. As I cut the call, I sank on the ground, thinking just what wrong did I do for her to get up and leave like this suddenly.

Pain.

Raw agony was flowing through my veins, engulfing my mind and body into an inferno that just burned and burned until there was nothing left. I felt like my mind was going numb from the pain, the hurt. I wanted to scream and shout and cry but I just sat there on the sofa and stared at the door, hoping, no waiting for Kyungja to return. I prayed that Kyungja would return with her warm smile and shining eyes and say that she just went down to get something.

But she didn’t.

She didn’t return until it was almost close to midnight. As soon as she stepped inside, I had lurched forward and had embraced him only to be pushed aside unceremoniously. I looked at her with a confused gaze, wondered why is she acting like this? But before I could even form a word, she stepped closer to me and took my hand.

I looked at her baffled and then suddenly I felt the weight of the cold metal. I looked down at my hand and saw the ring that I had given her months back. The same ring was still residing on my own finger. My eyes instantly welled up with tears as I looked at her with a pleading gaze.

I couldn’t utter a single word as I felt the coldness of the metal stinging my skin. It was so cold yet it felt as if it was burning my hand. Tears started to drop from my eyes as fell on my knees and asked why she was doing this? I questioned why she was doing this to us when she promised to stay with me forever?

She didn’t reply as always. She stepped away and turned her back as he said that she realized that she didn’t love me anymore. My heart clenched in my chest as the words began to sink into my head. She left me because she didn’t love me anymore. She didn’t love me anymore.

I don’t remember what happened afterward. All I knew that my heart was shattered into pieces and there’s no way I could ever fix it. Therefore I grabbed my phone and dialed the number that called me earlier that morning and told them that I’d be joining their company from next week. In an overnight, I packed my entire life into a suitcase and before the sun rose the next morning, I was away from Seoul, moving towards my new life.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 26 when let go of Kyungja and realized just how selfish he was.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 28 when I met Do Kyungja again.

It was a rather rainy night with occasional thunders sounding from here and there. I had just returned to Seoul after 2 long years and wanted to do nothing other than getting wasted with my friends. Though it was quite a downpour, my friends didn’t disappoint me and celebrated my return with drinks and food.

These past two years had been nothing but hell for me. When I had left Seoul with my heart freshly broken and the wounds still as open as ever, I thought that I wouldn't live to see the next day. I believed that somehow when I woke up the next day, I would realize that it was all just a bad dream and hoped to see Kyungja lying there beside me.

But it was all just a stupid delusion. A stupid dream to comfort me.

When I reached Canada two years back, it had been winter. The snow covering the city in its white serenity, making the temperature drop to near zero. It had been beautiful back then, it’s probably even beautiful now but I don’t really give a s**t. Just like I hadn’t two years back.

It was horrible, to be honest. Every morning felt like new torture for me. The work was good. The pay was even better. Everything was brilliant except for me. I felt like a sore spot in the perfect scenery. Every night I cried myself to sleep, hoping that I wouldn’t see the next daylight but I knew that no matter how many times I hoped, it would never ever come true.

Breaking me away from my thoughts, Baekhyun poured me another drink and told me to chug it down and forget about everything. I wanted to laugh at him and say that how can anybody ever forget Do Kyungja and how gently she shattered my heart. But I stayed quiet as I gulped drinks after drinks, trying to repress the memories that dared to surface after so long.

I was about to pour another drink for my friend Junmyeon when I saw the same lithe figure passing through the crowd. At the sight of her, my heart ached. It thrashed against my chest as if it had finally seen its owner after a long time. My hands trembled and I hurriedly placed the bottle on the table before running out of the restaurant.

The rain poured down upon me as I ran and ran until my legs hurt and my lungs felt like they were on fire. I gasped as I struggled to recollect my breath while leaning against a railing to steady my shaking body. When I did, I sunk down on the ground and cried. I cried until I felt a warm hand my cheek, urging me to look up at whoever it was.

I looked up and saw her.

She was staring at me with those same brown eyes that I fell in love with. It was those same brown eyes that broke my heart 2 winters back. I looked at her and saw that she had gotten thinner, there were dark circles under her eyes and her skin looked paler even in the dark. I had hoped that she would look good, hoped that she would be happy after leaving me. But seeing her here right in front of my eyes, I realized how wrong I was.

She was just as miserable as I was.

She didn’t let me say anything. She just hugged me close and cried in my arms until her whole face was red and puffy. I wanted to comfort her, I wanted to tell her to stop crying because whatever it was, it was going to be alright. But I didn’t.

I was so angry and so hurt that I didn’t even realize that I was frozen like a stick. I wanted to push her away but at the same time, I wanted to pull her close. I wanted to wipe her tears but at the same time, I wanted to see her cry. It was an irony because even though I hated her, I still loved her with my every bit.

She was saying something to me but I was too gone to make out her words. I looked down at her to push her away and that's when I realized she was apologizing to me. She was crying and saying that she was an i***t to act like that. She wept as she said that she never ever wanted to let me go but when she heard that I had rejected the offer from the company, she blamed himself for it.

She told me she wanted me to reach high and get everything in life because I deserved it. But in that process, she didn't want to be a hindrance. She didn't want to hold me back and that's why she let go of me.

I felt like crying after hearing her say those words. I felt like tearing my hairs from frustration because of all these years... All these years I thought I was unloved, I thought that because of my mistakes she left me. But I was so wrong.

I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know if I should feel relieved or angry. Therefore, I did what came next in my mind and hugged her. I hugged her like my life depended on it and buried my face on her neck as I breathed in her scent.

I didn't when the rain had stopped. All I knew that the storm which was raging in my heart for the last two years had finally stopped. I felt like I was finally home after a long, long war.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 28 when I met Do Kyungja again and decided to call him home.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 30 when I decided to spend the rest of my life with Kyungja.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, with the sun shining high up in the sky and birds chirping around in an unknown glee. There were few clouds here and there but there was no sign of the winds.

I laid against Kyungja as we watched some pointless cat videos and giggled at their cuteness. None of us had work the next day, so we just decided to laze around the house and spend some quality time with each other.

I watched her as she laughed with her puffy cheeks and eyes that shone bright like a star. I watched her as her body shook due to the force of her laughter and she rolled on the bed, gasping for breath.

I watched her intently and then suddenly it hit me. It shook my entire world as I realized that this is what I want in the next chapters of my life. I realized that this is the person that I want to wake up to every morning and this is the person that I want to come home to every night.

Noticing my gaze upon him, she turned to face me and asked me if she looked funny. I smiled at her and said that I often wondered how did the universe create someone like her. She laughed at me and made a fake expression of gagging before asking me why I was being so cheesy all of a sudden. I didn't reply, I just climbed on top of her and pinned her down on the mattress as I kissed her lips like I was hungry for a long time.

When we pulled back, her eyes were a bit hazy and she looked disheveled. I had the urge to claim her right there but I held back as I leaned down and whispered right on her lips that I've been thinking about spending my life with her.

She stilled as my words registered in her head and she looked at me with a questioning stare, though it looked more like she was pleading me silently to say out the words that I wanted to say for a long, long time.

And when I finally did, tears of happiness slipped from her eyes as he shook her head and continued to say yes. She said that she would marry me in any lifetime, in any version of reality, she would always find me and say yes thousands of times.

I don't recall what exactly happened after that but I knew that I must have kissed her thousands of times as I continued to whisper just how much I was in love with her.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 30 when I decided to spend the rest of my life with Do Kyungja and finally changed her surname.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 35 when I finally started my family with Kyungja.

It was a cloudy day with no signs of the sun. The wind was sweeping across the land, making the trees brush against causing a rustling sound. The birds were flying and chirping while a loud honking could be heard from here and there.

I was assembling the papers which we required for a proper adoption whilst Kyungja was sitting on the bed, looking quite lost in her thoughts. I approached her and quietly sat down beside her.

I know what she was thinking. She was worried if we’d be really able to handle a child. She was tensed because she wanted this so much that she was afraid she’s going to lose it all. Well, to be honest, I was worried too. I was tensed too because I wanted this as much as her.

It was my dream to build a family with her.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me. She instinctively placed her head on my shoulder and let out a loud sigh. I asked her if she was feeling nervous. She chuckled and replied that she’s so nervous she felt like she was going to puke.

We both laughed at that comment because we both knew that she wasn’t the only one.

When we reached the adoption center, both of us felt like we had pooped our pants. I let out a shaky breath and reached for Kyungja’s hand. Her hands were clammy too and her whole face was red from nervousness.

I don't exactly remember what happened after we entered the place and how I signed the papers but when I reached the small room to finally take our child home, I felt like crying. I felt like crying and I felt like laughing at the same time.

It was a weird sensation, as the child ran towards me and encircled his small arms around my neck and asked me to carry him. I looked at Kyungja and saw that she had tears in her eyes as I held our child in my arms.

When we reached home and I showed him our place, the child didn’t say much. He just stepped closer to us and wrapped his tiny arms around mine and Kyungsja’s neck and said something that changed both of our lives forever.

He had called us mom and dad.

I am Park Chanyeol and I was 35 when I finally started my family with Kyungja and heard the word ‘Dad’ for the very first time.

^^^

I am Park Chanyeol and today I turned 70 and I’m still madly in love with my tiny wife Park Kyungja.

It was another chilly morning with the cold winds blowing over Seoul, indicating that the winter was just around the corner. I was lounging on my sofa, sipping on the cup of coffee as I browsed through the news, reading only the headlines.

Kyungja had banned me once again from entering the kitchen because she said that she was preparing something special and didn’t want any kind of disturbance. I had pouted but decided to settle on the sofa reluctantly.

I heard the unlocking of the door and peeked from my place to see my grandson running towards me with open arms. The moment brought back the memories of the day when we finally brought back our child. Smiling softly, I picked him up in my arms and lavished him with kisses, causing him to erupt in a giggle.

“You got kicked out again, grandpa?” Hyunsoo, my grandson asked me.

I put on a fake sad expression and sniffled. “Your grandma keeps throwing me out Hyun - ah..”

Hearing my words he giggled again and seeing him laugh, it made me smile too. I placed him down gently and watched him as he waddled his way towards the kitchen and hugged Kyungja's knees from the back.

I watched them with a smile as both of them laughed and talked about something that I couldn’t hear. With a happy sigh, I settled on the sofa and saw my son Sehun entering the house with some groceries in his hands, his wife Junhee following him closely.

Both of them smiled at me as Sehun placed the bags and Junhee rushed to help him arrange everything. When they were done, Junhee went inside the kitchen to help Kyungja out as Sehun walked towards me and flopped down on the sofa, letting out a loud sigh.

Suddenly I felt Sehun encircling his arms around me. I looked at him with a soft smile and patted his hair in a gentle manner. Poor child, he must be tired from all the work. He sighed again and leaned into my touch.

“I forgot to say this” Sehun started, detangling himself from me and taking out something from his pocket. “But happy birthday dad..”

I looked at the small yet neatly wrapped gift and grinned at him, though my eyes had already started to become misty. “You didn’t need to do that Hunnie..”

“No Dad..” He protested, placing the gift in my hands. “I know I can never ever thank you enough but I just wanted to let you know what I really love you and I wish you live forever dad...I pray that you and maa will never leave us..”

Hearing his words, tears dropped from my eyes and I hugged him tightly. This child, was just five when he came to us. Just when did he grow up so much? When did the time ran away so fast? Where did it all go?

Later that night as I lay down on my bed along with Kyungja, I couldn’t help but think back to all the time we had spent together. I recalled every moment, the good, the bad, the sweet, the sad, everything.

I recollected all the memories, from the first time I met Kyungja back in college when I was 23, to the first time when I spoke to her, to the time when we became one with each other, to the time when she left me, to the time when we reunited, to the time when we got married.

I remembered everything and I realized how much of a lucky man I am. I am so lucky to get someone like her. I am so damn lucky to spend my life with her, to call her mine. I am so blessed to build a family with her.

I turned towards her and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead before pulling her closer to me. Over time, Kyungja has become even smaller while I had returned to my usual lanky form. I embraced her tightly and looked down at her as she looked up at me with those same brown eyes.

Those same brown eyes that made me crazy all those years ago. Those same brown eyes that still make me go crazy, even after all this time.

“What happened, Mr. Park?” Kyungja asked.

“Nothing much..” I replied, smiling down at her. “I just realized that I love you..”

She tsked before burying her head in my chest. I could feel her smile against my chest as she snuggled closer and let out a soft sigh. She mumbled something but I couldn’t hear her.

“What did you say?” I asked, pulling away to look down at her.

“I said that I love you too.,” Kyungja replied, as her cheeks, a little wrinkled now, turned bright red.

I laughed at her face because no matter how many times she said those words to me, her expression never changed.

I don’t know how much time I have left before I need to go, or how many days I would be able to spend with Kyungja like this. But I know one thing, that I have known since I was 23, that no matter how many days, no matter what circumstances, my love for her will never, ever change.

I am Park Chanyeol and today I turned 70 and I’m still madly in love with Kyungja and I’m still going to be in love with her until my very last breath.