THE JOURNEY OF SHEIRA HART

54 | Lemons and Lemonades

I don’t know if I should be happy that he’s back or be embarrassed for what I have done. After I calmed down, everything dawned on me and that’s when I realized how embarrassing it was. I was hugging him. I was sobbing on his shirt. I didn’t oppose when he claimed that I missed him. It was a moment of weakness and I showed it to him willingly. But now, I am regretting my decision. 

He was looking at me with so much awe even as we sat on the bench watching the city. The surrounding was quiet. Despite the noise of the vehicles down below, where we are…it was quiet. One reason why I like to come here is to think sometimes. 

“Will you stop staring at me like that?” I finally said. 

He shook his head. He still has this unbelieving look on his face as he continued to stare at me. 

“I mean…I wasn’t expecting that. Are you my Sheira?” 

My Sheira. I swear something in my stomach did a backflip when he said it. But I scoffed. “My Sheira? Don’t get too cocky now, di Angelo. That was a moment of weakness and—“ 

“And you showed it to me. What happened?” he asked and with that question, tears threatened to fall again but I stopped it. I was wringing my hands, finding a way on how to say it. I have a lot of questions to ask him too. 

I sighed. “I found out about it,” I started. He didn’t say anything. Clearly waiting for me to continue what I was saying and so I did. 

I took another deep breath. “I went to another flashback and I saw how I died. Exactly how I died.” I bit my lip as I remembered how my body looked when they hauled it out from the ocean. I did look similar to how I saw myself that time when Mr. Grim showed me myself in the glass window. I didn’t have any idea back then as to how I died but now it all made sense. The brutal wound was because I was directly hit by a car and was thrown across the sea. The strange pull of the water on me whenever I fly above it made sense. It all made sense. Everything has been giving me clues but I was too occupied to notice all of it. I was too occupied to think about it. 

“How did it happen?” Mikhael asked. His voice was low. Solemn. As if he was sorry he wasn’t there when I saw it. As if he was sorry for not being there to see it with me. 

I told him what I saw. I told him that after Jacob left me in the café, I stayed inside for a couple of hours until I decided to leave. And that was when I was hit by a car as I was absent-mindedly walking the streets. I told him how I realized it was gonna be the time I was going to die. I told him how I closed my eyes when the accident happened and what I saw when I opened them again. I told him how people went to the edge of the road and looked at the sea where I sank with my bike. I told him how I felt when I saw the ambulance coming. I told him how I couldn’t cry for some reason. I told him how I couldn’t move. I told him how I badly want to go near and embrace my parents and yet I can’t do it. I told him how frustrated I was when I watched everything happen. I told him I wanted to stop it even though I know I couldn’t. Even though I know it was bound to happen and nothing’s going to change it. I told him how I stayed there, watching as my family wailed and how my mother hugged my lifeless body, calling my name over and over again as if that would bring me back to life. I told him how I stayed there, watching as the ambulance slowly took me inside and drove me to the hospital. I told him how I stayed as everyone continued on with their lives as mine was taken away. 

I told him all of it. And he listened. I didn't cry. Perhaps what I did earlier as I hugged him was enough. But my eyes got watery as I told him everything. I looked like a little kid who was telling her parents how badly her day went. Complaining about how much homework she has to do. But I wasn’t complaining about school. I wish I was. I wasn’t complaining about my day. I was complaining about how brutal it was and how it hurt my family and even my friends when they later found out. 

And he listened carefully. And when I was done, I took a deep breath. Thinking about it myself was something good. But telling it to another person is another thing. It felt nice. It felt light. Though talking about it made it more real, I was glad to talk about it with him.

“How do you feel now?” he asked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. 

I felt relieved. I felt somehow glad. I was sad. Who wouldn’t be sad after seeing how they died in 4k quality? But I am slowly accepting the fact that it already happened and even how bad or brutal it was, I couldn’t do anything other than to accept it. After all, it was one of the reasons why I started this journey in the first place. To find out how I died. To get a proper closure. 

I don’t blame Jacob. And when I heard him the first time when he could still feel ghosts, he said sorry. I never really thought it to be something about this. I thought he was blaming himself for my death and I didn’t know how to respond to that. He was blaming himself. The accident happened right after he broke up with me. He was blaming himself for it.

“I feel sorry for Jacob,” I said to Mikhael and he just nodded as he understood what I meant. But it was me who saw how he was doing. He was still blaming himself for my death. Does he cry himself every night? Does he think about it all the time? I watched him as he cried himself to sleep. With only the TV as his companion. And I couldn’t stand seeing him like that. I don’t blame him. And I wish he would stop blaming himself too. 

“You can’t blame Jacob for blaming himself. He will let himself feel miserable for the rest of his life. Or he could learn to live with it. He could learn to accept that what happened to you was beyond him. It wasn’t something he couldn’t control.” 

I stared at the ground. 

“Will it be easy, though?” I asked. And I just heard him let out a small laugh. 

“It won’t be. Definitely not. But good things can’t be achieved too easily.” He looked at me and I looked at him. “You have to go through things and you won’t like most of them. But it will be worth it in the end.” He smiled and I did, too. 

Worth it. I am not too certain about that before. That all will be worth it when the time comes. But when it's Mikhael who says it, I think I can believe it. I think I can hope about it.

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