Faithfully Rogue

4: A Rogue dream

The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

~Ernest Hemingway

I toss and turn in bed trying to force myself to sleep, it's almost nine a.m. and I still do not feel sleepy. My session with Lare's therapist is set to start by ten a.m. tomorrow morning and as much as possible I'd like to be early and of a sound mind before I go to meet her. Lare and Vivian believe something is wrong with me no and I'll be damed if I end up proving them right. After a  long while of tossing and not feeling sleepy, my eyelids becomes heavy and slowly closes and the peace of a quiet mind comes in.

My eyes opens and as usual, sweat breaks out on my face at the same time my alarm clock begins to ring for eight a.m. and I pull myself and then reach out to turn off the loudly ringing alarm. The nightmare has hunted me for days now and every time I wake up with an ache in my heart and I don't know why I keep getting hunted by someone who's supposed to be dead and what the dream is intended to tell me.

I get up and make my way to the bathroom, there I shave off the few stubble on my face, before brushing and taking a bath.

Dressed in  causal white shirt and black jeans trouser, I step out of my car and approach the building matching the address on the card I got from Lare yesterday about the psychologist he'd scheduled a session with and I look ahead and take a deep breath before walking into the building.

Once on the third floor, I make my way to the 85th door and knock on it and wait for a few moment and the door soon opens to me and on the inside is not what I expected because when I mentally pictured Kemi who is my therapist, I pictured a much older woman probably in her seventies with grey hair and wrinkled face, but right now standing before me is a pretty woman, in her early thirties, wearing a pokadot top and a black pencil mouth skirt, on a small black heel. Her hair is a short curly dreadlock and her face maintain a somewhat natural look. There is no way in hell I'm confiding in someone as young as that. There must have been a mix-up somewhere I need a much older therapist.

"Good afternoon, you must be Mr Rogue Von Quaint, I have been expecting you, we have a  session scheduled for ten a.m. this morning."

"You're Ms. Kemi?" I blurt out, my voice laced in disappointment and so are my eyes.

She chuckles a little, "Yes I am, Mrs Kemi Okoye." She emphasizes on the Mrs properly and I got her point she's married, but that still doesn't help at all. "Please come in." She says stepping away from door and ushering me in.

“My friends believe that this is supposed to help me deal with my failed wedding and relationship and they compelled me into coming.” I say, cutting straight to the point as I step into her office. It's a well arranged home office a large desk at the centre of the room, but close to the large window behind her with file neatly arranged on it. There is a large shelf close to the window filled with book which are well arranged and I can remember Alex having a replica of that in her room and I always loved the fact that she loved to read. There is an adjustable chair set in front of the shelf and a small journal on it and I begin to wonder what is inside of it.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when she asks, “Do you think he’s right?”

"My relationship and marriage may have failed, but I  sure know that no one can help me." I answer conclusively and I sit down even before being offered a seat. "And no offense, but you are too young to even try." I flatly state.

"None taken,” she replies instantaneously as though expecting my statement and she remains calm as if I complimented her outfit. "I can't help you that's one thing I can assure you Mr—”

I cut her short, trying to remove the formalities as much as I can, if I wanted the title, I would have gone to my company instead, "Call me Rogue and if you did your homework after Lare told you about me, I think you would know a thing or two about me."

She nods slowly, "Okay Rogue, you can call me Kemi and like I said earlier, I can't help you; at least not on my own and yes I do know a few things about you because Lare told me to get myself updated, but still I'm gonna need your help as well so that way you'll be helping me to help you."

I've not really had much counselling in my life but I think she's the worse therapist. I can't wait to see the look on Lare's face when I tell him his therapist sucks.

“And you said this is going to help me how?” I ask, staring up at her.

She walks over to the adjustable chair set in front of the shelf and picks up a small journal then sits down, “Because opening up about your bad past will help you heal faster and move on to having a healthier relationship. Like you told me, your friend suggested therapy because of your failed relationship and wedding and I think that might have happened because of the many secrets you had, we could start off by talking about that and if you don't feel comfortable, we can talk about anything you want."

"I don't want to be here?" I say blankly feeling completely uncomfortable after she mentioned my failed relationship and wedding like she knew the first thing about it.

"Is there a reason that you feeling that way?"

I dim my eyes as I look at her and I wonder if this is a tricky question section, I think telling her exactly what's on my mind would be a failure on my part.

I sigh slowly, "Because they believe that something is wrong with me, do I look like someone that something is wrong with?"

"No you don't." she answers.

"Thank you," she even agrees with me, "you're not saying this to get me to like you are you?"

That seems to crack her up, but she shakes her head, "No, it's not because of that Rogue. I think you're alright physically, you're fit and better looking than I expected, but I cannot verge for your mental and emotional state and I think that's what your friends are worried about."

Oh she's good, I'll give her that.

"If I may ask, how have you handled your failed marriage and relationship?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have you done anything productive in the last few weeks your life went upside down?"

According to Vivian my failed wedding has turned me into a stalker and a mean friend, but from my view I was fighting for chance and to this moment I am still fighting.

"I've been fighting to make things right. I've tried to gain forgiveness from Alex for the wrong I've done."

She writes down something in the journal in her hand, "Alex your ex fiancée." I nod wordlessly, and she further asks, "Has that been positive so far?"

My eyes begins to sting as I didn't want to think, of what I may never have with Alex. "Not really, she still doesn't want to see me, she's still heartbroken."

"Do you want to talk what was wrong in the relationship?"

"The only thing wrong was me."

"We all make mistake and no one is without wrong doing."

"I guess you're right, I was just so afraid and in the end that was what destroyed us." I admit in defeat, I am still shocked that I'm opening up to her.

She quickly writes something down, "I'm sorry, I know how hard it can be, but you can make it past this pain and regret."

"I had a nightmare last night." I say before I am able to stop myself.

"Okay, what was it about?" She asks curiously.

There is something about her approach that makes me comfortable and willing to open up to her. I explain the nightmare I have been having for the past five days to her.

I see Alex walking towards me with a bright smile on her face, her hair is a nice ponytail, bringing out her beautiful face and she's wearing a short red print gown and her baby bump is big and I know we are so close to having our baby. Her big amber coloured eyes wide and happy and I pause not so sure that wide smile on her face is meant for me.

"Rogue!" She calls out as I pause on my movement from doubt and a little worry, "what are you waiting for? Common, I've missed you so much."

A weary frown appears on my face, but doesn't stay long and I nod, "I'm coming, I have missed you too my love." I breath out in relief, grinning happily before going to her.

I take her into my arms and hug her tightly, being careful at the same time to not hurt the baby. We pull apart and she stares up at me, her hand coming to touch my chest and it sends shivers down my spine and my groin tighten with needs I've ignored in these past weeks and my body betray my want to stay in control as my hand goes to hold and keep hers on my chest even as out gaze remain locked in each other's.

"What took you so long?" She asks, biting her lips slowly.

"I was afraid and ashamed of what you would think of me."

She gasps and hit my chest hardly, "I love you silly man. I'm always going to understand and support you; that's one of the bargain that comes with love. I am not supposed to love your good times alone, but bad times as well, your good past and bad ones, I'm supposed to love your flaws and scars and—"

I don't let her finish before kissing her deeply on the lips. She leans in closer and kisses me back, I pull away and my eyes open and I see her smile, causing me to smile as well.

"I love you Alex always have and always will." I find myself declaring happily.

Her finger goes up to trail the thin line of my lips which does more havoc to me than she can imagine and I don't know if she figured it out but she looks up at me and her smile widens, "I know." She assures.

I take her hands into mine and gently rub them as I begin to speak, "I don't want you to be in the dark anymore, I want you to know everything about me. I'm ashamed, but you love me and I will try to bear it all to you. I want to do it today."

She nods, her eyes bright and eager, "Okay."

I open my mouth to speak when I see the walls shaking greatly and the next moment they begin to crumble. I'm confused at what is happening, but I'm so terrified, more for Alex's safety than for mine and I take hold of Alex's hand and we begin to race out of the falling building in hope to get out to safety.

A large pillars falls down in front of us, causing dust to cover up the path so we can't see the way to go through. We slow down and I pull Alex closer, so that she's directly beside me. I need to keep her safe and I hate that this is happening now of all times and the last things I want is Alex getting hurt especially now that she's close to delivery.

"I'll get us out of here," I said, hurrying around the pillar currently serving as a form of obstruction to our path.

After moving past the block and the dust decreases, my vision clears and my heart almost stops beating when I see uncle Lorenzo standing, holding a smug smile on his face and I have no idea how he got in here, but one thing is for sure, he's treading on path he shouldn't be.

"What the f**k do you think you're doing here?" I demand anger cussing through my veins and my hands around Alex wrist tightens protectively. "You're supposed to be dead."

"I am not dead am I? And you are still the same naughty boy aren't you." His eyes are mocking and condescending.

I feel my insides turn in response to his words and a bitter feeling settles in my guts, "Well this naughty boy got bigger and stronger and he's no longer afraid of you anymore."

"Well that's not what I'm seeing," he says, turning his gaze to Alex beside me, "you're still the same old scared little boy that everyone always left behind. That's the only reason you haven't told her about me yet and if she is smart, she'll leave your pathetic ass and run!"

"Shut up!" I let go of Alex's hand and begin to storm towards him in hope to finally shut him up for good. I however halt in my movement when I see him pull out a gun and it stops me in my track and fear grips my heart not for me, but for Alex who is pregnant and defenceless behind me. "You're going to shoot me? Go on then, shoot me."

"You'd like that wouldn't you? You have been begging for death since that night when I made you mine body, mind and soul, you were eleven right?"

"You are a monster Lorenzo." I seethe on my stand, "you're a disgusting excuse of a man"

"Yes I am a monster, and you wouldn't want me another way." he c***s his gun and points it to my head, "you took everything from me boy, my job, my freedom, my life," he moves the gun and points it at Alex, "so I'm going to take away what you love. She is enough to ruin you forever and taking her will be worse than death." He says, pulling the trigger and I watch as the bullet swiftly moves and pierces through the lower left side of her chest and she falls to the ground.

"No!" I cry out loudly and run back to her and take her into my into and place my hand on the bullet wounded side trying to keep her with me even though I can see life leaving her amber coloured eye.

She whimpers and tears run down her face, "Stay with me Alex please stay with me." I plead, tears running down my face as I try to put pressure on her chest and have my hand covered with blood.

She groans out in pain as I apply pressure and more tears pour out, "Rog—Rooogue." She slurs out and blood gushes out of her mouth in he process

I try to hush her up, "Don't say anything we are going to get you out of here, hold on okay?"

Her hand in mine tightens around me and her mouth opens to speak, but no words comes out and she breathes her last in my hands.

"No!" I cry out at the top of my voice and I pull her closer to myself and sob sorrowfully, my heart shattering a thousand pieces and my world crumbling down before my very eyes.

"Then what happened?" Kemi asks, her gaze careful and fixed on me.

"I woke up." I answer and follow up with a sigh and rub my face slightly. "The dream has been constant and has hunted me for days and it's always the same. I try to talk with Alex and things goes bad and in the end she dies in my arms."

"Do you think these dreams you've had in the past few days has any sort of meaning from your view?"

I run my hand through my hair, "I don't know besides aren't you the therapist here? Shouldn't you job be like providing answers to my question?"

She nods before speaking, "Yes I am your therapist, but I am not supposed to provide answers to all your question, my job here is to observe, listen to you and my goal is to help you make decisions and clarify your feelings in order to solve the problems you are in now. If you work with me, together we can both fine answers to unanswered questions then my job will be complete."

My eyes narrow at her, "That's the horrible job."

She doesn't say anything for a while instead she just studies me and after a few moments she writes down something in her book, then looking back at me. "I think you're diverting from the question Rogue. Do you think there is a meaning to these dreams and if you do, do you want to share?"

I open my mouth, but the words don't come out and my mouth snaps close and I look away from her trying to push back the memory I've spent almost twenty years trying to forget.

"Based on what you've told me about this dream, is it possible that you're trying to run away from your past?"

"There is a reason why it's called the past." I grumble in a low voice, but it's loud enough for her to hear

"Someone once said, a past not well dealt with can become the present and destroy the future. And some of us are ashamed of our past because of how horrible it."

Hearing her say those words makes me glare at her, "What would you know about a horrible past."

"A lot, but you're the one who need to let go off yours today Rogue. Everything you tell me in this room stays safe with me and no one else is ever going to hear them, you have my word."

"Okay, where do you want me to start from?"

"From the very beginning." She replies without any hesitation.