Gray is My Heart

CHAPTER 1 I SIPPED MY glass of alcohol-free fruit punch, trying to make my face convey excitement I didn’t feel as I glanced at my watch. How soon could I leave without appearing rude? My friend Monica’s baby shower had promised to be a ridiculously over-the-top affair, and it didn’t disappoint. And when I said my friend Monica, I actually meant my husband’s colleague’s wife Monica, a vacuous blonde with a love of gossip and a tendency to laugh far too loudly at anything and everything. Monica’s equally insipid friend Mindy organised the shower, and she’d decreed that since Monica couldn’t drink any alcohol, none of the guests were allowed to either. Hurrah. Mindy had giggled like crazy when she made the announcement, head bobbing but hair firmly held in place by enough hairspray to be a fire hazard. As was usual for that sort of affair, Mindy had reserved the conservatory attached to the country club’s restaurant. Birthdays, christenings, bar mitzvahs—it saw them all. Although as Mindy lacked a little in the taste department, she’d filled it with so many balloons and streamers it reminded me of a high school dance. The mid-January temperatures hovered around freezing, but despite the last stubborn drifts of snow from last week’s storm clinging to the edges of the golf course outside, the conservatory must have been ninety degrees. The outfits in there all cost at least four figures and would probably only be worn once, so nobody wanted to ruin the effect by covering up with a thick sweater. I sighed as I nibbled on a sushi roll, bored out of my mind. The rebel inside me wished I had the guts to stand up for myself. Oh, how I longed to say, “You know what, Monica, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than spend another afternoon with people I barely know, eating low-calorie canapés and taking four hundred photos every time you unwrap yet another pair of baby booties.” But of course I never would. Monica’s baby shower was just another paragraph in the story of my life. Chapter after chapter, all the same, until the story ended. My epilogue would be a tombstone, a perfectly uniform white slab with nothing to make it stand out in a row of thousands. Here lies Georgia Ann Rutherford-Beaumont, Wife and daughter, Did exactly what everyone expected her to do. I’d much rather be curled up on the sofa with a good book and a glass of proper alcoholic red wine by my side. I loved to read a good thriller, to secretly wish I was one of the characters caught up in a web of espionage or faced with the challenge of solving a seemingly impossible mystery. That was the only excitement in my life—the adventures in my head. But staying at home wasn’t an option, because that wouldn’t make a good impression on my husband’s colleague, would it? I sighed quietly and glanced at my watch. Another half hour before I could reasonably make my escape. My mind drifted. How had my life come to this? I’d grown up as the daughter of Senator Robert Rutherford, and for as long as I could remember, I’d been expected to toe the line, never doing anything without considering how it might reflect on my father and his chances of re-election. My mother—my role model—spent her life supporting her husband, trotting along by his side like a perfectly turned out show pony. Try as I might, I couldn’t recall her having a hobby of her own, or friends, or any kind of interest she didn’t share with my father. Now I’d grown up and turned into her. And to make matters worse, my husband, Douglas Beaumont, never Doug, never Dougie, was becoming my father. The good senator, having been re-elected last November in a landslide, had just announced that he wouldn’t be seeking another term. Retirement beckoned. The next election promised to be competitive, but Douglas was determined to replace him. In the meantime, my husband’s life revolved around getting voted in as Congressman for the Third District of Virginia. His plan was to serve a couple of two-year terms in the House of Representatives, then run for my father’s seat in the Senate. Marty Danson, the current Member of Congress, was fighting a losing battle with pancreatic cancer, and it was only a matter of time before a special election was called. One man’s loss would be Douglas’s gain, or so he hoped. My father, delighted that his son-in-law wanted to continue in the family business, was behind him all the way. Which meant I was expected to be as well. So in public, I plastered on whatever facial expression the situation required—joy, sadness, excitement, seriousness… I could do them all. Really. Douglas insisted I practise my expressions in the mirror just like he did to be sure I didn’t slip up at some vital moment. At the table, another gift was unwrapped. “Ooh, diapers!” Monica squealed. “And look, they’ve got little teddy bears on them.” Cloth diapers, of course. The country-club crowd had to at least pretend to care about the environment, even if they got their nannies to use disposables as soon as nobody was watching. I carefully arranged my face into expression number seventeen, “excitement with a hint of responsibility.” Was this really what the rest of my life would be like? I feared I knew the answer. What other alternative did I have? At twenty-nine years old, I’d never done a proper day’s work in my life. Sure, I’d gone to college and gotten my degree, a major in accounting, a fittingly dull subject. But when it came to actually getting a job, both my father and then later my husband insisted I didn’t need to work. According to Douglas, supporting him was my full-time job, and he generously provided me with a monthly allowance so I could buy “whatever it is women buy.” He did let me out one day a week to volunteer at the animal shelter, but he moaned about the smell every time I got home. All that meant I got lonely. But what was new? The buzz of conversation about kids made me think back to my own childhood. A little girl, sitting in a professionally decorated bedroom, surrounded by the latest toys, accessories, and outfits. But no friends. “Mom, nobody likes me,” I’d say. “Nonsense, Georgia. You’ve been invited to Charlotte’s party this weekend.” “Charlotte’s mean.” “Don’t be silly. She wouldn’t have invited you if she didn’t want you to go. Now, wash your hands for dinner.” Ten-year-old me was always the good girl, so I did go and wash my hands, even though I wasn’t hungry. Charlotte never passed up an opportunity to be nasty, and her party wouldn’t be any different. Yesterday, she’d stolen my homework out of my bag, then I got told off by the teacher while Charlotte and her cronies stood around sniggering. And afterwards, I heard them talking about me in the bathroom while I sat in a stall, too scared to leave. “What did you do with Georgia’s homework?” a girl asked, I recognised the lisp of Charlotte’s best friend. “Threw it in the trash. That’s where it belonged.” A chorus of giggles. How many were out there? Three? Four? Then, “Is she coming on Saturday?” “Mom made me invite her. My daddy wants Georgia’s daddy to invite him into some club.” “Eew! And I bet she’ll bring that creepy bodyguard.” “And wear one of those stupid frilly dresses.” “Mom says I have to be nice to her, but I stole chilli pepper to put on her food. You guys have to help me.” They moved away while I sat shaking with my underwear around my ankles, vowing not to eat anything at Charlotte’s, not even a slice of birthday cake. Things hadn’t changed a whole lot now, although the lack of food at parties was due to the fact that most of my acquaintances had eating disorders, some real, some imagined. I still only got invited places because of who my father and husband were. People only talked to me because they wanted something. Oh sure, conversations would start off innocently enough, but sooner or later—usually sooner—they’d turn to Douglas or Daddy. Did I think Douglas might be interested in a new business opportunity? Was my father free three weekends from now to open a school fair? Did the senator’s office have any vacancies for interns? Because a second cousin twice removed was just dying to work in politics. Of course, I didn’t know the answers to any of those questions. Over the years, I’d learned how to let people down gently, and once they realised I was of no use to them, they drifted away. I didn’t have an identity of my own. My thoughts were interrupted by Mindy. “Georgia, darling, would you like more faux champagne?” No, I wouldn’t. I’d drunk one glass, and I still had the bitter aftertaste in my mouth. It would be rude to decline, though. “I’d love some. How kind of you to offer.” Discreetly, I looked around for a plant pot to pour it into, but the potted palms were on the other side of the room. Getting to them would require me to brave the gauntlet of the tennis club, and I’d rather die of alcohol poisoning. Would I ever have the guts to live my own life? Rapidly approaching thirty, I couldn’t see any prospect of change on the horizon. Perhaps this was my destiny, to live out my days as a Stepford wife. I sighed as I pretended to sip. Don’t be so ungrateful, Georgia. There were most likely women out there who’d kill for my life. As well as money from my father and Douglas, I’d gotten full control of my trust fund at twenty-eight, and that was not insignificant. Days spent shopping and supervising the household staff were hardly taxing, and considering the big birthday I had coming up in a few weeks, I didn’t think I looked half bad. Monthly salon visits meant my blonde hair was perfectly highlighted, I could put on make-up like a pro, and regular yoga plus an hour with a personal trainer every other day kept my butt looking perky. My clothes were always fashionable, if somewhat dull, chosen to accentuate my behind and boobs. Not my knees—they were bony and I hated them—but as Douglas informed me, anything above the knee made me look like a lady of the night so I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts or miniskirts anyway. The downside was that every other day I had some function or other to attend, events where I had to be nice and polite to a bunch of people I couldn’t stand, all while trying to remember their names and other pertinent facts so people would smile at Douglas and remark what a lovely wife he had. Monica let out a squeal of glee, bringing my attention back to the room. She’d just unwrapped Mindy’s gift, which was so big that two of the waiters had been co-opted to carry it in from her SUV. “A stroller! I can’t believe you got me a stroller!” Monica leapt up and hugged Mindy, who grinned as wide as her Botox would allow. Beautiful. At some point in the future, I’d be expected to have a child or two of my own. My father, impatient for grandkids, had already given Douglas a long lecture on the importance of family to an election campaign. A candidate needed to show voters he could empathise with them on family-related policies, and what better way to do that than to have his own child? I wasn’t so keen on the idea. Nightmares from my own childhood still plagued me, the whirlwind of rallies and meet-and-greets where I’d been passed around strangers like some sort of novelty. I wouldn’t wish that on any son or daughter of mine. Speaking of Douglas, tonight was date night. Every week he made sure he took me out for dinner, just the two of us. Like I said, I should make more of an effort to appreciate him because he did try in his own way to make me happy. He just wasn’t terribly good at it. We’d be going to Claude’s, which was where we went in the third week of every month. Why? Because it was the third most expensive restaurant in Richmond. Douglas hated five-week months because it meant he had to stoop as low as La Gallerie, a restaurant-s***h-art gallery which was only the fifth priciest place in town. Several months ago, I’d suggested we could make a small variation to our repertoire and visit a different restaurant, but Douglas had stared at me, aghast, as if I’d just grown horns and a pointy tail. “Darling,” he said, “we always go to Claude’s. You love the salmon coulibiac there.” “Maybe we could try something new?” “Let’s not do anything rash.” And so that was that. After dinner, we’d have s*x, which was another area where my life was lacking. s*x. That was all it was. Not making love or f*****g or anything that could be construed as having emotional involvement. Douglas didn’t use the Kama Sutra. His approach came straight out of a biology textbook. Insert part A into aperture B. And I would lie there, making appropriate noises while Douglas pounded into me until he came and I didn’t. Always in bed. Always in the missionary position. Never taking more than half an hour. I swear Douglas allocated s*x a time slot in his schedule just like everything else, and he also thought foreplay was something to do with golf. Then while I lay there, trying to recall the last time I’d felt my belly flutter or my pulse race, he’d disappear off to bet on the stock market or write campaign speeches or whatever else it was he felt an urgent need to do at eleven o’clock at night. At first, the coldness used to bother me, but I’d talked it to death with my therapist. He’d helped me to recognise that I valued responsibility, respectability, and safety above excitement and thrills, and that was what I’d chosen when I married Douglas. Sure, there were times I wished he’d cuddle me or even just look at me with a modicum of affection, but those disappointments were outweighed by the life he provided for me. Over the years, my heart froze over. Love wasn’t a factor in the life I’d picked. Monica unwrapped another gift. More applause sounded. Oh, right, I’d brought that one—a tiny T-shirt with the slogan “My Mommy Loves Me.” Yellow because I hadn’t a clue whether the bump was going to be a boy or a girl. Judging by the abundance of pink all over the table, Monica was having a girl. I must’ve missed that announcement. I put on expression number twenty-four, “gratitude,” as Monica offered me faux-thanks. Time ticked on. At long last, Monica opened the final gift, and I let out an internal cheer. A blue bunny? Either somebody else hadn’t gotten the message, or Monica was having twins. While the waiters stuffed wrapping paper into trash bags, I put on expression number fourteen, “disappointment,” and tried to mask my happiness at finally being able to leave. “Monica, thank you so much for inviting me. Lunch was delicious, and the non-alcoholic fizz was something else.” I started to stand, and the waiter hovering behind me leapt forward to pull my chair back. Monica’s face fell in faux-disappointment. “You have to go already? We’re just about to play baby-themed charades.” Oh gee, in that case… It would be a lucky escape. “I wish I could stay, but Douglas is expecting me back.” Mindy leaned towards me as I put on my jacket. “Since you’re leaving early, I should probably mention that we’re also using today to help mothers less fortunate than ourselves. We’re each going to donate a hundred dollars to the Baby Basket.” “What’s the Baby Basket?” “It’s a charity that helps poor people to buy basic necessities for their babies.” She wrinkled her nose, as if talking about those less fortunate might somehow associate her with them. “Oh, sure, I’ll just grab my chequebook.” It was Douglas’s money anyway, and he always liked giving to charity. He liked it even more when he could do it while handing over one of those giant novelty cheques, preferably with a photographer or two in attendance. I rummaged in my purse until I found my chequebook and the ridiculously expensive fountain pen my father had given me last Christmas. Pretentiousness above practicality every time, that was Daddy. In my haste to get the cheque written, I flicked off the cap, and the damn thing flew under the table. I cursed as I bent to retrieve it, only in my head, of course, because a well-bred lady should never say such things out loud. Not when anybody else could hear, anyway. As I stooped, the splatter of something warm landed on the back of me, and gelatinous lumps slid down my neck. That damned waiter! What had he dropped? A plate of truffle ravioli? Leftover soup? As if today hasn’t been bad enough already. First, I’d had to endure my mother’s company at breakfast, then Monica’s party, and I still had the joys of dinner to look forward to. Well, at the very least the country club would be paying my dry cleaning bill. I only hoped that whatever it was came out. Not that I particularly loved the outfit, but having to go to the effort of choosing a new one to wear this evening left me feeling peeved. The first screams came as I turned to make my feelings known to the hapless clown, biting back the words I really wanted to say. It took a second for me to register the waiter was no longer standing behind me. A further second to see him lying on the floor. Time slowed as I took in his head, or rather what had once been his head but was now a mass of bone and blood and grey mush. The pale edge of a broken tooth stuck out like a small white flag of surrender. All around me, the screams continued, high pitched, getting louder. The last thing I remembered, before everything went black, was realising my voice was among them.