Your Blush Is My Favorite

love me twice

his lips trembled as he stared at his hunched figure in the mirror. arms tightly wound around his stomach, he wanted to look away. he desperately wanted to look away and forget what he saw because it hurt. it was the kind of hurt that you couldn't see but it lingered far longer than any physical wound could. it was the kind of hurt that made your lungs feel on fire. it was the kind of hurt that spread until your body was numb. it was the kind of hurt that made him hate himself. 

and god did it hurt. 

he was trying, taehyung was really trying. at first it was for jimin because jimin wanted him to. he didn't always try. he'd grown used to jimin whispering sweet nothings against his honeyed skin, telling him just how beautiful he was. he'd grown too used to it he found out, when jimin had found him in the bathroom throwing up. there were no sweet whispers of how much he was loved, how beautiful he was. there were tears but they weren't only taehyung's this time. 

jimin had gone down on his knees after taking hold of taehyung hands tightly, ready to console taehyung but nothing but a cry left his lips. taehyung flinched harshly, as though he was hit. 

no, he couldn't be crying, was his first thought. jimin didn't cry. jimin was the strong one, he was the one with the confidence, he loved himself. 

but even after he blinked he was still there, crying with his head bowed and sobbing for taehyung to try. "please taehyungie," he sobbed, "it hurts so much. i hate- it hurts so much to see you hate yourself when you're so- you-" he shoulders shook violently as he gasped, "you're so beautiful taehyung." taehyung remembers the look in his eyes when he lifted his head. he looked broken. "you're so beautiful and no matter how much i say it, you don't think you are and i hate it. i ha-hate it so much and it hurts." 

taehyung didn't realize silent tears were streaming down his cheeks until jimin was crying harder. yet, he still wiped them away and cupped his cheeks with shaky hands. "please try, taehyung. i wa-want to tell you you're beautiful and you believe me. i want you to look at yourself and think you're b-beautiful without me having to say it." he sniffled and pressed his forehead to taehyung's. 

they silently gazed at each other through their blurred vision. jimin at some point closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to taehyung lips so they'd stop shaking with silent sobs. and no matter how tightly he squeezed his eyes shut, the tears wouldn't stop. "i just want you to learn how to love yourself." 

so taehyung started to try because jimin wanted him to. whenever jimin made food for them he would force himself to eat at least half. or when they'd go out with friends, he forced himself to make at least a small attempt to talk with them. he even got a part time job at an animal shelter. so taehyung tried whenever jimin was around because it was for him. 

but when he wasn't around, he threw up the food he forced himself to eat. he would curl in on himself so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. he quit his job only two weeks later and pretended to be out because he wanted to show jimin he was trying. of course he'd told him eventually and he smiled and told him he was proud of him for trying. it only made him feel worse. 

standing in front of the mirror now, he didn't want to try for jimin anymore. he wanted to try for himself. he wanted to love himself because he wanted to. god, he really wanted to. 

his lips wobbled, the urge to break down so strong but he willed himself not to as hard as it was. he forced himself to look even as his eyes begged to clamp shut. 

he was trying for himself now. so, he looked and he stared. he stared for a while. starting at his face, he studied every feature and slowly moved down his naked body until he could point out every little thing he hated. he stopped at his stomach when it got too blurry to see. until it got too much. 

no matter how hard he was trying, he couldn't help the whimper that fell from his lips. a cry followed, turning into a sob until he was openly spiraling. it hurt so much. 

he clutched at the bathroom sink until his hands turned white. he tried to make himself look again but it hurt too much. he was done trying today, he decided. 

he'll try again tomorrow. 

-

jimin smiled sleepily and turned on his side to face taehyung as he woke up. "g'morning." and taehyung blinked slowly, giving a small smile back. 

"hey." their legs were tangled under the blanket he noticed. "have you been awake awhile?" 

"not that long." he lifted his hand and gently sank it through taehyung's hair. "did you sleep okay, baby?" he nodded silently, leaning into his touch. jimin cooed and lightly scratched at his scalp. "that feel good, taetae?" 

"i feel good." he admitted softly. the hand in his hair stopped briefly before continuing. 

"that's good, tae. that's really good." he smiled widely. he looked so in love that it made taehyung's stomach churn. did he look like that? he hoped so. "yesterday was a lot, wasn't it? i was so anxious.. hearing you. i know you had to do that for yourself but i still wanted to hold you and tell you everything's okay." a smile spread across his lips as he ruffled the younger's hair playfully. "you're my baby." 

and taehyung smiled back shyly, feeling lighter that yesterday. "m'your baby." 

"huh? what was that?" he inched further. 

"m'your baby." he uttered softly. 

jimin teased at his sides. "i can't hear you." 

he gasped loudly and instantly started squirming. "min! noo~" he couldn't stop the giggles spilling from his mouth even if he wanted. 

"say it!"

"st-stop! i'm your baby!" jimin gave mercy on his poor boyfriend and giggled at his now pouting face. "that was mean." 

"you should've listened." he easily kissed his pout away, smiling widely against his lips. it was contagious, taehyung realized when he started to smile too. not nearly as large as jimin's but it was a smile. 

jimin pulled back and pet his hair slowly. taehyung hoped he looked nearly as in love as he did. one day he'd gain the confidence to ask. "you're okay?" he'd asked quietly. "you feel okay?" 

and taehyung nodded, not as confident as it would be in the months to come, but better than it was from the months before. "i'm trying." he promised.