COLD

===================== I put my diary on my bed.  For a split second, I stare at my silent friend, lying still on my well-spread small bed. The only true friend I ever had. The only one that never judged me... Never misunderstood me... Never hurt me... Never embarrassed me... Or made fun of me... Never harassed me... Never mortified me... Never Humiliated me... My Dear Diary... My only true friend. All of 'them' were fake. Backstabbers. Pretenders. Wolves in sheep's skin. But, I hope it gets to him... This diary... My dear diary... "You fat rat!" Mom bangs on the door. That's what she calls me every morning when she's furiously waking me up. "Mom, I'm in the shower!" I lie. "You better not be late for school! I'm not paying your college fee for nothing!" I hear her footsteps scampering around the room before she slams the door. She's off to work. Fortunately for her, this would be the last morning she'd ever bang on my door insulting me as she strained to get me out of bed reminding me just how much she was spending on my college fee. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my mom's effort to put me up in college. She has worked her a*s off to make sure I get the best education. Go to the best college. Get the best grades. But... Sometimes I wondered... Is it all she cared about? My education? She was so engrossed in educating me she forgot that I'm her child.... That I'm human. She didn't care about my health... My mental health... The only thing my 'dear' mother cared about is my grades. That. And only that. But... I'll be out of her life... Finally... Like she always wanted... She wouldn't have to pay my college fee anymore... Or get me food... Or shelter me... Or keep checking my bed at night to make sure I haven't sneaked out to see boys. She always warned that she'd kill me if I ever dared got into a relationship with a boy. I know moms warn their kids about these kinds of stuff but I knew from the bottom of that cold heart, she meant every word. Every. Single. Word. She would LITERALLY kill me. But, that wasn't enough to stop me from being quite the adventurous wild one with him, did it? Sometimes... Sometimes I wish I could have listened to her... I wish I'd never gotten involved with 'boys'... I wish I never got involved with 'them'. Maybe all this wouldn't have happened... Maybe I wouldn't be planning to vanish like this. But they'll all be happy, right? Wait, will they even notice my absence? They least cared about my presence anyway... So, why would they give a s**t about my absence? I stand still, glaring at myself in the mirror and I can't help but grimace. I hate the girl staring back at me. Her pale skin. Her protruding hazel eyes. Her chubby cheeks. Her round bulbous nose. Her split chin. Her crooked teeth. Her straight frizzy dry hair. Staring at the girl in the mirror the last time, I thought... I thought that maybe... Maybe I'd feel a tinge of affection for her. But I don't. I still hate her. But there's a time I loved looking at her. Back when she was... Skinnier... Prettier... Back when guys at school winked and whistled at her when she passed with a g**g of her friends. Back when girls wanted to be friends with her. Back when she could wear a crop top without her belly poking out because her tummy was tight and flat... Back when her pants fit at the waistline without having to hold her breathe as she squeezed them up... Back when she didn't have to worry about what she'd wear the next day because every dress in her closet fit. "Goodbye, fat rat." The girl in the mirror smirks, waving at me. She is happy I'm doing this. She had convinced me time and again to try this out... That it wouldn't be painful. But... I was scared. Hesitant. I thought... I thought... Maybe life has a brighter side to it. Maybe we go through the dark cold night to appreciate the sun when it finally rose up. I tried so hard to be optimistic. And then it finally hit me that life has divided it's people into three groups : It's Friends, it's Enemies and those it really just doesn't give a s**t about, Others. Life loves and favors it's Friends. It hates and tortures it's Enemies... And the Others, well... It cared less if they existed or not. Unfortunately, life made an enemy out of me. There's a time, I can say, life pretended to be my friend but it showed it's true colors in the end. It sapped off my confidence as the months went by, ripped me off of any self love I had and buried the old joyful optimistic me six feet under. I gaze at my dressing table. Lipstick. Mascara. Foundation. Eyepencil. Eyeshadow. Eyeliner. Concealer. All tools that I used to hide my ugliness. My flaws. But even with make-up, they still called me a 'pig'. But atleast, I'd be a beautiful pig today. After finishing up with make-up, I open my closet and take out my white silky night gown. It embraces my curves right. I stare in the mirror after I slide into the sleeping gown. My n*****s are poking out and my hips are drawn out perfectly. I let down my hair, letting it tumble smoothly on my back. I wave at her. She waves back with a happy grin. She can not even conceal her excitement. I take one last glance at my room and shut the door, wondering if it will miss me. Wondering if it will miss me crying on the bed. Sobbing at my dressing table. Glaring at myself in the mirror. Sitting beside the window with tears scalding my eyes, trying to breathe. Trying not to get suffocated by sadness. My room won't miss me... No one will miss me... I step outside with my feet bare. For the first time, I enjoy the air beating my nostrils and sinking down to my lungs. I enjoy breathing. I enjoy the warm rays of the sun caressing my pale skin and the soft wind rippling through my night gown. I take a deep breathe, smiling. "What a beautiful day!" Even the universe is celebrating this day with me. It's been long since I saw the sun up. I feel someone hug me from the back. The little hands. It's Bobby. "Hey you naughty little thing," I shuffle his hair as I squat to hug him. "You look beautiful, bestie!" That's what the seven-year-old boy calls me. "Aren't you late for school? The old witch will kill you!" The old witch is what he calls my mom. I giggle. "She's gone to work." "Don't go to school today," he pleads. "I'm not going to school today, Bobby." He shrieks with excitement. "Yes!" He looks down at my feet and asks, "Where are your shoes?" "I don't need them where I'm going." "I thought we were going to play!" he grumbles. "So you're going somewhere?" I nod sadly. He beams. "Can I come with you? I don't mind taking off my shoes too." "No." He frowns. "So you're leaving me?" Tears sting my eyes. "I'll miss you." "When are you coming back?" I stay silent... "Bobby!" His mother, our neighbor, is standing at her doorstep barking at her son. The little boy scampers towards his mom, scared. She gawks at me, scanning me from head to toe. She shows pure disgust at the revealing night gown I'm wearing. "What did I tell you about talking to that girl!" she scolds her son. "You're grounded!" She sneers at me and slams the door. I stand, staring at the door. I'm not sure if I'm going to be missed but I know for a fact little Bobby is going to miss me... "Goodbye..." I'm dancing and humming as I march up the stairs. I pass a few people who are staring at me like I'm crazy. Some I know. Some I don't. But I don't care... I've never felt so full of life... So full of Bliss... Pure Bliss... I finally get to the venue. The rooftop. I sashay to the edge, my heart hammering faster. Not because of fright. Because of excitement. Because of Bliss. I stand at the edge of the rooftop. I stare down at the busy town. The crowd of people in a rush. The traffic of cars honking. Dozens of hawkers persuading customers. A pregnant woman walking her dog. She suddenly looks up and points up at me in alarm. "Look!" she screams. Everyone stops and looks up. The first time I've ever gotten that kind of attention. The first time I've ever had these many people stop to look at me. I smile broadly and look up at the sky. What a beautiful day to die! Screams and wails erupt. What a rhythm! I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. Peace... Finally... I jump. =============================