CHAPTER: 3
1093 Words
The first time Vienna had an anxiety attack, she had thought she was going to die. She had tried calling for help, but she could not get the words out. It had not mattered-- no one could have heard her then. That was because her mother was dead. Her sister Tina was dead. They were dead, and they could not hear her.
Vienna tried not to think about it. She encouraged herself, 'Breath, just breathe,' but the other voice in her head kept saying, "Dead, dead, dead.' Her chest squeezed tighter, her arms went completely numb, as she prayed that no one would come in and find her wheezing and crying, or worse, passed out on the floor.
She struggled to catch her breath. The tightness in the throat spiked her panic. It was like trying to get air through an ever-narrowing tube. She could hear herself wheezing, an ugly and panicked sound. Dark spots danced in front of her eyes. She had similarly passed out previously after a panic attack. She started praying, 'Please God, not here at school. They would all find her, and they will all know. Crazy Vienna. Orphan Vienna.'
The door opened, and she wheezed again. "Help me. Please help me." The words came out in an inaudible squeak. She collapsed against the stall as the world went dark.
"What on earth?" It was a woman's voice. It was the last thing she heard before hitting the bathroom floor.
***********
"Does your head hurt?" The school nurse gazed at Vienna from beneath her reddish-brown bangs as she ran a thermometer across her forehead.
After blinking a couple of times, Vienna replied, "No." She felt perfectly fine. It was as though nothing at all had happened.
"Good." She shined a small light into her eyes. "You did not hit your head too hard, and your pupil looks good. A concussion on the head is not a big concern. Do you have any nausea?" the nurse asked.
Vienna shook her head. "No."
"Excellent. And no fever, too." The nurse then checked her pulse, counting silently while checking her watch. "Your heart rate seems normal too, so no issues there." The nurse turned her back to Vienna and started scribbling in a notebook. "Has this been happening to you recently?" the nurse asked.
Vienna sat up, still surprised that she felt fine. "Fainting?"
The nurse nodded. "And the anxiety attacks."
For a minute, Vienna did not say anything. "I passed out last week... but I think I had the flu."
The nurse turned to look at her, arching an eyebrow. "Huh. I did not know the flu was still going around."
Shrugging, Vienna said, "It could have been just a cold."
"But cold does not make a person faint," the nurse said.
Vienna bent her head. "Hmm."
The nurse crossed her arms against her chest, looking quite serious in a scrub. "Anxiety attacks are nothing to be ashamed about, Vienna. They are quite common. And particularly, you have been through an awful lot."
"I just felt dizzy in the bathroom. I skipped breakfast." That at least was the truth, Vienna thought.
The nurse gave her a long look. "What about the marks on your body? Do you want to tell me about that? You can talk to me, you know that."
Vienna stared at her blankly. "What marks?"
"The ones on your right side," the nurse said.
Vienna shook her head again. "I do not know what you are talking about."
"Lift the hem of your shirt." Vienna did, and the nurse came closer, pointing to the lower right side of her torso, on the edge of her back. "Right here."
Looking down, Vienna pulled her skin forward a bit so she could see better. There were some small red scabs, about eight of them. "I did not even know these were there. Are they rashes, by any chance?"
"It is not a rash. They are wounds." The nurse just looked at her.
"Maybe I scraped myself when I passed out." Vienna shook her head. "How could I cut my own back? I can't even see what is there."
The nurse brushed the bangs off her face. "It is a spot that is easy to hide."
Vienna shook her head. "I have never hurt myself. I do not know what those marks are."
"Just remember that I am here if you need someone, okay?" The nurse sighed. "Let me get you something to eat. Do not stand up just yet." She searched around in the closet then handed her an apple juice and some orange crackers. "The guidance counselors said you refused to meet them after the accident," the nurse said.
Vienna shrugged as she sipped juice. "I have a caseworker. Is not that enough?"
"Are things okay with your foster placement?" the nurse asked.
Vienna wondered that the nurse knew way more than she had expected. And she thought that Vienna was hurting herself. They must have all been talking about her? She must have actually been the topic of a staff meeting on 'Kids whose family died and what to watch for.'
"It is fine," Vienna replied as she ate some crackers then nodded at her. "I am feeling better. Can I get back to class? I have a test."
The nurse pursed her lips. "Sure. But if you feel dizzy again or anything else, come and see me. It is quiet here. And safe. And you won't hurt yourself if you happen to pass out."
Vienna grabbed her backpack and nodded. "Thanks."
"You did not let me help you," the nurse called after her, "but you are still welcome."
***********
Vienna could not sleep that night. She lay in bed, thinking about the day in an endless loop. That was the third panic attack she'd had since the accident. The first time was right when she found out about her Mom and Tina. She had then thought she was having a heart attack. The paramedics gave her something, and she felt her heart rate slow. Her arms stopped tingling, and her throat opened up enough so that she could breathe again.
But this attack was the worst. It came on swiftly and without stimulus. And as soon as she had known what was happening, her embarrassment contributed to the problem. Her arms tingled, her heart pounded, and she had felt her anxiety spike. Will it happen to her in class? Will people see her body shake and hear her wheezing? And lastly, she thought, was she going crazy?
- Writer
