The Cold Queen

I sat on the throne, my corset digging into my skin. It was making it hard for me to breathe. I will have bruises on my sides again. Oh, gods, how much I hated sitting here. This was my most hated part of being a queen. It was not the difficult sessions or the pressure of making the right decision that thousands of lives depended on… no, it was sitting here like a freaking porcelain doll. Putting on a show for everyone, pretending that I enjoy sitting right here in front of everyone, letting each of them judge every move I make and do not make. In reality, I would rather walk barefoot on hot coals. My face hurts from all this fake smiling and not being able to take a full breath in, was making me a bit dizzy. Shit how much time has passed? My eyes travelled to the window from which I could see the clock tower. Only half an hour… So it means I need to sit here for two more hours until it will be appropriate for me to leave. I met Godfeys eyes across the room and he sent an apologetic look in my direction. He was the only one in this room that knew how I felt about sitting here. Godfrey is a good man, probably the only one in this room that truly believed that I was the one that should rule this country. When my father passed away he was the only one to believe that I could do this. He was the only one that helped me push through those first horrible years, when even I didn’t believe that I could do this. Hell, even now, there are days when I doubt if I am fit for the throne and if I am worthy of leading them. When I look back and see all the mistakes I made, when I see all the decisions I made and how I should have made a different decision that would have benefited the kingdom so much more. Hell, I want to resign… but then I know that next to take my place would be my sister and I refuse to put her through the same things I went through when my parents died. So I take a deep breath and promise myself and the kingdom that I will do better, that I will be better. My eyes wandered back to the clock, showing me that another half an hour had passed. Great another hour and a half and then I can go review the suggestions I was presented by the council this morning. With all this preparation for the ball, I didn't have enough time to do my usual checks of every secret I signed under. I made the mistake of trusting the council once and it hurt not only my name but the kingdom itself, so I refuse to let it ever happen again when I can prevent it. I released a frustrated breath, forgetting how painful it would be to take the next one in. This ball was my sister's idea and she insisted on organizing it on her own, but then somehow it was pushed onto me and it was so exhausting. Today is our parents' 25th wedding anniversary and the 7th anniversary of their death. My heart still breaks with the memory of Godfrey's predecessor coming into my room that f*****g morning to announce that our parents were dead and I was the new queen. At that moment, I lost so many things that it still feels surreal. I lost not only my mother and father, two people that were closest to me... but also a part of me died. That morning process Eliza died and Queen Eliza was born... Long live the queen, I guess. One tear rolled down my cheek mourning the loss not only of my parents but myself, as I accepted the news and held ten-year-old Alexa in my arms. She was so broken over losing them, she cried for days but had no such luxury. One evening I went to sleep like a young carefree teenager… well as carefree as any firstborn child in royalty is… and I woke up the Queene. Years that my parents and I were sure we had until I would need to take over the throne and learn all that would come with it were gone. Our parents were away on their journey back from my mother's homeland. Their ship was caught in a storm and there were no survivors. At least that was what we were told. My sister never got over losing them. To this day, I find her crying in our mother's room from time to time. I, on the other hand… I hadn’t spilt a tear since that morning. It was like that part of me, that felt and experienced emotions had died with them. And Alexa hated me for it. She hated me for the fact that I didn’t cry during their funeral or memorial every year after. Sometimes I am sure she thinks that I do not mourn them or feel the pain of losing them, but she couldn’t be further from the truth. I miss them, but I can’t show any weakness. Our family were not fans of me taking over after our father died. They wanted to see my father's brother, our uncle, take the throne, but my father never trusted him. He made it clear that under no circumstances should he come into power. So I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening, even if it means letting my sister hate me and suffering through all this in silence. Alexa had the idea for this ball to honour our parents' love. She wanted our people to remember their love and how happy they were and not the pain of losing them. I am not sure if she was aware, but the love she was talking about was just another arranged marriage. Sure they enjoyed each other's company… but love felt a bit too strong of a word to describe their relationship. Father was always busy with ruling and mother was busy with us, so they rarely spent time together. Don’t get me wrong, they loved us and I know that, but their feelings for each other were more along the lines of friendship that grew a bit deeper over time. But I didn’t have it in my heart to break her dream… even if I would need to soon. She is turning eighteen next month and I need to start planning her future with more care. She needs a good match… I will ask Godfrey to have a list of possible suitors… We had a short discussion about it when she turned sixteen and she made it clear that she is going to marry only for love, but love won't feed her or take care of her. She needs a man that can provide for her, that can give her a life that she is used to and deserves. I won't push her to do it because I know she would refuse it out of principle… no, I will have to be sneaky about it. I will place the perfect suitor in her surroundings and I know she will that I was right. The movement to the side of the room caught my attention. One of the guards ran towards Godrey. A moment later, Godfrey apologized to the minister he was talking to and walked in my direction. He lowered his head with a hand over his heart and whispered. “Quine.” “Yes.” “We have a visitor.” “What? Who is he?” “The guards do not recognize him, he said that he is here to claim his bride and he has a royal cross on his horse.” I took a deep breath but the pressure from the corset stopped me. “Take him into my study I will be there in a few.”