Night Changes

6.

My unset alarm that was Asher went off just as the sun peeked out of the clouds. The apartment still dim from the lack of total sunlight streaming in, today was the day. Groaning from knowing how early it was I rubbed my eyes while I swung my legs over the couch and swiped the blanket off of me.

Slowly making my way to the sounds of the crying baby I saw him squirming on my bed where I had left him last night. His face was scrunched as he pulled his arms and legs into his body crying out for someone to meet his needs. Liam didn't seem to be bothered by the baby's low crying as I picked him up and sat him in my arms.

"I'm here now... Shhhh." I trailed shutting the door so Liam would go undisturbed by the crying baby. Bouncing him in my arms I felt his soft hands move against my bare chest while I navigated to the kitchen. "Guess what today is?" I asked him not expecting an answer from the non speaking baby.

The more I spoke the less he cried. I was getting to think that he liked my tone of voice, it soothed him. "Today is our goodbye!" I tried to smile at him but it came off as weak rather then happy. Letting out small fusses while I shook his bottle I bounced and did my best to calm him down completely.

"You get to be with a mommy and daddy that will love you and take care of you." Putting the bottle into Asher's mouth I saw his eyes searching for a meaning to what I was saying. Words were only words to him and to him none of them made sense. Moving him down into my arms I tilted the bottle into his mouth for him to eat, rocking him while I walked around the small apartment living space.

My heart was hurting in my chest as I held Asher in my arms. His small amount of weight that I carried and his little curious eyes staring at me only making the factor worse. I was doing exactly what his mum did to him, giving him away. Although I was doing it for him, I wanted a better life for my baby that I couldn't give him.

"Do you want to burp for me?" I asked him once he had finished his bottle. Moving him back till he was propped up on my shoulder I began to pat his back gently to provoke a burp. Curling his toes as I tapped his back I felt him belch out just as a stream of liquid streamed down my back.

"s**t!" I swore pulling Asher away from me and laying him on the rug on the floor. Running to the kitchen to clean my back and shoulder of the white spit up.

Hearing him start to whin out I made sure to hurry and pick him back up. I could already smell the urine mixing with fecal matter in his diaper as he looked at me with discomfort.

"It's okay buddy, we are going to get you all cleaned up!" I assured him bending down to lay him back on the floor where all my supplies was still cluttering the floor. Unbuttoning his onesie that smelled more like urine I slid it off and over his head till he was only wearing his diaper and socks.

Being quicker then last time I slid on the dish gloves and went to work on cleaning up the mess in his diaper before replacing it with a clean diaper. Making sure the diaper was fastened to his waist I clamped the tongs around the dirty diaper and walked across the room to throw it out.

"Shall we get you ready to leave?" I asked him, picking Asher up and sitting him in my arms. His naked body against my bare chest brought me to an even deeper sadness as I felt his soft skin along my chest.

"You heading out?" Louis came up from behind startling me as I laid Asher into his car seat he had came to me in. Keeping him naked with only a diaper and socks I pulled his arms through the straps to buckle him.

"Yeah, I just want to get this over with." I confessed buckling the straps and covering him with the blanket he had come with.

"Yeah... Good luck man." Louis said eyes lingering on the baby that was adjusting to being in his car seat again. Finding a shirt on the floor I pulled it over my head and gave Louis a bro hug before picking up the car seat.

"Thanks mate." I thanked Louis once I had the handle of the car seat in my hands.

"Bye bye baby!" Louis waved to the infant who then cracked a little smile for him in return to Louis' acknowledgment.

"See ya mate." I waved walking out the door to the sound of Asher cooing as we entered the hallways of the apartment building. My heavy heart sunk in my chest as we rode down the elevator to the lobby, we were that much closer to the car that would take us to the police station.

+

"Here we are." I said taking in a deep breath as I parked facing the office building. A lump in my throat had formed durning the entire ride here activating my heart to sink further into my chest. Even though I had told myself I couldn't form an attachment to Asher I had.

Falling asleep together on the couch and feeding him only to see his bright blue eyes trace over my face brought me closer to him. Feeling his small body up against my bare chest only bonded us further when I held him before leaving today. A deep rooted emotion pumped against my rib cage as I stared at the building that I was about to drop Asher off at.

Opening up my door to get into the back seat I began to unbuckle the car seat. In doing so Asher made direct eye contact with me, his ocean eyes bigger then I remember.

Did he understand what I was doing?

Frozen as Asher and I looked at each other I touched his buckle to unstrap him when he all at once grasped onto my finger. Wrapping his little hand around my finger I felt the lump grow up my throat looking into his eyes and seeing him hold my finger in his hand.

"Don't do this to me..." I sighed going through a dilemma as I was seeing this now. "We can't do this now." I shook my head looking at his pouty lips and sad features even though he wasn't crying.

"I'm just trying to do the right thing here." I told him even though I knew he couldn't understand what I was saying. I still felt the need to explain myself to him as if he cared.

Still holding tight to my finger he began to kick and smile brightly at me. Cooing at me and sticking out his tongue in a smile, I gave into him. My heart was swelling with hurt in my chest thinking about the moments when I would place him outside the police building.

"I only want the best for you." I tried returning a weak smile to the baby that was kicking about and giving me huge toothless grins.

Sighing deeply I turned away, unable to look at the happy baby any longer. He was making this so much harder then I thought it would have been. The way he looked at me and smiled made my heart melt before ripping in half. The way he heavily concentrated on me whenever I was around or even the way I could soothe him with my voice alone.

Sure I wasn't ready to be a father. Nor did I have the slightest clue as to how to raise a baby but I had to give it my best shot. I was all he had left in this world. His mother had left him and who was I to leave him just like everyone else in his life so far?

"If your willing to give this a try, so will I." I turned back to face the baby that was still giving me his little grins that lit up my face. "I'm never going to leave you."

note// Looks like Harry had a change of heart! Any predictions on how this will all play out? Also I love the comments I get! I love to read comments and the more I get the more motivated I am to update;)