Farfalla

8.

I'm found in the back of a car, legs hanging from a car seat that I stared down at. My feet were small and bare with nothing to protect them for when I would have to walk. The sky was dark something I still to this day have despised. Looking out the window I see the moon greet me along with the other cars trailing at the same speeds as our own. I turn my gaze to the front of me to where I see the outline of a man driving, he is familiar.

"You don't need to be scared anymore baby," he spoke letting me hear his voice that I can tell was cracked. I heard a sniffle shortly afterward giving me the clues that he has or is crying.

"I want mummy," I spoke with no control over my speech. My voice was little and higher pitched than normal which I figured was because I was seeing through my four-year-old eyes with more clarity.

I remember this now. I knew why my dad was crying and where we were going. I didn't understand this at the tender young age of four but now sitting here in my mind I gained more clarity over the situation. I could feel myself start to silently cry once again even though I haven't fully stopped, to begin with.

It wasn't long before we arrived at an airport on the tarmac of one to be precise. My father pulled toward a cluster of cars that crowded towards the plane that had open doors. I leaned up out of my seat to better see what was waiting outside. People in black suits cover the premises which I had associated myself with safety from a young age.

I was unbuckled from the seat I sat in only to be picked up and perched on my father's hip. I laid my head on his shoulder tired from all the crying that had brought me to the brink of exhaustion. I didn't fully understand what the group of adults were talking about at the time and tried to decipher their words but now I listened with ease.

"He went into my house!" My father became angry when met with the group consisting of both men and women.

"James-" A women spoke but was cut off shortly by my father's angry outburst.

"Don't do that Veronica! He killed Ophelia! I told you I wanted out and you wouldn't listen! I told you that it was only a matter of time before this happened!" The sadness that I saw had now melted into a boiling hot of anger.

"This is no one's fault, James." The women my father addressed as Veronica said.

"You insisted on one more mission and I like an i***t I believed that something like this wouldn't happen! You said you would secure my family and now here we are! God Damn it!" He swore putting his hand against my ear as if to guard the last part. "And now she is gone!"

The others said nothing but put their heads down in despair. There was nothing any of them could say to make this man feel any better. I didn't fully put together the puzzle pieces of this conversation since I needed more context as to what they were talking about. I didn't know all the details of this so-called last mission and everything following it.

"We did as you requested. Mia will be transported to somewhere safer until things cool down." Veronica spoke after a long silence and rubbing of my back from my father's hand. It was too dark to really make any of the people out, I could not see many features under the darkened night sky.

At the mention of my name, I perked up. I didn't know at the time what the word "transported" meant but now I understood it perfectly. That word had been the story of my life.

"Can I have a minute alone?" Father asked glancing up at the group of superiors.

"Take as much time as you need." Veronica stepped away along with the rest of the group of people I had no clue as to who they were.

Getting down on one knee my father stood me up with my bare feet touching the concrete ground. I looked into his vibrate blue eyes that were full of sadness. Wrapping my arms around his neck I felt him lay a hand on my back aiding me to stop crying.

"Mia, love, listen to me for a second." My father instructed pulling me away so I could look him in the eyes the best I could under the night sky.

Stroking my cheek he wiped away a few remaining tears. I could tell he was hiding something but not for long. My little four-year-old self read his body language and became nervous over what he was going to say.

"I know you're scared princess. I know this is all a lot that you don't understand but Daddy wants you to be safe. Daddy wants to keep you safe away from the bad guys." He tucked a few stray blonde stands behind my ear. I began to sniffle from the congestion the crying was causing, my eyes no doubt a red tint in the whites of them. "Daddy has to go and fight the bad guys so you can be safe."

"No!" I whined holding out the "o" in the word. I knew what was about to come next and even now it was still hard to live through.

"You are going to be with Nora. She's going to take care of you while I am away." He explained but I hardly listened. I was more concentrated on crying and begging him to not go.

"Don't go, Daddy!" I cried out grabbing him around the neck once again. Intertwining my fingers to lock around him I felt him pick up my small body and walk me closer to the lights of the plane. "No Daddy!" I screamed holding tight.

"I will see you soon my little Farfalla." My father squeezed me tight before someone aided him in unlacing my fingers from behind his neck. Screaming out and kicking all about I saw my father hand me off to a different unfamiliar pair of arms.

"I want my daddy!" I screamed watching him wave to me with glassy tears in his eyes. Everything about him defined heartbreak, the way his eyes glistened in the moonlight with tears to the way he stood defeated.

"I know you do honey." A feminine voice soothes once the doors of that plane were shut securely; blocking my view of my father.

"Daddy!" I cried out in defeat laying on the women's shoulder emphasizing the "y" in the name I called out. My eyelids dropped and I became tired of all the crying. Back being rubbed the woman walked around the plane for a few minutes my exhausted little body gave in to the wave of sleep that washed over me.

Everything becoming black and unknown I stood still not knowing what to do next. Where was I now? What was happening to me in the first place? What was in the IV drip? All these questions circulated in my head but no answers were found nor given.

"You told me you were giving this up!" A voice I hadn't heard in years yelled. She was upset and that was evident in the way she spoke at a higher volume. "You promised me that you were done when I was pregnant! You told me that we mattered more then your job yet here you are leaving again!"

"Ophelia I promise you this is the last-" I heard my father's voice and the setting appeared around me. Again I looked down at my bare feet that padded against the wood flooring. I watched my parents argue through a small crack in the door, the loud arguing waking me up from my bed.

"You keep promising James but do you even mean that anymore?" My mother took in a deep breath putting a hand on her forehead an obvious sign of stress.

"Veronica told me I could resign after I wrap this all up. You know I hate to leave you and Mia." My father defended taking my mother's arms and sliding his hands down them until he reached her hands.

"I'll believe it when I see it." She shook her head walking away from him. He stood with his arms to his sides knowing that there was nothing he could do to convince her that he meant what he said.

So many times he had broken his promises that now they're nothing but words to her now. So many promises broken that she could walk on a road made from them. I blinked slowly eyes only able to have a view of my father.

Eyes widening when a pair of piercing blue eyes landed on mine. He walked closer to the door, opening it to find me stood up to the now open door.

"Mia baby! What are you doing up?" My father asks me bending down to my eye level.

"I'm scared," I confessed to him thinking back to the yelling that had woken me up in the first place. Again I remembered roughly this night but as a young child, I didn't fully understand what the yelling meant.

"Come on let's get back to bed, yeah?" He picked me up laying me in his chest where my head rested on his shoulder.

He carried me back to bed, this time it was quieter. The yelling was no longer audible when he tucked me in for a second time tonight. I hoped that it would stay this way since I was already tired from getting up firstly.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that. I love you alright?" Father said kissing my forehead once I was comfortably snuggled into the sheets.

"I love you too daddy," I responded back turning my head when he walked out my bedroom door. Again I was alone and again I felt a tingling in my gut when everything faded away.

I didn't want to be in this place anymore. I was lost and afraid of this questioning darkness. The blackness all around me was enveloping me to the point where I felt to free. I didn't like having all this dark space around me, I wanted out.

-May 01, 2016