Thirty Nights with the Alpha King

Chapter 3: Meditation

I’m suddenly wide awake in my bed. I turn my head to glance at the clock on the nightstand, which reads 4:07 AM. It’s completely pitch black in my room, so I try to will my mind to go back to sleep, but it’s no use.

Wandering downstairs through the dark house, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I don’t want to turn on the TV and wake up my grandparents, but I’m not hungry enough to fix breakfast either. Besides, cooking a meal seems much too exhausting at the moment. One of the activities my doctor recommended was meditation and light yoga, so I decide to wander onto the porch to practice.

Taking a step outside into the dark, I feel the cool morning breeze on my cheeks. I feel goosebumps rise on my arms underneath the long sleeves of my sleep shirt, and a part of me misses the warm summer weather of LA. I could be on the beach right now with my friends, but instead I’m in The-Middle-of-Nowhere, Utah.

I reach for the railing of the front porch, using it to steady myself as I take a seat on the top step. Crossing my legs, I close my eyes and try to find my center.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, focusing on the breath entering through my nose, deep breath out. I imagine my energy flowing downward with each exhale, grounding my body to the wooden floorboards of the porch.

Good job clearing your mind, Addy! I tell myself proudly.

But as soon as I tell myself this, thoughts begin to dance across the insides of my closed eyelids.

The tests show there’s nothing wrong with you, the cardiologist said. I don’t want you to start spiraling, trying to find answers that aren’t there…

No! I interrupt my own thoughts. Focus, Addy.

The image of my parents’ disappointed faces when I tell them I’m dropping out of school floats across my mind.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I notice my heartbeat pounding against my ribcage, and I instinctively clutch at my chest. Is it all in my head?

“Addy, are you okay?” I hear a low voice in my ears.

Startled, my eyes shoot wide open. The tall, strong figure of Nick stands at the bottom of the steps, illuminated only by a single porch light behind me.

I realize my chest is heaving rapidly up and down, and my forehead has broken into a cold sweat.

“Addy?” he repeats, taking a cautious step toward me.

“Yeah,” I reply, but my voice sounds tight in my ears. “I’m okay.”

His eyes narrow at me, but his face is full of concern rather than anger. He slowly climbs the steps and takes a seat beside me, and I feel my pounding heart relax into a gentle flutter.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone at night,” Nick says, keeping his voice low. It sounds deep and husky in my ears, creating an intimate feeling between us.

“I’m just outside the door,” I reply with a small chuckle. “I doubt I’ll get myself lost out here on the porch.”

“It’s not that,” he sighs keeping his gaze fixed on me. “It’s just that weird things happen here on the ranch, especially at night.”

“Then why are you out all alone at night?” I retort, raising an eyebrow at him. It’s difficult to keep the smirk off my face, but I can’t help teasing him.

“I’m a ranch hand,” he says, giving me a pointed look. “It’s my job to be an early riser. Besides, I can take care of myself out here.”

“What makes you think I can’t take care of myself?” I challenge.

“Maybe it’s because you have such skinny arms,” he smiles, reaching for my bicep to give it a ticklish squeeze. I giggle, playfully pushing him away, but I can’t help but enjoy the warmth of his large hands through the fabric of my sleeve.

“Well, the last time I saw you, I could fit just one of my hands around your entire arm,” I tease.

“I’ve grown up quite a bit since you last saw me,” he replies, sitting up a bit straighter.

“You certainly have,” I whisper, resting my elbows on my knees as we sit side-by-side beneath the starry night sky.

“I’m, uh–" Nick stutters, clearing his throat in a way that is adorably awkward, “I’m surprised you’re back after so long. You stopped coming to visit during the summer. Your grandparents said you were busy with school and stuff.”

“Yeah, I was,” I reply, looking down at my feet. “But not this summer.”

“Oh yeah? How long are you planning on staying this year?”

“I might just stay here forever,” I reply darkly, staring blankly at my slippers.

I notice Nick sit up even straighter out of the corner of my eye.

“Really?” he asks, his voice surprisingly enthusiastic. “Growing tired of Los Angeles?”

“Something like that.”

A few moments of silence pass between us. I can feel his eyes studying me, but I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. I feel my negative thoughts spoiling this moment between Nick and me, and I hate that I’m not trying harder to fight them off.

Nick slides closer. Our knees almost touch, and I feel him hesitating beside me. It’s like there is a magnetic pull between our bodies, but I can feel us both fighting it, afraid of crossing an invisible boundary. It was never like this before, so why are we suddenly so awkward around each other?

“We used to be able to talk about anything and everything, Addy,” he says softly, lowering his gaze to his feet as well. “I can sense that something’s going on with you. Do you want to talk about it?”

I consider his offer for a moment, trying to decide where to even begin. He waits patiently for me, with nothing but the sound of the night breeze rustling the grass in our ears.

“Well,” I begin slowly, “I got sick last winter, during the third wave of the pandemic, and I never really recovered. I was going to school for events management, and I was supposed to be working with an exclusive Hollywood event planner this summer for my internship.”

I feel my voice choke up, so I finish quickly. “But I had to give it all up.”

I can see him nodding slowly out of the corner of my eye. I try to take a deep breath, but it’s shallow and unsteady as I fight back the urge to cry.

“You know, I always admired you,” Nick says softly, breaking the silence between us. I’m taken aback by his words, and my head shoots to the side to look at him. He’s looking upward into the night sky, his expression nostalgic as he continues to speak.

“I remember as kids you used to talk about what you wanted to be when you grew up. Every summer it was something different – an astronaut, a ballerina, the president. And we used to play make believe and act out those plans, and I was always at your side going right along with it.”

Nick turns his deep, brown eyes onto me, which sparkle gently beneath the soft glow of the porch light. His gaze holds me captivated as he speaks so fondly about our childhood.

“I never once doubted that you could do anything you set your mind to, Addy,” he says, a soft smile appearing on his lips. “You were always so ambitious, which is why I know this has to be really difficult for you, to give up on your dreams like this. And I know you wouldn’t give them up unless you absolutely had to. So, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

I feel a pain in my chest at his words, like someone is finally seeing me for the first time in so long. I feel tears threatening to spill over from my eyes.

Without thinking, I lean my head down so that my forehead rests against his shoulder, closing my eyes against the warmth of his body on my skin. I take deep breaths, trying to resist the urge to cry in front of him, and he gives me all the time I need to compose myself. At the moment I’m unable to say thank you out loud, so I hope the gesture conveys my gratitude to him.

“You know, I wish I could go to college,” Nick says, changing the subject.

“Why don’t you?” I ask with a sniff, unable to lift my head to look at him.

“My place is here,” he replies wistfully, “at the ranch.”

“Is it a money thing?” I ask, finally sitting up to look at him. “There’s lots of scholarships available, especially for a first-generation college student, and for Native Americans. I’m sure you could get one.”

“It’s not that,” Nick cuts me off, shaking his head. “My family needs me. The ranch needs me.”

“I’m sure my grandparents would understand if you wanted to go to college,” I continue.

“Forget I said anything,” Nick says gruffly, standing up. “I’ve got to get to work. You should head inside until the sun’s up.”

I’m both surprised and hurt by his curt attitude, and I can’t help but feel as though I caused it. His back is to me as he makes his way down the porch steps toward his truck, and I’m desperate not to leave things this way.

“When will I see you again?” I burst out. When he pauses, I feel a glimmer of hope, but he doesn’t turn to face me.

“Tomorrow at dinner,” he replies, his hand on the wooden railing.

“Dinner?” I repeat stupidly.

“Yeah,” he says, finally turning to glance up at me. “Your grandparents invited my family over for dinner.”

“Oh, yeah, you have a big family, don’t you?” I ask, remembering that I was very interested in learning his marital status. This was the perfect opportunity to find out in a casual, low-key way.

Why can’t you just let the conversation end, Addy? I scold myself. He’s trying so desperately to walk away from you, but you just can’t let him go, can you?

“Yeah, I’m the oldest of seven siblings,” he says, his expression softening just a little. “My grandmother will be there as well.”

“Seven?” I ask, my eyes widening in surprise. His parents must have had a few more kids in the past six years, because I don’t remember him having that many brothers and sisters.

But, he didn’t mention a wife or kids. Yes!

“Yeah, that’s the Ourey Pack for you,” he confirms, turning back toward the truck. “See you tomorrow night, Addy. Get back inside, okay?”

I watch him approach his truck, unable to move from my spot. I still can’t help the feeling that I touched upon a sensitive subject, and I’m already imagining the different ways that I can make it up to him and recover that closeness that we used to have.