In His Secret Life

Chapter 3-1

Chapter 3

Saturday night all over again.

I was at the main bar, trying not to watch David and Kaliq make out on the dance floor. It was nearing one A.M., and I was well on my way to being drunk again. It had been a hectic week at work. Not that being a legal clerk was anything close to exciting, but some weeks were tougher than others.

On nights like these, I missed Anthony. Or maybe I missed being in a relationship. More and more of my friends were pairing up, leaving me with David and Kaliq, who I suspected felt obliged to take me out on Saturdays. Yes, they’d become my Big Gay Brother mentors.

Was I feeling gloomy because my sister had met someone? Elsie had become completely engrossed with this new affair. That’s all she could talk about, and of course, I understood.

Of course I did.

But part of me couldn’t help wondering if I was going to end up the old queer uncle Fay would visit every Sunday. The old man who spends his time thinking about his youth with regret.

“Jeez, Allan, cheer up.” David bumped my shoulder with his and faked a smile. He was just as depressed as I was, but he’d popped a pill or two to perk up. “You look like you’re shopping for a noose.”

“Aren’t you sick of this club?” I said as a guy shouldering himself to the bar pushed me without even a slight apology.

“Oh, come on, let’s not have this conversation.” Tonight, David wore his tight Prada jeans and it looked like he might split the seams. He’d gained weight because he and Kaliq had been having problems. While Kaliq turned to music and long walks to work it out, David turned to Häagen-Dazs triple fudge ice cream. The two of them were quite the pair on a good day, but on a bad day they were worse than Sid and Nancy. There was too much possession and aggression in their relationship. One of them would eventually throw the other out the window if they didn’t tone it down in the coming years.

“Allan, you have to learn to let go—”

“Fine. All right. Let’s just stand here and watch a whole generation’s soul be eaten alive by phoniness and cowardice.”

David hung his head, smiling thinly.

“I’m gonna go walk around,” I continued, “until I find some random guy whose despair matches my own.”

“What are you doing here, anyway?” David stopped me. “I mean, why do you come here every weekend? You obviously hate it. This isn’t your scene.”

I just looked at him.

“Allan, go home. Go online. Find a nice man and marry him.”

I glanced around the club, seeing the same faces I’d seen last week. And the week before. There was Patrick. I’d slept with him in March. And Kevin. We’d gone up north for a weekend this summer. He was a jerk. And over there was Julian. I’d chased him all winter only to find out he was in love with the barman and didn’t even know I existed.

All these men. Chests. Asses. Names. c***s. My lovers were a never-ending string of bodies with an interchangeable face.

“Here.” I pushed my drink in David’s hand. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He saluted me and bowed. “That’s my boy.”

I skipped down the steps and walked through the mess of couples on the dance floor and right out the front door.

The night was warm, so I decided to walk home.