Hallows: Eulalie

The One Place I Actually Want To Be

Camille Saint-Saens- The Swan

Ashley:

With Kelly gone for the weekend, I decided to go home. I've missed my room so much. Being able to dress myself, and my ceiling fan. The f****d up part is that now I have to wear a f*****g sweater because the draft created by the fan makes me cold. I've also missed the sound of my mom humming to herself while she makes tortillas in the kitchen.

My dad has been held up in his room. After I greeted him when I arrived Friday afternoon, he hasn't said much to me. Mom has crammed as much information as she possibly can about our neighbors. That little gossip. She's in a good mood because Dona Chucha's daughter is pregnant at sixteen. She's happy because that lady used to talk mad s**t about me dating Eli. She would say that I would never amount to anything. That I would probably have a bunch of kids and get by with government assistance by the time I was twenty. There's a saying for that. The snake has bitten its own tail and won't let go. Stubborn old ladies like to talk out of their asses.

There's a heavy sadness weighing over the house. I spent my Friday night and all of Saturday restocking the shelves in the store and working the cash register just so I can get out. Kelly said she wanted to pick me up tonight to take me back to the dorms. That Carter is in a mood and she didn't want to risk me running into him alone.

"You going back to school tonight?" my dad taps on my door as I put something I want to take back with me.

"Si," I nod. I wave him in. He takes a seat on my twin bed and I sit in the old beanbag chair I swore I wanted more than anything in the world when I was in middle school. Now it's just a little purple blob in my room.

"Ma told you what's going on?" he asks. I nod. "I don't want you to worry about it. Okay?"

"Papi," I shake my head.

"I know, baby. But there's nothing we can do. You gotta accept it," he kneels down in front of me and takes my hands in his. "I'm really sorry about everything. I never told you that I knew, because if we talked about it, I know your mom would find out. I don't know what you did to get out, but you gotta promise me that you're gonna let it go, si?"

"I'll try," I nod.

"You'll try, cabrona?" he bumps my head with a closed fist. "I didn't want this for you. You got a shot at something big, Hermosa. I ain't never seen anyone play like you do. You gotta take care of these," he looks down at my bruised hands. "What are you going to do when you hurt them and they don't f*****g work anymore, hmm?

"You don't want to be like us, Eulalie. You're meant for more than this s**t. You're too pretty to be stuck in the Southside for the rest of your life. Those f*****g rich girls don't got s**t on you. Don't f**k it all up in the heat of the moment. Over some dumb s**t, some hater says. There are always going to be haters opening their damn mouths. I know it's hard to bite your tongue, but you got s**t to do. Don't ruin it over some nobody."

"Okay, papi," I nod. He smiles and leans in to kiss the top of my head.

"I don't want you coming back here anymore," he pulls away. "I don't want you to see me like that. Don't ask your mom about me anymore. Swallow that s**t. What I tell you?"

"Don't look back," I choke out.

"Never look back, Eulalie. For all you care I'm already dead," he stands up. "Say it,"

"You're already-" I cover my mouth trying to fight back the tears.

"Ashley," he sneers.

"You're already dead," I say without looking up at him.

By the time Kelly texts me to let me know she's outside, I come to terms with it. The fact that this isn't my home anymore and that I'm no longer welcome here. My mom doesn't come out to tell me goodbye. My dad doesn't walk me out. I look back at the house one last time and get in the car. Kelly is in the driver's seat. Dante is sitting next to her in the passenger's seat.

"You get yelled at?" she asks when I don't greet them.

"No," I shake my head. "Can you just drive?"

"Okay," she doesn't push it. They let me go up to my room when we arrive. I set my crappy duffle bag on the bed. Tam and Kelly come in with a bottle of Jack Daniels. "You look like you need this,"

"Yeah," I reach out when she opens it for me. I take a long drink before I hand it back to her.

"You want to talk about it?" Tamara asks.

"My parents kicked me out of the house," I shrug.

"f**k," Kelly puts the bottle down. "You okay?"

"I think so," I shrug. "I just-"

I don't even know how to finish that sentence. I'm not exactly sure I know what I feel. Anger, pain, sure. They're there but so is everything else. I know that they're just protecting me. It's how my dad has always been. He didn't even think twice when Mrs. Dubois came to our house and told him that she wanted me to go to Hellbourne Academy.

When everything was settled, my mom cried for days. He didn't. He had a big ass party. It felt like he was celebrating the fact that he was no longer responsible for me. He waited outside in the car while my mom helped me take my things up to the dorm. I was mad at him for a while. He didn't even want to say goodbye to me. He didn't say goodbye now that we both know I'm not going to see him ever again. He meant it. He's dead to me now.

"f**k," I wipe my face so hard it burns.

"What happened?" Tam asks.

"He knows about what I did for Jimenez. He doesn't want my mom to know so he asked me not to come around anymore," I lie. Well, it's not a lie but it's also not the truth. Me not going home is beneficial for all of us. I don't see my dad die and when he's gone, my mom never has to deal with Jimenez again.

"That's bullshit. You did that for him," Kelly shakes her head.

"Not everyone is going to be cool about living in the house with a murderer," I shrug.

"And your mom just accepted his decision?" Tam asks.

"Yeah, I mean what is she going to say?" I stand up and unzip my bag. I begin to take my things out to put them away. As I'm going through everything, I find a gold chain with a crucifix medallion on it. It was my dad's.

"That's pretty," Kelly takes it out of my hand. I look up at her. "You shouldn't take it off."

"Okay," I nod and let her put it on me.

"Don't lose sleep over this s**t, Ash. Lesson number one on the road to greatness. You gotta do this s**t on your own. Don't expect anything from anyone. It's always your closest that bury that dagger in your back," she goes over to the door and waits for Tam. Tamara wraps her arms around me.

"You got me," she whispers in my ear and places a kiss on my cheek.

The two of them leave me alone. After a while, I decide that they're right and that all I have to do is play a little to feel better. So, after a shower, I head over to the music building. The one place I actually want to be.